June 14, 2000 - Real-Time Diary of Pedro-Roger III

I had been writing "running diaries" ever since the BSG site launched in May of '97; my third column ever was a running diary of the '97 NBA Draft. This particular Yankees-Red Sox game took place in the afternoon, so for my readers trapped at work, I decided to keep a "real-time running diary" in which I posted every 25-30 minutes as the game was happening. I would have been posting even more quickly than that, but it was a pain in the ass to publish things on the Web in 2000. (We even had technical difficulties near the end of this piece, as you will see.) These days, I guess this column would be called a "live blog." Now I'm wondering if this was the first one of its kind, or at least one of the first. Can anyone top June 14, 2000? By the way, this wasn't the greatest column so don't get your hopes up. Look out for a dated "Gladiator" reference, as well as my insistence that Trot Nixon's name be merged into one name (something I had been trying to get going at the time) and that Trot shouldn't be traded straight-up for a guy who hit 64 homers the following season.

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PEDRO-ROGER III
SG's real-time running diary, updated every 30 minutes

by Bill Simmons

1:00 -- We're live at the Sports Guy Mansion for "Pedro-Roger III: The Battle of Good Against Evil!" I'm playing the role of "Guy who's kicking himself right now" ... last week I turned down box seats for today's game (courtesy of my Uncle Rick) because I didn't feel like driving four hours to see Pete Schourek pitch. And then the rain intervened and, well, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, we're joined today by Channel 25's Jerry Remy and Sean McDonough, as well as a bottle of Mountain Dew and two pieces of stale Papa Gino's pizza. We'll be making Internet history today: the first streaming "Ramblings Diary" column of all-time. Every 30 minutes, I'll be posting, typos and all. You can feel the tension in the air.

1:01 -- Fox starts off with the fight music from Rocky (the first Creed-Balboa fight) and a Pedro-Roger montage from their first two games. I have goosebumps on my goosebumps.

1:05 -- Remy warns us to watch out for Clemens and Trotnixon, saying, "If he comes out and hits him, this game could get ugly." Speaking of ugly, what's going on with Jerry's hair? Reader MrNoun@aol.com put it best: "Jerry Remy's haircut really disturbs me. I mean, REALLY disturbs me. He's got kind of a Hitler thing going there. I keep waiting for him to break into a rousing chorus of Deutschland Uber Alles."

1:10 -- Butch Stearns with a feature on Trotnixon's Memorial Day homer. Trotnixon says that when Clemens yelled at him, there was a "flame that went thru my body... that flame started building... with intensity."

(I will have my vengeance. Whether in this life or the next, I will have my vengeance.)

1:12 -- I love Trotnixon. How could anyone want to trade this guy for Sammy Sosa? He's untouchable in my book. I'm not kidding. Certain players have to be judged beyond their stats -- he's one of them. I won't even argue about this.

1:16 -- McDonough reads off the Sox lineup and tells us "The struggling Troy O'Leary has been given the day off again."

(Struggling? I was thinking more along the lines of "floundering" or "drowning.")

1:18 -- R & M list all the reasons why New York fans hate Roger. Everyone hates Roger. This should be a new CBS show... "Everyone Hates Roger," starring John Goodman as Roger, the cross-dresser from "Con Air" as Ricky Ledee and Ruthie from "Real World Hawaii" as Bernie Williams.

1:19 -- Speaking of the "Real World," how 'bout the new New Orleans cast? How much does the Phillipino-black chick look like Charles Barkley in drag? And will you ever get used to seeing two guys kiss in a hottub? I sure won't.

(By the way, after I finish this column I'm moving down to New Orleans to stalk Kelly the Blonde Chick. And yes, we're killing time here because Roger is three minutes late showing up to the mound, the lazy fat hick. I'm not making this up. The game started and Roger is nowhere to be seen. The mound is empty. Very bizarre. Maybe he was abducted by a drunken Dennis Eckersley.)

1:20 -- Raise your hand if you're enjoying the "Jose Offerman's playing 1B and leading off" Era.

1:22 -- One-out single for the utterly and completely rejuvenated Jeff Frye.

(There's something very Josh Baskin-esque about Frye right now... I keep waiting to read about the time he wished for the second base job after putting 25 cents into an unplugged Zoltar machine.)

1:25 -- Trotnixon works an 0-2 count into a walk. Clemens looks like crap and Remy's downing his leg kick. My nipples are ROCK-hard right now.

1:26 -- Nomar walks on four awful-looking pitches. Roger's all out of whack and his leg kick looks worse than Ann Miller's right now, and she's 100 years old. Remy can't stop talking about it. Nobody loves analyzing pitcher mechanics more than Jerry.

