THE POWER OF COCKTAIL
(AUGUST, 2000)

I have no idea why this column happened. Bizarre. There's a good chance I was smoking too much pot at the time. The good news is that you get some solid life lessons and an extremely dated "Survivor" reference.

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Unless you blocked it from your mind already, you should remember that Coyote Ugly was marketed this month as "Cocktail with women." That was an outright lie -- it's actually about a ditzy 20-something trying to jumpstart her crappy signing career in Manhattan. Her voice sucks, the plot sucks, everything sucks. The movie isn't even entertaining in an unintentionally-funny way, like Showgirls or Karate Kid III. Hell, as far as musical movies go, even Rhinestone was more entertaining -- at least we got to see Sly Stallone sing.

The only positive from Coyote Ugly's release was this: it pushed Cocktail back into the limelight. Let's face it, Cocktail is The Greatest Bad Movie Of All-Time, a veritable blueprint on how to get through the everyday rigors of life. If you don't enjoy Cocktail -- at least secretly -- well, I don't believe you. It's simply impossible. Consider the following things:

* Tom Cruise in his absolute prime. If Cruise were Larry Bird, Cocktail would be the '87 Playoffs -- he's never done more with less. Remember, this movie never would have been released if Cruise wasn't involved. And he never gets the proper amount of credit for the way he throws himself into roles, like the way he learned how to mix drinks and flip beer mugs and shotglasses in this movie. Most actors go the extra yard, but Cruise is REALLY into it.

When Mission Impossible 2 was released last May, I wrote that "the only Cruise sequel I would ever pay to see is Cocktail." And I meant it. Not only is Tom Cruise the most underrated actor of our generation -- remember, he carried Rain Man -- but he's also the most "likable yet unintentionally-funny" actor of our generation. I'm giggling just thinking about the "Addicted to Love" scene from Cocktail. Highest of high comedy. I defy anyone to stay stone-faced during that scene.

(When it comes right down to it, nothing beats Cruise when he's fired up and throwing himself into a quirky role -- pool player, cornerback, race driver, bartender, etc. -- and he's the only actor alive who would have bothered to learn how to flip beer glasses and juggle vodka bottles. Val Kilmer might have done it, but only for the right price.)

* Bryan Brown as Koglan. Maybe the greatest supporting character of all-time. We'll get to this later, but you should know that the drunken Koglan constantly throws out life "lessons" -- ala Confucious -- and prefaces each of them by saying "Koglan's Law: Blah blah blah..." Why did the producers kill Koglan off near the end? It's one of the unanswerable questions of life. His sitcom potential was off the charts. More on this later.

* Elisabeth Shue as Jordan, Cruise's love interest... and she's still in her chunky-but-sexy "Karate Kid" stage. Mmmmm.

* Great music. Always a key factor for any movie that demands to be watched over and over again. While we're at it, there's great scenery here, especially the downtown Manhattan and Jamaica parts. Eye candy galore.

* A ridiculous climax in a Park Avenue penthouse that features Cruise punching out a doorman and telling Jordan's Dad, "It didn't have to be this way." You really have to see it. Maybe my favorite "so bad it's good" scene that doesn't involve Gymkata or any of Corey Feldman's work in the Haim-Eggert classic Blown Away.

But forget those things for a few minutes and and concentrate on the legacy of Cocktail -- the lessons that it provides America's youth. If you're under the age of 21, this movie basically walks you though life. For instance...

LESSONS ABOUT LIFE

1. Most things in life just kinda happen to you

As Uncle Tommy tells Brian Flanagan (Cruise's character)in the opening scene, "Every man wakes up one fine morning with a wife and kids... Where did they come from? They weren't there last time I looked. Most things in life -- good and bad -- just kinda happen to you."

If you think about this one, it's actually pretty deep. Cocktail is like a real-life fortune cookie. Seriously.

2. "When a guy lays down a dare, you gotta take it"

Flanagan's actual explanation to Shue for why he screwed up their Jamaican romance by sleeping with someone else (because of Coughlin's bet that he couldn't land a rich chick). A great rationale for any guy coming back from a strip joint to face his wife.

3. "Champagne is perfume going in, sewage coming out"

I wish somebody had told me this before my high school prom.

4. You learn more about life working in the real world than you do going to college.

It's the old Catch-22... you can't get a job without a college degree, but you learn more about life working in the real world. For instance, if you want to get into sports journalism, you're better off interning at a newspaper from age 18-on and attending college classes part-time. Seriously. But your guidance counselor would never tell you this. That's why I'm here and that's why Cocktail is here.

5. A good idea goes a long way

As Flanagan says, "Even the guy who makes drink umbrellas is a millionaire." He's right. Look at the guy who created Napster -- he's like 12 years old! A good idea goes a long way.

6. It's better to be a hustler than a hard worker

Koglan: "Tou can only take a guy so far... then it's a question of biology. Biology and destiny. There are two kinds of people in this world -- the workers and the hustlers -- the workers never hustle and the hustlers never work."

(Did you ever think you'd find such wisdom from a bartending movie? Koglan just described everyone on the Boston Globe's sports staff.)

7. "Talk is overrated as a means of resolving disputes"

Just ask OJ Simpson.

8. "Everything ends badly... otherwise it wouldn't end"

Maybe the best line in the movie. Say this to your significant other the next time you're breaking up with them and they say something predictable like, "I never thought things would end like this." Then look them in the eye and say, "Everything ends badly... otherwise it wouldn't end." You'll feel like you're in your own movie scene. Ummm... can you tell I've tried this?

