ALMOST FAMOUS QUOTES
Here's the master list that I used for my 2-part NBA column (including ones that I didn't use)

Honey, you want to rebel about knowledge. I’m trying to give you the Cliff’s Notes on how to live life in this world.

This is a house of lies!

--There it is, your sister used the “F” word.
--I think she said “feck.”
--What's the difference?
--The letter “u.”

This song explains why I’m leaving home to become a stewardess.
One day you'll be cool. Look under your bed, it'll set you free.

Listen to Tommy with a candle burning, and you'll see your entire future.

The Doors? Jim Morrison? He's a drunken buffoon posing as a poet. Give me the Guess Who – they got the courage to be drunken buffoons, which makes them poetic!

Live? American Woman? The most brilliant piece of gobbedly good ever! Give me some white light white heat! Iggy Pop! Aaaaaaaaa-men!

--What are you like the star of your school?
--They hate me.
--You’ll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.

--It’s a shame you missed out on on rock and roll. It’s over. I mean, you got here just in time for the death rattle. Last gasp. Last grope.
--At least I’m here for that.

It’s gonna get ugly, they’re gonna buy you drinks, you’ll meet girls, they’ll gonna try to fly you places for free, offer you drugs … I know, it sounds great. These people are not your friends. These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories about the genius of the rock stars, and they will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything we love about it.

You’re coming along at a very dangerous time for rock and roll. The war is over. They won. 99 percent of what passes for rock and roll these days – silence is more compelling.

WE, are not Groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We’re here because of the music. We are Band Aids. We support the music, we inspire the music, we are here because of the music.

You have to make your reputation on being honest … and unmerciful.

It’s all happening! It’s all happening.

Does anyone remember laughter?!?!?

--Russell. Jeff. Ed. Larry. I really love your band. I think the song “Fever Dog” is a big step forward for you guys. And you guys producing it yourselves instead of Glynn Johns was the right thing to do. And Russell, Russell, the guitar sound... is in-sin-diary. Incendiary. Way to go.
--Well, hey, don't stop there! Yeah, come back here! I’m incendiary, too, man!

--How old are you?
--Eighteen.
--Me too!
--How old are we really?
--Seventeen.
--Me too!
--Actually, I’m sixteen.
--Me too. Isn’t it funny? The truth just sounds different.
--I’m fifteen.

It’s not what you put into it. It’s what you leave out. Listen to Marvin Gaye, a song like “What’s Happening, Brother,” there’s a single “woo!” at the end of the second verse … that’s what you remember. It’s the little things, the silly things, it’s only one of them and it makes the song. It’s what you leave out. That’s rock and roll. It’s what you leave out.

--I’ve made a decision, I’m gonna live in Morocco for one year. I need a new crowd. Do you wanna come?
--Yes! Yeah.
--Are you sure?
--Ask me again.
--Do you wanna come?
--Yes! Yes.

I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. Never take it seriously, you never get hurt. Never get hurt, you can always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends.

Act One, in which she pretends she doesn’t care about him. Act Two, in which he pretends he doesn’t care her, but, he goes right for her. Act Three, in which it all plays out the way she planned it. She’ll eat him alive.

--You’re funny. If you were only taller and English and rich and a guitar player and older…
--I’d- I’d be somebody else.
--Yeah. Good point.

Bless my father, for I may sin tonight.

You’re too good looking and too talented to be trusted and everybody knows that.

--Listen, I think you should be writing for us. Any ideas?
--Ummmm… how ‘bout Stillwater?

Come on Doris, you darling bus, you can make it!

Is this Mr. Miller? You have a message from Elaine, your mother. She’s a handful. (Pause.) She freaked me out.

He looks harmless, but he does represent the magazine that trashed Layla, broke up Creem, wrecked every album that Led Zeppelin ever made. Don’t forget the rules, man, this little shit is the enemy. He writes what he sees. (Thinking.) Although it would be cool to be on the cover.

Could you please give him a message for me? Tell him to call home immediately. And also tell him: I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

All right. But I'm just going to say this, and I'm going to stand by it: you should be really proud of him. ‘Cause I know men and I'll bet you do too. And he respects women, and he likes women, and let’s just pause and appreciate a man like that. I mean, you created him out of thin air, you know, you raised him right, he's having a great time, he's doing a good job, and don't worry, he's still a virgin. And we're all looking out for him. You know? And that's more than I've ever even said to my own parents, so there you go. This is the maid speaking, by the way.

