Nov. 10, 1997 - The WEEI Manifesto

This was the first thing I wrote in Boston that generated some real buzz (tons of e-mails, anonymous "I agree with you!" e-mails from people working at the station and so on) and ended up getting me blackballed from WEEI for a few years. The funny thing is that many of these gripes still hold true 12 years later, although the biggest problems with the piece were A.) my bizarre push for more wrestling talk (undermined the cause, to say the least), B.) I didn't give Glenn Ordway nearly enough credit (mainly because I had never done a radio show, so I didn't understand many of the subtle things Ordway did and does), and C.) I fell into the "this sucks/that sucks" trap which is the telltale sign of a writer who doesn't know what he/she is doing. It's also weird that I listened that much to a station that I obviously didn't like. (Four years later, I cut off WEEI cold turkey and realized that it was much more fun to listen to music in the car.) By the way, this is a poorly written column and it's waaaaaaaaay too long. I just thought it made for an interesting re-read, especially since the station hasn't changed much in 12 years.

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THE WEEI MANIFESTO
If WEEI ever wants to be a real sports-station like
WFAN, here are ten things it needs to do

This column has been shaping itself in my head for the past few months. I think WEEI gets a free ride in Boston because it's the only all-sports station in town.

If another local A.M. station syndicated WFAN (New York's all-sports station), WEEI would lose many of its hard-core sports fans, especially people who aren't originally from here. I wish this would happen. Since it probably won't... and since WEEI will continue to limp along at its own flaccid, ego-ridden pace indefinitely... here are some things it should do before every sports fan in the Boston-area just starts listening to F.M. stations.

1) Remember this basic premise: There are other professional teams on the earth besides the Red Sox, Bruins, Patriots and Celtics.

Everyone's main gripe. Even die-hard Boston fans believe WEEI spends too much time babbling about local sports. How much is enough? How many hours can you spend talking about the Patriots beating Buffalo by 21 points because the Bills don't have an adequate NFL quarterback on the roster? How many times can you say that "You're not sure if Drew Bledsoe will ever be a superstar" or "Pete Carroll might not have what it takes as a head coach?"

For anyone who likes sports, listening to WEEI during the 1997 Patriots season has been a continual nightmare. Nobody loves the Patriots more than me, but the season's been incredibly disappointing so far -- I don't even like to talk about what I'm seeing with my fellow Patriots fan friends because there's really not much to say. Usually we end up shaking our heads and changing the subject.

So why would I want to listen to Fred Smerlas and Steve Nelson discuss the Patriots all week?

I wish everyone in Boston could listen to Mike Francesa and Chris Russo ("Mike and the Mad Dog"), WFAN's drive-time duo. Say what you will about them -- Mike has a heavy New York accent and Dog sounds like he has a metal plate in his brain -- but at least they talk about all sports, not just New York sports. They make a point of going around the NFL every Monday and touching on major football stories. When they talk about basketball, they talk about the entire NBA, not just the Knicks and Nets. WEEI would rather talk about Drew Bledsoe's new haircut.

And for anyone who believes New Englanders only want to hear about the Pats... remember this number: 0.0. That's the Nielsen rating that Glen Ordway and Smerlas's "SportsChannel" Patriots show received two Thursday ago. In other words, nobody was watching.

Does anybody think this means something? Besides me?

2) Remember this credo: Too many cooks spoil the pot.

There's nothing more annoying than listening to four people interrupt each other on a radio program, especially when they're arguing about sports. WEEI's "The Big Show" - the station's 3-6 p.m. drive-time show - features Ordway with a number of regular guests (Smerlas, Nelson, Globe columnists Dan Shaughnessy and Bob Ryan, Channel 7's Fran Charles, the Herald's Steve Buckley, Globe beat writers Mike Holley, Ron Borges, and Nick Cafardo, etc.). The resulting chaos sounds like you're worst "sports bar" nightmare, as everyone's 1) yelling over each other to get their two cents in, 2) laughing at jokes that really aren't funny, and 3) kissing each other's butts.

God, it's awful to listen to it. I can honestly say this... I HATE the "Big Show." I love sports, I love sports talk shows, I love arguing about sports, I love Boston Sports - hell, I'm the Boston Sports Guy, for God's sake! - and I can't listen to one minute of the "Big Show." If I'm on the highway listening to Ordway giggling at Smerlas' dumb jokes, I start careening into other cars trying to cause accidents.