1:30 -- Everett pops up with the bases loaded... then Daubach works a full count and pops out. Clemens wiggles out of the inning (like the snake he is).

1:34 -- Here comes Pedro! As WEEI's Dale Arnold said this morning, "You have to feel pretty doggone good when you have Pedro going today for first place." Dale Arnold is definitely the only guy who still says the word "doggone."

(Speaking of WEEI could someone tell Eddie Andelman that it's "Juan Gonzalez," not "Juan Gonzalves"? What an embarrassment he is.)

1:36 -- Ramiro Mendoza's warming up in the bullpen!!! Remy wonders if something's physically wrong with Clemens. Yeah, something's wrong with his scrotum.

1:37 -- Knoblauch leads off with a double -- there goes the no-hitter! Pedro was only 27 outs away. R & M think Pedro looks stiff and they think his delivery looks off.

1:42 -- Pedro whiffs Jeter, loads the bases on a BB and a HBP and strikes out Tino on three pitches. Now Posada's up as Fox jinxes Pedro by showing a graphic of his 22 2/3 scoreless inning streak. Boooooo.

1:47 -- Pedro gets hosed on strike three and walks in a run. 1-0, Yanks. Pedro's pissed about the call. Blame Fox on that one. Thankfully Ricky Ledee is up -- he graciously agrees to pop out. Inning over.

1:53 -- As my buddy Camp would say, "Un-BEEEEEEE-lievable!!!!!!!' Clemens just left the game with a "strained right groin" and Ramiro Mendoza is on the mound and ready to pull an Dave Burba. God, Clemens is the worst, isn't he? Can menstrual cramps really bother your groin that much?

1:54 -- I'm just bummed out. Only Clemens can still let down Red Sox fans even four years after he left the team.

1:56 -- The Sox go down meekly in the second. Can Fox cue up the Rocky music again or something?

2:00 -- More news on Roger: Butch Stearns reports that Roger strained his groin before the game when he saw a five-dollar bill on the floor of the clubhouse and dove down to pick it up.

2:05 -- R & M discuss the Sosa hunt as Pedro goes 1-2-3 in the second, including a K of Knoblauch to end the inning. Three K's for Pedro.

(My take on Sosa: I'd give up Stenson, Lomasney and two pitching prospects in a heartbeat. The goal should be to improve the current team without taking one of the key cogs away... you know, like Trotnixon.)

2:08 -- Hey, if the Sox traded for Sammy, do you think Jimy Williams would meet with him like Duke meeting Rocky before the Drago fight in Rocky 4 and tell him, "You know, Sammy, when Troy O'Leary died, a part of me died too. But now you're the one. You're the one who's gonna make sure Troy's death didn't happen for nothing... you know what you gotta do... so do it. DO IT!"

2:11 -- Offie's on first with no outs. I'm still thinking about the Sosa trade. It's too bad life isn't like "Triple Play 2001" on the Sony PlayStation... we could trade Darren Lewis straight-up for Sammy and it would only cost us 200 trade points. Now THAT's a good deal.

2:13 -- Mendoza's eating up the Sox -- three broken bats, looks dominant, just like he did last year against us. There isn't a Red Sox fan alive who wouldn't want Roger in there right now over Ramiro Mendoza. This is Dave Burba all over again (from Game 2 of the Indians series in '98, when Gooden was thrown out).

2:17 -- Hey, do you think Clemens found out he was going against Pedro last night and sat in the dugout trying to think of fake injuries so he could weasel out of today's game? I'll say my back went out... nahh... I used that one last year in Game Three of the ALCS... I'll say my elbow hurts... nahhh, they'll do an MRI on it and see right thru me... WAIT, I know... I'll say I strained my groin when I was warming up! Yeah! That's what I'll do!

2:19 -- Jeter K's for the second time to lead off the third. K K K K.

2:23 -- For some reason, McDonough remembers the time designer Joseph Abboud called Derek Jeter "Derek Jetter." This is funny on about 19 different levels. Still doesn't beat the time the Sports Gal called Jeter "Keith Jeter" during the ALCS next year, though.

2:25 -- Three up, three down for the Yanks. Pedro is ON.

2:26 -- You know that anti-smoking commercial with that bald guy talking about his wife dying of lung cancer? Does anyone else have nightmares about that guy? It's the first anti-smoking commercial that actually makes you afraid to watch TV, too.

2:27 -- SM: "In case you missed it, Roger Clemens left this game after the first inning because of a blocked ovary."

2:32 -- All bias aside, the chant "YAN-KEES SUCK! YAN-KEES SUCK!" just sounds better than "BOS-TON SUCKS! BOS-TON SUCKS!" The second chant just sounds like a reach. Typical of New Yorkers to take something good from someone else and ruin it completely.

