THE TWITTER FILES: June '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from June 27th to May 25th (going backwards)
Why do chubby short guys with long hair + beards always wear ugly hawaiian shirts? (Waiting.) Answer me!
Did you ever notice that the Zoltar machine in "Big" looks like Hedu Turkoglu?
Why didn't they make "Big II?" Elizabeth Perkins uses Zoltar to return to 8th grade & be with Josh only he's with the blonde. Love triangle!
More freaked out & frightened: the doc performing M. Jackson's autopsy, or Dreyfuss performing the shark's autopsy in Jaws?
Mike Dunleavy saying someone has no credibility is like Michael Richards calling someone a racist.
How can two female friends talk excitedly at the same time for 20 mins + understand each other? Do women have super-powers?
Cleveland's trade for Shaq was like someone buying homeowner's insurance 4 weeks after losing everything in a house robbery.
I'm fired up that we beat Spain, but what the hell is the Confederation Cup? Is this better or worse than winning an ESPY?
Statement just released by Milwaukee Bucks to their fans: "Dear fans, go eff yourselves. Die. We hate you. Go away."
I don't want to work hard any more. My third book is going to be called "Tiger's Greatest Comebacks."
Love NBC pretending Tiger has a chance to come back. They should say Ben Hogan, Jack Nicklaus + Ty Webb are lurking as well.
My dad's first tweet: "This 2009 US Open is just one more reason to hate New York."
"You have gotta settle yourself down. You have gotta flat settle yourself down." Golf announcing everybody!
Big Papi rips No. 6! There hasn't been a comeback this improbable since Jason Voorhees came back from a severed head.
It's not officially Father's Day until my dad is bitching because JD Drew just took a called 3rd strike.
If Dice-K were a sushi order, he'd be the toro roll - expensive, hard to get + repeatedly unreliable/disappointing.
FYI: The US Open at Bethpage just shattered the record for most white dudes in one place. It's the Bizarro Million Man March.
For fantasy, '09 Nick Green is like a stretchmarked stripper. First 42 glances: Nope. 43rd glance: "I hope none of my friends see this..."
Here's how my AL keeper league season is going: Picked up Nick Green + Robert Andino last night. And I was thrilled to get them. 'Nuff said.
Good news, Yankee fans: The letter "L" now comes with the tag, "Made in Taiwan."
Joe Buck diary entry today: "Plans to be next Costas dashed. Looking at 5 more years w/ McCarver. F*ck!"
I enjoy McDonald's southern chicken sandwich even if its the Ja Rule to Chik Fil-A's Tupac.
Joe Buck to Artie: "You're going to pull me into a dark place in about one more minute, and it's not going to be good." Is today Dec. 25th?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Buck "Artie Lange is ruining my show and my career might never recover!" Face. I'm so happy.
Joey Buss hasn't been this excited since he completed the final mission on Grand Theft Auto 4 last winter.
Joey Buss: Doing his best to keep the reputation of legacy kids as overmatched losers alive! Fredo lives!!!!!!!!
I forgot that the refs for the Allies-Nazis game in Victory were Berend Salvatore, Dirk Bavetta and Jurgen Crawford.
Howie Kendrick's fantasy bandwagon just flipped 35 times + hit a telephone pole. Yes, I went thru the windshield.
You can even call these Yankee pitchers "relievers." They're more like "exacerbationists."
The perils of HD, Vol. 54: Any slow motion replay of CC Sabathia's fat rolls jiggling in slo-mo as he uncorks a pitch. Yuk.
My postgame question for Phil Jackson: "Phil, that was the worst defensive performance in Finals history. I don't have a question."
I want to come back in my next life as an NBA superstar - not for the money or the fame or the girls, but for the calls.
FYI: Every Bud Selig appearance during the MLB Draft ends with Jonathan Silverman + Andrew McCarthy dragging him off-stage.
The NHL Finals in HD: Almost makes me want to come out of retirement and start smoking pot again. Almost.
Is it possible that "I'm hunting little Mexican girls" is even funnier 5 years later? I say yes. http://tinyurl.com/4jh8e
More terrifying: Pablo Escobar if someone stole a coke shipment from him, or Vicente Padilla after a blown inning-ending DP?
Dear MLB: I'm thinking of making readers pay $200 a year for my columns but blacking out the Friday ones just to piss them off. Any advice?
More horrifying: Police now admitting David Carradine's hanging might be a creepy sex act gone wrong, or my Mom predicting this 24 hrs ago?
Can't decide what's more depressing: Big Papi's eye exam, or the inevitable new snarky sports blog, "Big Papi's Eye Exam."
When "Twilight" sweeps your annual Movie Awards show, it's a good sign that you're doing something horribly wrong.
"Time Warner: This is what would happen if Gary Bettman ran a massive cable company."
"Time Warner: Driving Our Customers to Satellite One Family At a Time."
"Time Warner: Where frozen HD pixels happen."
"Time Warner: Where instead of just fixing your cable box that keeps freezing, our operators ask you to unplug it for 30 seconds."
When my daughter turns 16, I'm making her watch "Taken" + telling her, "This is what might happen if you don't listen to me."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where Jon + Kate can make 5 straight Us Weekly covers.
Lebron's box score in newspaper I am reading: 45 11 24 15 19 3 14 12 3 37. Looks like a lottery drawing. We are all witnesses.
More fixed: Game 5 Den-LA, or the "random" lottery in Shawshank when Red & his buddies were picked to work outside on the roof?
I'd like to nominate Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" as the most dated sounding rap song right now. I think it came out in 1903.
Twitter Post You'll Never See: "Only 4 Tonight shows left for my man Leno, I'm starting to get sad. Vaya con dios, my friend."
Can we all agree that JR Smith is the least likely "Smitty" ever?
Andrew Bynum plays with the passion of a porn actress filming her 12th scene in 9 days.
The Lifetime Movie Network is having its annual 3-day "She Kills Me" Weekend. Selena Roberts couldn't have hosted?
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