When it's really working, sports radio should sound like a sports bar: You have your two hosts (maybe the bartender and his buddy) arguing about something, and pretty soon the guy next to the bartender's buddy jumps in, and within minutes everyone in the bar's throwing in their two cents. WEEI hasn't figured this out. During "The Big Show" there isn't room for ANYONE to throw in their two cents - even the four-person panel. And God forbid they take any calls...

A good sports radio show should have TWO hosts (ala Mike and the Dog) who genuinely discuss things and listen to each other. I should LIKE listening to them. It doesn't matter who's talking; if Glen Ordway was talking to the WEEI janitor about the Celtics and it was interesting, I'd probably tune in.

I remember I was talking to my buddy Gus on the phone once (a typically animated sports conversation), and my girlfriend at the time smiled after we hung up:

"I like when you talk to Gus on the phone," she said. "And I don't even like sports. It just sounds like you guys have fun talking about it."

Isn't that what sports radio is supposed to sound like?

(Note: Gerry Callahan and John Dennis have a new morning show from 10-12 that's already the best show on the station. Granted, Dennis is too serious and Callahan tries to hard to be the outrageous sidekick, but at least they converse and seem to enjoy each other's company. It's really not a difficult concept to grasp. For WEEI, it's like creating an electric car or explain the "Pi 3.14" Theory.)

3) No newspaper writer should appear on WEEI more than once a week, and even that's pushing it.

If I'm reading Ryan and Shaughnessy's columns in the Globe, why do I want to hear them on sports radio? I already know their opinions from reading their columns. Why would I want to hear Shaughnessy's comments about Drew Bledsoe on the radio if I just finished reading his Drew Bledsoe column in that morning's Globe?

For some reason, every time Shaughnessy, Ryan, or Buckley are on the "Big Show," they end up talking more about their own columns and careers than about sports. WE DON'T CARE!!!! I don't want to hear callers asking Shaughnessy about his column that day! His columns should never become the focus of a show. If he and Ryan want to talk about their columns, then the Globe should buy them air time and they could defend themselves that way.

And I love the "Touchdown Twins" (Kevin Mannix and Ron Hobson)... but they're newspaper beat writers who should only appear on the station to discuss New England Patriots games. Have them on every Tuesday (on any show, doesn't matter which one) dissecting the Patriots... then send them away until the following Tuesday. That's it. Too much overkill is a dangerous thing.

4) Hire some people on your radio station who aren't between the ages of 40-55.

Out of all the WEEI talent: Dale Arnold, the Globe columnists, Buckley, Dennis, Ordway, Ted Sarandis, Craig Mustard, Larry Johnson... they're all middle-aged. The Touchdown Twins and Eddie Andelman are all in their late-50's/early-60's. Only Gerry Callahan is relatively young; I think he's 36 or 37. With so many sports fans under the age of 30, does it make sense to have so many middle-aged guys talking about sports all day? All the WEEI hosts love baseball and defend it constantly... what about the fact that very few sports fans under the age of 25 like baseball? Everyone on WEEI belittles rotisserie sports, but there's a helluva lot more roto people out there than baseball fans.

The WEEI talent seems to have no clue what comprises their audience. Do they really think all the people in Boston are Boston fans? What about all the college students and transplanted New Yorkers?

Finally, why doesn't WEEI give Sean Grande (the Big Show's "20/20 update guy") a show? He's younger, he's offbeat, he's legitimately funny, and he's not close-minded to sports other than your basic NBA/NFL stuff. When Dennis Rodman wrestled in the WCW last July, Grande made some pretty funny comments about it in his updates the following Monday. Of course, Ordway and company teased him and said things like "Who the hell watches this crap?" It was typically condescending and typically infuriating.

(Note: If you took all the New England-area wrestling fans and all the New England-area baseball fans and stuck them in one huge room, not only would there be more wrestling fans, but they'd kick the crap out of the baseball wussies within five minutey, especially if there were enough chairs to break over people's backs.)

5) Get rid of Eddie Andelman immediately.

I don't care how many charities he helps. My Dad's a charitable guy, but I wouldn't want to listen to him hosting a sports show either.

Put a fork in Eddie. As Moe Greene said to Michael Corleone in The Godfather: "Your time is done. Your way of doing business doesn't work around here anymore." Nobody likes Eddie Andelman. I mean, NOBODY. Eddie's insufferable, he's egotistical, he's provincial and he doesn't even know that much about sports. God, how many times is going to call Walter McCarty "Walter McCarthy" or Jimmy Johnson "Jimmy Johnston?" Eddie's losing it. He's embarrassing. The fact that somebody like him hosts a radio show on our sports station humiliates all of Boston... especially somebody with such a thick Bahhhhh-stan accent (he sounds like a human "Saturday Night Live" skit).