LESSONS FROM KOGLAN

Koglan's Law: Anything else is always something better

His first law... he says this when Flanagan comes into TGIF's looking for a job. Cruise practiced this one in real life when he upgraded from Mimi Rogers to Nicole Kidman.

Koglan's Law: A star never pukes or passes out in public.

However, falling down stairs is allowed, according to Koglan. I'm not sure if it's okay for members of a star's posse to puke or pass out in public; this is something Koglan could have addressed if they ever spun him off into his own sitcom.

(Some possible sitcom titles for Coughlin: Malcolm & Koglan ... Cocktails & Dreams ... Koglan's Law ... Koglan and Grace ... Koglan's Corner ... and my personal favorite, Koglan!)

Koglan's Law: Never tell tales about a woman -- she'll hear you no matter how far away she is.

Again, transcendent advice here. I wish I had known this in college -- maybe the entire female student body at Holy Cross wouldn't have turned against me like BB in "Survivor."

Koglan's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.

A great tip for your next roto draft. I might start liberally quoting Koglan in my columns from now on. No jury would convict me.

Koglan's Law: Bury the dead, they stink up the joint

His final law, included in a dubious suicide note to Flanagan. I can't wait to unveil this one once the Red Sox fall out of the pennant race.

LESSONS ABOUT BARTENDING

1. You don't get rich giving things away

Flanagan's uncle made Brian pay for his first beer when he returned from the army. Why? Uncle Tommy owned his bar for 25 years and never bought a drink, not once. As he tells Flanagan, "You out-work, out-think, out-scheme and out-manuever. You make no friends. And you make damned sure you're the smartest man in the room whenever the subject of money comes up." Somebody definitely told this to Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs.

2. Less is more

According to Koglan, bartenders make money for bars by putting less liquor in drinks than you would normally put in drinks. The way you get away with this is by flipping bottles and having fun behind the bar, to distract the customers from the fact that their jack-and-coke is all coke and no jack.

(Don't worry if you're spilling liquor all over the place behind the bar while you're flipping bottles and putting on a show... this is okay, for some reason.)

2a. Bar customers don't actually care about drinking

If you're a good enough bartender, people would rather stand in a crowded bar and watch you flip bottles than actually order a drink. If you can stand on a bar and belt out a three-minute poem, that's an added bonus. Nobody will care and everyone will shut up and listen to you.

(As a former bartender, I don't have any personal experience with this, but I also couldn't flip bottles and spout poetry like Cruise.)

3. A bartender is the aristocrat of the working class

Koglan tells Flanagan this while urging him to hunt for a wealthy woman, telling him, "There are investors out there... there are angels... there are suckers. And there are rich women with nothing to do with their money. You can stand in this bar and be struck by lightning. I've seen it happen." Later on he tells him, "The doors are shut for people like us -- that's why we need to steal the key," which Koglan eventually did.

(In other words, why work hard when you can serve drinks and eventually marry a rich bimbo? Why didn't anyone tell me this while I was getting my Masters, dammit?)

4. Don't bartend for too long

As Flanagan tells Jordan, "You get a bar job to keep your days free for your real gig... after work you're so charged up you have a few drinks and it's party time. The days get shorter and shorter, the nights get longer and longer... before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours."

Words to live by. After six months of bartending, I was staying out until 4:00AM, waking up at noon, smoking and drinking up a storm and getting hit on more than a Blackjack dealer in Vegas. It's a great life... but you get sucked in and it eventually becomes your life. A dangerous line to cross.

(We'll be back on the "Don't buy this front - that was the best year of my life" show after this.)

LESSONS ABOUT LOVE

1. If you think somebody hates you, just wait until you've given them crabs

Koglan came up with that one and even added, "Then you'll REALLY know hatred." How can you NOT like a movie with lines of dialogue like that?

2. If you knock someone up, it's okay to ditch them

After Flanagan found out that Jordan was pregnant, he visited Uncle Tommy for advice. Here was the advice: "She's not trying to shake you down, she's not trying to make you marry her, you don't care about her... walk away from the whole thing." Apparently Uncle Tommy was a character witness at all of Shawn Kemp's child custody hearings.

3. A man will always be judged by the amount of liquor he can consume... and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.

Koglan claimed this was true but I'm not so sure... I mean, there's a reason Chris Farley never married. Since Koglan was pretty dead-on with everything else, we'll accept this one. Classic quote, regardless.

4. When you see the color of the panties, you KNOW you got talent.

Another gem from Koglan. I keep waiting for someone to send me a JPEG of them in their panties after I write a great column; then I'll KNOW I have talent.

--5a. Never fall for a girl named after an inanimate object.
--5b. If your new girlfriend's ring finger has a white circle around it, she's probably married to someone else.
--5c. Never fall for an assembly line hump that does the book on the first date.
--5d. Never tell tales about a woman, she'll hear you no matter how far away she is.

Koglan warns Flanagan away from his new girlfriend Coral by telling him all of these things. He finally ends up just sleeping with her to get the message across.

If you look at those quotes individually, it's really a blueprint for staying away from the wrong girl. You shouldn't fall for someone with a weird, stripper-like name (stick with the generic names - just trust me). You shouldn't get involved with married woman -- ever, under any circumstances -- because someday that could be your wife and you wouldn't want that to happen to you. You shouldn't date someone who "does the book" on the first date because you know that's not the first time it happened. And you shouldn't gossip about your sexual escapades because 1) it's not cool and 2) it always comes back to haunt you.

That's the power of Cocktail. Over the last few paragraphs, you learned about life, drinking, love, bartending, friendship, sex, careers and success. And even if you thought I started this column out tongue-in-cheek -- which is partly true -- I bet you found yourself nodding along more than once.

As for the ending to this column ... everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.

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