THE TWITTER FILES: July '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from July 23rd to June 28th (going backwards)

Just saw the Buehrle highlights. Dwayne Wise is the real-life Mickey Hart!!! (Waiting.) "For Love Of the Game?" Anyone? No?

FYI: At 3:45, TMZ will release the 1989 dunk video that I made with my buddy Bish on a 9-foot rim with Michael McDonald as background music.

Just saw the Crawford/LeBron dunk. Absolutely the biggest letdown since Teri Hatcher's topless scene in Heaven's Prisoners.

Has there even been a juicier week for Deadspin? Daulerio is rooting for my extreme DUI arrest w/ a trannie hooker in the car to cap it off.

Q: Are Nippert & Mathis ... A) a 70's soul act, B) gay lion tamers, or C) 2 Texas P's who shut Boston down for a sweep? (Answer: C.)

This Red Sox season is like Tim Hutton's girlfriend in "Beautiful Girls" - a solid & uninspirational 7.5 in every category.

Things I'd rather do over enduring another Vick/Favre news update, Vol. 80: watch a 2-hr Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman sex tape.

Things I'd rather do over getting treated to another Vick/Favre news update, Vol. 79: plunge Tony Siragusa's backed up toilet

I just designated "Hung" for assignment after it went 0-3 with a 9.44 ERA. No comment on rumors that "Entourage" is next.

FYI: If Stu Cink beats Watson here, he's going to follow that up by stabbing Santa Claus to death.

Has any criminal ever been lavishly praised by sports announcers more than burglars? Those burglars have guts!

I feel like my Dad is one hole away from potentially winning the British Open.

The British Open: gloomy weather, dead crowds, early start times, weird golf courses & British people. Why is this fun again?

Bad sign for Entourage: the season 6 premiere is only funny if watched on HBO Latino. By the way, I don't understand Spanish.

ESPYs party recap: if your wife says, "Who's that? He's REALLY cute!" and it's Sasha Vujacic, it's OK to dump a drink on her.

ESPYs party recap: if you're tall, black, wealthy and famous, it's easy to land loose women with hair extensions. Who knew?

Breaking news from ESPYs: T.O. just broke career record for most awkward award show interactions.

Do you think Lamar Odom's agent and Trevor Ariza's agent graduated in the same year from Shitty Sports Agent Academy?

Please don't blame the Prez for throwing a lousy first pitch. He was wearing a bulletproof vest the size of Dustin Pedroia.

I'd pay 25K for Obama to make a "Hey Joe (Buck), Artie Lange told me you're a big fan of c***suckers.com?" joke right now. No, 50K.

We'll remember UFC 100 as "The Last Night Frank Mir Was a Good Looking Guy."

UFC 100 comment: I think "GSP" stands for "Ginormous Sack Package." Even Derek Smalls thinks GSP should tone that thing down.

2002 reader idea: "How to reinstate passion for MLB All-Star Game: winning team gets 1-year immunity from steroids testing!"

I want to sell my HD-DVD player and Six Flags stock to Omar Minaya. Does anyone have a contact for him?

Just realized that Tour De France combines 3 of my least favorite things: cycling, cyclists & France. No wonder I hate it!

I think we all learned a valuable lesson: don't run in front of Donte Stallworth's car in the early AM when he's high & drunk.

Donte Stallworth: Out after 24 days for DUI manslaughter. We showed him! Don't drive drunk & kill people on our streets!

This year's Mavs are like great seats at a 50 Cent concert. You'll see them and think, "Shit, it's too bad this isn't 2004."

Note to self: don't get seduced by a 20 year-old Iranian waitress from Dave & Busters.

"Hey Chris Wallace, would you like to help out 3 other teams that you're competing against for no reason at all? You would! Thanks!"

"I'd like a non-fat decaf latte" is a fancy way of announcing, "I suck, don't ask me out."

Little-known fact: every time Mariah Carey sings "I'll Be There," she's talking about an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot around the bases as the English stare us down from the mound. Suck it, England!

FYI: Hedo changed his mind in Portland after seeing Greg Oden limp towards him for a handshake. (Waiting.) What, too soon?

The ads for 36-hour Cialis pills should say, "Here's your chance to become the star of your next Eyes Wide Shut party!"

Bad news, Memphis: Chris Wallace just traded Graceland for the Neverland Ranch.

Tweets I'd Make If I Were Black: "Wait, Michael Curry & Terry Porter just lasted 1/4th as long COMBINED as Mike Dunleavy?"

Statement from Pistons to fans: "Look, any time you can tank a season for the chance to spend $95 mill on 2 non-AllStars, you gotta do it."

Just saw a "Sports Soup" ad on Versus during a commercial break for "Caddyshack 2." I'm in the Bermuda Triangle of Suck.

Every '09 Tim Lincecum highlight needs spliced footage of mean-looking Texas kids holding paddles & waiting to kick his ass.

If I murder 4 innocent people tonight, can I use the "listening to So. African soccer horns buzz for 2 hours drove me crazy" defense?

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