Note to WEEI: Please get rid of Eddie. He sucks. Everyone thinks so. Ask around.

5b) Get rid of the Craig Mustard-Larry Johnson weekend combination immediately.

Probably the worst radio tandem that's ever been put together. Craig Mustard must have nude pictures of someone very high up at WEEI. As for Larry Johnson, although it's laudable that WEEI put a minority broadcaster on the radio after 20 years of lily-white sports talk... and although Johnson is a talented sports cartoonist for the Globe (maybe the best in the business)... well, he might be the worst person I've EVER HEARD on a sports radio show. He's whiny, he's grating, he's condescending and it doesn't even seem like he enjoys sports at all. He's just terrible. I can't think of one positive quality he brings to a sports radio show other than an African-American perspective.

6) Either get rid of Fred Smerlas or make a rule that he can only appear on WEEI during the 3-6 a.m. "Sleep-time" programming

He's just the worst.

Fred Smerlas is KILLING us.

We cannot STAND Fred Smerlas.

He's not funny. He's not funny at all. He doesn't say anything that's remotely funny, ever. Doctors telling patients that they have colon cancer... that seems like joyous comedy compared to anything Fred Smerlas has ever said. We're tired of the "back hair" jokes and the "donut" jokes and the "Ordway is fat" jokes. It's just old. He's already on 16 local television shows... the last thing we want is to hear him on the radio, too. Please get rid of him before every sports fan in the Boston-area moves to another city.

Quick tangent: Smerlas is always at his worst during Drew Bledsoe's "Monday Interviews" on the Big Show. Here WEEI has a truly-unique radio opportunity - a chance to interview New England's best football player 24 hours after every game with Ordway (a terrific interviewer, despite all of his faults) and Nelson (superb football knowledge) -- and here's Smerlas sabotaging the whole thing with his dumb jokes. Bledsoe's especially candid on WEEI; it would be fun to listen to him without Smerlas interrupting him every two seconds with comments like "You should put the big O on your offensive line because he's so fat nobody could get by him... HA HA HA!").

7) Get some specialty programming.

Instead of having the insufferable Ted Sarandis babble on like Raymond Babbitt for five hours EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, why doesn't WEEI offer different "specialty nights" from Monday through Friday? How about this schedule for the winter since there's no baseball games and the Celtics rarely have games on Mondays or Thursdays?

MONDAY: Hockey Talk, hosted by Dale Arnold from 7-9 p.m.... followed by Hoops Talk, hosted by Ordway and Ryan (the two most knowledgable basketball guys in this town... besides me, of course) from 9-12.

Thursday: Baseball Talk with Buckley and Peter Gammons from 7-9 p.m., followed by something weird from 9-12 (maybe a combination "roto-wrestling-sports memorablilia-boxing"-type show) hosted by Grande.

(Once again, it amazes me that WEEI completely ignores wrestling. There's so many people who love wrestling that it doesn't make sense to ignore them, does it? For God's sake, there's ten billion wrestling sites on the internet! You mean to tell me that a Thursday night wrestling show wouldn't do better than Ted Freaking Sarandis? I'd rather listen to the emergency test pattern...
At least there would be something for everyone. Personally, my favorite sport is basketball, so I'd probably listen to Ordway and Ryan once a week JUST TALKING HOOPS with people like Jackie MacMullan, Peter Vescey, and so on. They could talk about trade rumors and league gossip and all that juicy stuff. Any hoops fan would tune in religiously.

And if Sarandis has a long-term contract, let him keep his show on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays when the Celtics aren't playing. Either that... or have him rubbed out. Just get him off the air five nights a week before the suicide rate in Boston starts to rise.

8) Could you take more calls? Could you do that?

Isn't this supposed to be a sports "talk" station? Instead of having Shaughnessy and Buckley argue about whose column is better that day... or promo-ing Ryan's latest book... or sitting in your hands while Smerlas and Ordway make fun of each other and the rest of us bang our heads against our car dashboard... why can't WEEI take more calls? Sometimes it's fun to hear what the Average Joe has to say.

That's why the very-successful "Whiner Line" (a voice mail on the "Big Show in which callers yell in whines and complaints) is the "very-successful Whiner Line"... because it's funny and wacky and offbeat. I like the Whiner Line and I like hearing what callers have to say, even if most of them are morons.

9) Think about NFL fans on Sundays.

This is a huge pet peeve: Since WEEI doesn't hold radio rights to Patriots games, why doesn't WEEI emulate ESPN Radio, WRKO and WFAN (when the Jets aren't on) and do an "Around the NFL" radio show from 1-7 p.m. on Sundays? I love those shows!