2:36 -- Wilton Veras up with two outs in the fourth and runners on 2nd and 1st... you can feel the strikeout coming here. It's like when you're in the car with someone and they let one fly and there's that interminable five-second waiting period before the whole car starts to smell. That's what I feel like right now.

2:38 -- I was wrong... Veras grounded out. I wonder what Ed Sprague would have done there.

2:39 -- There's just something disorienting about Dunkin Donuts' ads for the "Nomar Summer Sipper." COME GET YOUR NOMAR SUMMER SIPPER RIGHT NOW!!!" Um... no thanks... I have a girlfriend.

2:42 -- Three up, three down for Pedro. He's thrown 63 pitches, given up four hits, walked one, hit one batter, and struck out four. He also healed Mel Stottlemyre and parted the center field bleachers.

2:48 -- SM says that the latest rumor going around has the Sox interested in Houston's Ken Caminiti. Yes, please. He's one of those gritty/gutty/unshaven guys who you love when they're on your team.

2:52 -- A two-out "Don't trade me" single by Trotnixon off Tino's glove, followed by a single off Brosius' glove by the Nomar Summer Sipper. First and second, one out, top of the fifth. Here comes Carl Everett... you can feel it, baby... come on... mama needs a new pair of shoes...

2:54 -- Ugh... Everett strikes out to end the inning. He's left five runners on base today. I'd be swearing and throwing things right now if Carl Everett wasn't involved.

2:58 -- Brosius doubles to the gap with one out, only the second hard-hit ball off Pedro today. Now Knoblauch's up and looks ready for one of those 19-pitch at-bats... uh-oh...

3:02 -- Strike three! On a nine-pitch at-bat. Sit down, Chuck. Then Pedro gets Jeter on a grounder to end the inning and brings Lou Gehrig back to life for good measure.

3:07 -- Yikes! One of my readers just alerted me that ESPN Classic showed the '78 Playoff Game from 1-to-3. Thank God I missed that... they would have had to turn off the no-smoking sign in the SG Mansion and I would've ended up having nightmares about the bald guy from the anti-smoking commercial tonight.

3:12 -- Two more Sox batters stranded as Mendoza gets Offerman out on a weak grounder with runners on first and second. This game is officially giving me blueballs.

3:15 -- "My wife Marie used to smoke. After she got diagnosed with cancer, she used to smoke even more. I used to light her cigarettes for her. The lighter had a happy-face on it. A happy-face."

(AHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! HE'S ON AGAIN!!!!)

3:17 -- I'm not even exaggerating this... Carl Everett almost made the greatest catch of all-time on the centerfield warning track on Paul O'Neill. Missed it by about two inches.. Six hits for the Yanks. Man on second, nobody out. Bottom of the sixth. Bernie's up.

3:23 -- Pedro gets out of the inning with a special assist from Rickey Ledee -- K -- who hasn't looked this overmatched since John Malkovich ordered him around in "Con Air." It looks like Pedro is still angry at the home plate ump -- he keeps doing the long stare thing every time he walks off the mound. Always enjoyable.

(After six innings, it's 1-0, Yanks.)

3:30 -- No-mahhhhhhhhhh! A two-out homer off Ricky Ledee's glove into the LF stands! No-Mahhhhh! Did you enjoy the Nomar Summer Sipper, Ricky? It's a 1-1 game!

3:33 -- Everett singles and takes second when Ledee over-runs the ball. You wanna talk about weak links... you gotta start with Ricky Ledee. It's funny how a baseball team's weakest spots always seem to rear their ugly heads in big games.

3:35 -- The Sox knock out Mendoza and put two runners on with two outs. By the way, you knew this running diary thing would have at least one hitch -- I think all the reader hits at the same time shut the DCB server down. Seriously. I can't make any changes. Help...

3:39 -- Lewis grounds out to end the inning against some guy named Grimsley. I'm so flustered by the IP tool right now that I think I feel a seizure coming on... uh-oh..

(Errjjejjehg eerrrrrrrrv AHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!)

3:41 -- Remember when I wrote that "It's funny how a baseball team's weakest spots always seem to rear their ugly heads in big games"? Well, Tim Wakefield's in for Pedro. Hold onto your seats...

(Final stats on Pedro: six innings, 101 pitches, six hits, one run, two W's, one HBP, seven K's, two healings, one CF bleacher parting, one Yankee legend brought back to life, another battle won over the fat traitor hick.)

3:45 -- Wow! Trot Nixon almost made a phenomenal catch off Shane Spencer to start off the bottom of the seventh... a diving lunge that almost left him with a broken neck. This game has had three of the greatest near-catches of all-time; there have also been two infield hits that bounced off someone's glove. I'm not sure what this means.