--Just make us look cool.
--I will quote you warmly and accurately.
--Well, that’s what I’m worried about.

Some of the stuff that happens is good for a few people to know about, as opposed to, say… one million people.

You’re dangerous. You see everything. Most people? They’re just waiting to talk. But you listen.

See, I grew up with these guys. I can’t play all that I can play. I’m past them as musicians, but the more popular we get, the bigger their houses get, the more responsibilites, the pressure, you know, it gets harder for me to walk out on them.

You forget what it’s like to be a fan. You hear it in bands all the time. It doesn’t sound like music anymore. It sounds like… lifestyle maintenance or something. I used to be able to hear the sounds of the world, everything. To me, it sounded like music. And now I don’t hear it, you know, anymore.

What am I doing? I am telling secrets to the one guy you don’t tell secrets to.

You wanna buy a gate?!?!? (Crash.) You just bought a gate!!!

Here’s the thing about Russell: he’s my last project. All the guys are good, but he can be great.

--What’s your real name?
--I’ll never tell.

It's okay! I'm easy to forget! Just leave me behind! I'm only the fucking lead singer!

It’s the record company’s mistake and they will pay! T-shirts gone, band happy, all right?

--Can we just skip the vibe, and go straight to us laughing about this? Because I can see by your face that you wanna get into it.
--How can you tell? I’m just one of the out of focus guys.

I’m just hungry man, let’s just go out and find some barbecue or something.

--From the very beginning, we said I’m the front man and you’re the guitarist with mystique. That’s the dynamic we agreed on. Page, Plant. Mick, Keith. Blackmore, Gillan. But somehow it’s all turning around. We have got to control what’s happening! There’s a responsibility here.
--Excuse me, but didn’t we get into this to avoid responsibility.

I work just as hard or harder than anybody on that stage. You know what I do? I connect. I get people off! I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off. Actually, that you can print!

Don’t you see, man, the T-shirt is everything.

And lemme just say what nobody else wants to say - your looks have become a problem!

From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in from here on out.--You’re real. Your room is real. Your friends are real. Real, man, real. You know? Real, you know. You’re more important than all the silly machinery. The silly machinery. And you know it! In eleven years its going to be 1984, man. Think about THAT! --Wanna see me feed a mouse to my snake? --Yes. Please don't give him any more acid. Thank you.

--Dick, I got him. He’s OK. He is on acid though. I-I can’t really tell. How do you know when it’s kicked in?
(Cut to Russell standing on a roof.)
--I am a golden god!!!!

--And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!
--Russell, I think we should work on those last words!!!
--I got it, I got it. This is better. Last words: I dig music. (Tepid applause.) I'm on drugs! (Wild cheering)

I see what you’re doing… and I like it!

Look at him, he’s taking notes with his eyes. How do we know you’re not a cop? Huh? The enemy? Stop fucking looking at me!

--Don’t worry, he only means half of what he says.
--Which half?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the evening is over. We hope you all enjoyed yourselves and we'll see you all again in 1974. Good evening!

--I have to go home.
--You are home.

Sorry, I can’t concentrate. Rock stars have kidnapped my son.

Show me any guy who ever said he didn’t want to be popular, and I’ll show you a scared guy. I’ve studied the entire history of music. Most of the time, the best stuff is the popular stuff. It’s much safer to say popularity sucks, because that allows you to forgive yourself if you suck. And I don’t forgive myself. Do you?

Tell you think it’s a think piece about a mid-level band struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom. He’ll wet himself.

--Don't you have any regular friends?
--Famous people are just more interesting.

Your time has come. Deflower the kid!!!!

--It’s a think piece about a mid-level band struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom. He’ll wet himself.
--I like what we’re saying! Lemme try to get you a thousand more words.

Your charm doesn’t work on me, I’m onto you.