In case you haven't heard one, here's the premise: A main host in the studio cuts out to live correspondents at all of the NFL games. It's all up-to-the-minute NFL highlights and score changes, like a DSS Satellite on radio. Here's a typical exchange:

HOST: Let's go to Pittsburgh and Hugh Jorgen. Hugh?

HUGH: Thanks Bob. Kordell Stewart just scored on a 42-yard touchdown run to give the Steelers a 17-10 lead over the Bengals. On the ensuing kickoff, Corey Dillon fumbled the ensuing kickoff, giving the Steelers great field position on the Bengals 22. This is Hugh Jorgen live from Pittsburgh...

HOST: Thank Hugh. Let's go Jenny Talia in Dallas, where the Cowboys are on the move. Jenny?

JENNY: Thanks Bob. Emmitt Smith just ran it in from 20 yards out, giving the Cowboys a 21-10 lead....

And so on. This is a dream radio show for anyone who's 1) in an NFL Picks Pool; 2) in a rotisserie league; 3) gambling; 4) a fan of an out-of-state team that's not on television; 5) trapped in the car; or 6) all of the above.

In other words... if you're trapped in the car looking for highlights from the Minnesota/Chicago game where you picked Minnesota giving nine in your Picks pool at work and you also bet on the Vikes in a two-team tease with Denver and you have Robert Smith and Cris Carter on your rotisserie team and you absolutely love the Vikings and your wife recently divorced you because you gambled away all of your wedding gift money... you'd probably enjoy this type of show.

Anyway, it's a helluva lot more interesting than listening to callers whine about Patriots losses for ten straight hours.

10) Note to all the on-air talent at WEEI: Get over yourself!

You guys are not the show. We listen to WEEI because we like sports. End of story. We listen to you for the same reason we'll eat the crumbs on the bottom of a potato chip bag at 11:30 at night when we're starving.

Listen to me very carefully... there is not ONE indispensable person on WEEI. Not one. If Glen Ordway got fired tomorrow, nobody would give a crap. The same goes for everyone else on the station with the exception of Eddie Andelman's "I've been sentenced to a life in hell" sidekick Dale Arnold, who has a limited but loyal following (me included). Everyone at 850-AM is EXTREMELY fortunate to be getting paid to talk about sports... especially when they'd probably do it for free. People listen because of WEEI's format, not its talent.

In New York City, Mike and The Mad Dog received huge contracts because people listen to them. Why? Because they're fun to listen to. They have a real chemistry. They just do. Sports radio is like love... you can't force it. You either have it or you don't.

Ironically enough, Mike and the Dog talk about sports and rarely babble about their personal lives or other people in the New York sports media. They're strictly sports talk show hosts and they know it. They don't kiss rear ends, they don't wash backs and they don't have any allies. This gives them the freedom to say whatever they want on the air - whether they're interviewing someone, making fun of somebody's newspaper column, or making fun of someone else's radio show.

The talent at WEEI doesn't have the same luxury. It's a "You wash my back, I'll wash yours" community, where most of the powerful members in the town have banded together to dominate one radio station. It's almost like a big Boys Club. You can almost hear Ordway saying after the Big Show ends, "Hey Shaughnessy, great show... let's take Ryan out for a few beers and Smerlas can meet us there."

I think the whole thing sucks.

One of the reasons Monday's "McDonoughs on Sports" radio show (Sean McDonough with his father, Globe columnist Will McDonough) works so well on WBZ-Radio is because they don't pucker up to anyone else in Boston. They just want to talk sports. They're serious about it. They don't feel like they have to be friends with every other journalist or broadcast personality in Boston. That's why it's such a refreshing show. Every Boston sports fan should take time to listen on a Monday night at least once. You'll see what I mean.

A good sports radio show should sound like two buddies talking on the phone, whether it's me and my buddy House talking about the NBA at 2:15 in the morning or Sean McDonough talking to his Dad about the Patriots. It's not that hard to figure out. If I were sitting next to Craig Mustard and Larry Johnson at the front bar in "The Red Hat" in Beacon Hill and they were talking about the Celtics... I'd probably move into the back room near the jukebox to get away from them.

As sports fans, we're married to WEEI because it's the only all-sports station in town. But it doesn't mean we're happy. Like the SportsMom always says: "Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to let your butt get big." Then she heads off to her 6:30 aerobics class.

WEEI, my friend... you need to start working out. You have to do something about your big ass.

(And I'm not just talking about Fred Smerlas.)

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