3:49 -- With one out and a runner on third, Wakefield gets Knoblauch (K) and Jeter (line drive to Frye) to end the inning. What a game! Not as great as the one last month, but just as classic in a bizarre, mesmerizing "HBO documentary on hookers & pimps" kinda way.

3:51 -- Man, I was going great until the DCB server went down. I feel like I was tossing a two-hitter... then a fan ran on the field and caused a ten-minute delay... and now I can't get my rhythm back.

3:53 -- Reader LGross@(work).com thinks the Clemens injury was eerily reminscent of the scene in Back to School when Chaz (played by the villainous William Zabka) faked a leg injury at the diving meet and Thornton Mellon had to come in and do the Triple Lindy. I think it resembles the scene in Caddyshack when Rodney Dangerfield hit the drive and it bounced back and hit his arm and he waited for a few seconds and then shouted out, "Ooooh, my arm! I think it's broken!" The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Either way, the Dangerfield factor is definitely involved.

3:57 -- Before we forget, I just wanted to say that it was nice of the idiot Yankee fans to avoid jumping face-first on the foul ball screen today.

4:00 -- Jose Offerman just got thrown out of the game for arguing a double-play call from the last inning that he wasn't even involved in (Veras was called out at second when he was CLEARLY safe). SM says sardonically, "Another shaky call in a Sox-Yanks game where the Red Sox got the short end of the stick."

(Nobody twists the knife quite like Sean McDonough. He just doesn't care.)

4:05 -- DAMMMMMMMMITTTTTTT! Wakefield just gave up a two-out bomb to Tino into the RF bleachers. Yankees 2, Sox 1. This is what happens when you give Pedro an extra day of rest and start Brian Rose and use up your bullpen on Tuesday night instead of starting Pedro on Wednesday and Pete Schourek on Wednesday... you end up with Tim Wakefield pitching to Tino Martinez in the eighth inning of a tie game. And where the hell was Rheal Cormier?

(Note: Saying Wakefield is good to have on a staff because he eats innings is like saying Michael Gee is good to have on your sportswriting staff because he "eats up pages.")

4:10 -- There's nothing worse than when the Sox are on the road and the home team breaks up the tie with a go-ahead homer in the bottom of the eighth. The ultimate kick in the crotch. All of the sudden it's the top of the ninth and you're battling against someone like Mariano Rivera.

4:12 -- Just stomped angrily around the house for a couple of minutes.

4:14 -- Jeff Frye leads off the top of the ninth with a line-drive single off the Zoltar machine. As Jerry Trupiano would say, the tying run is on base with NOOOOOOOOO-body out.

4:15 -- Boom-boom KEEHH! Boom-boom KEEHH! Boom-boom KEEHH!

4:17 -- Nixon strikes out on a full count... the hit-and-run's on... Frye gets thrown out at second. I will now light myself on fire.

(Let the record show that strike three was the exact same pitch that was called "ball four" to Posada in the first inning. It's just a shame that the Yankees can't ever win fair and square.)

4:18 -- Rivera snares a Nomar grounder and throws him out to end the game. Final score: Yankees 2, Sox 1. I wish I had a dog to kick. Or a groin.

4:20 -- Some final thoughts...

--1. It's only June.

--2. As far as double murders go, "Called third strike on Nixon/Frye thrown out at third" was right up there with Goldman-Simpson. Jimy's killing this team with hit-and-runs -- they always seem to bite this team in the butt. And Pedro should have pitched yesterday so Brian Rose avoided this series altogether. I feel very strongly about this. Jimy, pull your head out of your rear end, please. You have a team with a legitimate chance to win a World Series here.

--3. It would be fun to see these two teams play a big game without the Yankees getting every big call. Two times and it's a coincidence... 20 times and it needs to be investigated by Bob Ley and the "Outside the Lines" ESPN crew.

--4. I'm just starting to appreciate how great that Memorial Day Weekend Pedro-Roger game was. It will never be topped. Today's game was pretty exciting, but it wasn't even in the same universe as the other game. Of course, the Red Sox won the other game and the other other game wasn't fixed, so maybe I'm biased.

--5. No, I didn't jinx the damned game by doing a running diary. I can feel the e-mails starting to drift into my mailbox already. You're all starting to give me a complex.

--6. When they create the pantheon for "People who come up small in big moments," they might have to devote a whole wing to Pocket Rocket Roger. This guy's come up short more times than Danny DeVito and Muggsy Bogues combined.

--7. It's only June.

--8. There is no God... well, other than Pedro.

--9. Finally, my head is pounding like the guy from "Scanners." I'm never doing this again.

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