THE TWITTER FILES: MAY '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from May 24th to May 2nd (going backwards)
The NBA: Where following up one of the 12 greatest shots in playoff history with an 86 free throw clusterf*ck happens.
More homoerotic ad: the Sprite guys chest-bumping & exploding, or Sandler/Farley in Schmitt's Gay? http://tinyurl.com/bg84hs
If I told you 2 NBA players just exploded after a homoerotic Sprite-like chestbump, wouldn't your response be, "Vujacic & Farmar?"
Why can't Reggie Miller just make it official and put on a blonde Ted McGinley wig?
Yes Network just showed a graphic for A-Rod's AB's today: "K K K." That needs a nickname. "The White Hood?"
Stu Scott should promote ABC's postgame show like this: "Stay tuned for a postgame show that doesn't have Reggie Miller!"
Sometimes I think about quitting my column so I can open my very own pupuseria. I'd keep the podcast.
ESPN's Ric Bucher is reporting that George Karl plans on coming up with an effective inbounds play by Game 5. Story developing.
FYI: Lamar Odom is having the greatest "pressuring the inbounds passer" playoff series that anyone's ever had.
Note to Jeff Van Gundy: You can't describe anything Kobe does in Colorado as a "blow-by." Still too soon.
Just realized that there's a bad Tom Cruise movie where he plays an eye patch-wearing Nazi and I haven't seen it yet. What's happened to me?
We need to tweak the NBA's taunting rule. You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, be allowed to taunt Sasha Vujacic.
Mike Breen: "It's raining threes at the Pepsi Center!" If it was raining Lamar Odom threes, everyone would be dead.
"Turkoglu!!!! Billups!!!! It's the NBA Finals on ABC!"
Big Papi has me "my son is the worst player on his Lil' League team + the other kids are picking on him"-level bummed out.
Jerry Manuel looks like Fred Armisen playing Gov. Patterson only with the wrong makeup + wardrobe.
I wish "Around the Horn" panelists pooled their appearance fees each show, winner takes all. Bob Ryan would turn maroon every time he lost.
What's better than the cacaphony of bitter Laker fans leaving the Staples Center complaining about Dick Bavetta? Nothing, I say.
Revised '09 breakout list: 1. R. Lewis; 2. Reggie's agent; 3. Cristal Taylor; 4. D-Rose; 5. Dos Equis Guy; 6. T. Ariza; 7. Ron Jeremy jokes.
Reggie Miller might be Barkley's shakiest crunch-time teammate since Richard Dumas.
It's May 20th and I'm WAY too excited about Big Papi's first homer of the season. Just lemme enjoy this. Thanks.
I'd like to announce that Michael Madsen's performance in Species 2 is my favorite mailed-in acting performance ever.
I've said it a million times: When George Karl is your coach in a tight game, that means George Karl is your coach in a tight game.
First well-played NBA Playoff game since Bulls-Celts Game 6. I'm rooting for Denver simply out of respect for the Stop Snitchin' campaign.
Jay Bilas is right: Hakeem Thabeet has a special skill... sucking.
Do we have to have the lottery system explained to us every year? We get it. There are ping pong balls, probabilities & percentages. Gotcha.
Yankee Stadium is so quiet that you can actually HEAR Derek Jeter losing his bat speed.
Nickname for new Yankee Stadium: "Augusta." Its dead-quiet 99% of time, or there's polite applause.
Yankee Stadium is like flying a red-eye flight first class: Just as quiet, just as expensive.
Can we agree that JT & Stephen got a little Brokebacky there on Day 39? We needed a disgusted Randy Quaid watching them thru binoculars.
My book about this celtics season will be called "Foot On The Line: The Guttiest of Title Defenses Derailed by Inches"
I'm excited for Penny Marshall's new sitcom, "Laverne Ate Shirley."
Does hell have a will call, or is hell just a giant will call?
Watched Groundhog Day last night on FX HD. Poor Andie McDowell. Every pre-Y2K actress who didn't get to use Crest Strips must hate HD.
Is it possible that one of Cristal Taylor's 8 aliases is "Gary Bettman?" She does have a checkered history of stealing money from people.
The NHL: "Where playing two Round 2 Game 7's at the exact same time and you can only see one unless you pay $79 happens."
If my fantasy baseball career was a 70s Florida coed sorority house, Phil Hughes would be ted bundy
Dwight Howard might be the worst great player ever. I swear that made sense.
"She's a stripper with 8 aliases and a record, he's a former NBA MVP from Germany, and I'm Maury Povich. Welcome back."
Wait, does this mean I have to return the 2007 NBA MVP Trophy that I bought on eBay for 350 bucks last week?
If you were Denver, wouldn't you have bailed out Nowitzki's fiancee and sat her courtside behind Dallas' bench? (Waiting.) What? Too soon?
Things I'd Do If I Were A Rapper, Vol 1: Record songs with choruses like "40 Games In 40 Nights," "Where Amazin' Happens" & "My Fab Five."
TNT programming note: Marv Albert is wearing Joe Pantaliano's toupee from Season 4 of the Sopranos tonight.
Cialis question: Why did they decide on a logo of a couple lounging in adjoining bathtubs? Are two bathtubs a prerequisite for torrid sex?
More doomed idea: Building yet another TV drama around Dylan McDermott, or trying to win a huge playoff game on the road with Baby & Scal?
The perfect bet: total 2009 Papi HR's vs number of "Hawthorne" episodes before TNT's first Will Smith cameo request. Which number is higher?
Reggie Miller is apparently taking classes at the Tommy Wiseau School for Acting. "You're tearing me apart, mailbag!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm taking Zaza Pachulia first in my NBA Steroids Draft next week. Back zits and an irrational temper? My scouts love him.
Heard on FMC: "You're gonna go DOWN. You crossed the LINE and people trusted you and they DIED." 50-year storms made Keanu's acting worse.
I wanna be the first Survivor contestant to crack the top-6 & then not break down like a Hallmark commercial upon seeing a family member.
Shit, Turkoglu's face just broke my HD tuner. Could someone tell me what's happening?
FYI: All of Dwight Howard's picks tonight are being sponsored by Mayflower Movers.
Why can't they change the title of Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker - Waltz of the Flowers" to "The Bushwood CC Pool Dance?" Who's against this?
Don Mattingly doesn't have a Hall of Fame resume unless you include this poster: http://tinyurl.com/cxkhrb. Then? He's in. Easily.
Jaws is on Cinemax19. Worse decision: Doc bringing Tony Allen into Game 6, or the Amityville mayor opening the beach on July 4th weekend?
"Honey, I have to go to my 'Heads Up Poker' taping. Do you know where my Full Tilt Poker sportscoat and matching baseball hat is?"
I think I'd pay $2500 to see Nancy Lieberman riding a horse while trying to successfully interview a jockey at the Kentucky Derby.
Darren Pang and Mike Milbury: there hasn't been a height disparity behind a desk like that since Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.
Things I Hate, Vol. I: Anyone who copy-pastes someone else's entire column onto their blog or message board instead of just linking to it.
Things I Hate Vol 2: the fact that the NHL, a league that needs all the help it can get, charges 79 bucks for its playoff package.
Things I Hate Vol. 3: The surly guys who set up bouncy castles for birthday parties. Please add them to all FBI serial killer profile lists.
Things I Hate Vol. 4: NFL Draft grades. Like anyone knows. "I will now grade the weather 9 weeks from now. July 2nd, B-plus! July 3rd, D!"
Things I Hate Vol. 5: "Tony Allen has entered the game for defensive purposes." The eight most chilling words in sports.
I just lost my Twitter virginity.
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