He's not ready for your world of compromised values and diminished brain cells that you throw away like confetti. Am I speaking to you clearly? If you break his spirit, harm him in any way, keep him from his chosen profession… you will meet the voice on the other end of this telephone and it will not be pretty. Do we understand each other? I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell Hammond.

“Sounds and bong and it sounds like lots of fun. Won’t you get on my back for a piggy back ride. Get on my back for a piggy back riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.”

--Your mom kind of freaked me out.
--She means well.

Do you know how to keep from getting charged for the ice below the floorboards at Chicago Stadium? Do you know how to do a headlining tour? Do you know how to get a record not just pressed, but played. I didn't invent the rainy day, man. I just own the best umbrella.

You gotta take what you can, when you can, while you can, and you gotta do it now. That’s what the big boys do.

If you think Mick Jagger will still be out there trying to be a rock star at age fifty, then you are sadly, sadly mistaken.

Side proposition to the winner: For 50 bucks and a case of Heineken, I’ll throw into the pot three lovely ladies, including Miss Penny Lane of the famous Band Aids, who have to leave the tour before we get to New York.

This is the circus. Everybody's trying not to go home. Nobody’s saying goodbye. (Pause.) Quit looking at me like that.

I’m telling you, you’re coming along at a very dangerous time for rock and roll. The war is over. They won. They will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything that you love about it.

When and where does this "real world" occur? I mean, I am really confused here.

Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and pissed off! And I could be very dangerous to all of you! I am not sweet and you should know that about me. I am the enemy!

You said we were going to go to Morocco. There is no Morocco. There's never been a Morocco. There's not even a Penny Lane. I don't even know your real name.

--Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer? I was there! I was there! (Long pause.) I’m sorry.
--What kind of beer?--

Hey William, we showed you America. Did everything but get you laid.
(William smiles.)
--No! Yeah? Nooooooo!

A Mo-Jo, it's a very high modern machine that transmits pages over the telephone. It only takes eighteen minutes a page.

And they don’t just put someone with one little hit on the cover of Rolling Stone F***ing Magazine!

I love you. And I'm about to boldly go where... many men have gone before.

If something should happen, mnaybe I never said this enough: I love all of you.

I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and kept going. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, but I’m sorry. Not a day goes by when I don’t see his face.

You’re all like family to me. If I took an extra dollar from you here and there, it’s because I knew I’d earned it.

None of us love you. You act above us, you always have. You just held it over us like you might leave, like we’re lucky to be with you. And we had to live it, man. I had to live with you, and now I might die with you, and it’s not fucking fair!

That groupie? She was a band aid. All she did was love your band. And you all used her, all of you. You used her and threw her away… you guys are always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans, she was your BIGGEST fan and you threw her away. And if you can’t see that, that’s your biggest problem.

Fuck it… I’m… I’m gay!!!

Write what you want.

Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong. Cuz they make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool. I know. I’ve met you… we are uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. And they get the girls, but we're smarter. Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... and let's face it, you got a big head start.

--I'm glad you were home.
--I'm always home. I'm uncool.
--Me too.
--The only true currency in this bankrupt world if what we share with someone else when you're uncool.

My advice to you: I know you think those guys are your friends. If you wanna be a true friend to them? Be honest, and unmerciful.

“I’m flying high over Tupelo, Mississippi with America’s hottest band. And we’re all about to die.”

--We’re buffoons! Rock 'n' roll can save the world? The chicks are great? I sound like a dick!
--You are a dick.

Is it that hard to make us look cool?

I never said I was a golden god... or did I?

Before I go, lemme give you a lesson in mystique. (Holds out a cigarette lighter in one hand and closes his other fist.) You can only have one. Which one do you want? As long as you can’t see what’s in this hand (shows closed fist), you’ll always want it more.

--I forgive you.
--I didn’t apologize.

--I just can’t picture you with Leslie.
--I’m the you they get, when they can’t get you.

Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak! They don't even know what it is to be a fan. To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.

I can’t really talk right now, I’m in a room full of people. (Pause.) Actually, I’m alone.

I'm never as good as when you're there.

There’s hope for you yet, Russell.
Well. So, this is where the enemy sleeps.

You know, I think we both wanted to be with her. But she wanted us to be together.

--So, Russell... what do you love about music?
--To begin with? (Smiles.) Everything.

**END**