August 15, 1999 - The perils of golf announcing
Ahhh, yes... the good old days when I could poke fun at bad sports announcing. I probably went a tad overboard here, but screw it - we needed to post this one with the 2008 U.S. Open coming up this weekend. Enjoy the unfathomably dated references to "The Blair Witch Project."
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THE PERILS OF ANNOUNCING, VOL. XXIII
Why is it so hard to announce a golf major?
by Bill Simmons
My favorite moment of today's PGA championship occured when Sergio Garcia drained a 15-foot birdie on the 13th green: a twisting, downhill putt that no teenager should have made under the circumstances, bringing him within three strokes of leader and resident superhero Tiger Woods. With Tiger watching the putt from the 13th tee, young Sergio pumped his fist and walked towards the icon, holding his fist in the air and staring him down. Just a great sports moment, golf's equivalent of Stone Cold Steve Austin standing on the top rope and giving the middle finger to Vince McMahon. Stuff like that never happens in golf... which is precisely what made it so much fun.
Of course, my least favorite moment of yesterday's PGA Championship occured after the upstart teenager's extended fist-pump, as the CBS announcers had a collective orgasm.
First, Jim Nantz uncrossed his legs long enough to scream out something like "I think that was an extra message for Tiger!" His cronies in the booth reiterated his feelings. CBS showed us a replay. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. The CBS guys were practically pulling their pants down and rushing the 13th green, they were so fired up. Nantz desperately tried to seize the moment, yelping something like, "If Tiger and Sergio are to be the next great rivalry in golf, then we can look back to the 13th hole at Medinah to where it began."
"Excellent point, Jim," Ken Venturi agreed.
"Man, what a moment!" another of Jim's cronies gushed.
As for me, I wasn't enjoying the moment so much anymore. The CBS guys ruined it for me. No big surprise there; golf announcers ruin everything. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch golf anymore without wanting to press the mute button, which puts the sport in line with just about everything else these days.
So here's my question: Why is it so damned difficult to broadcast a golf match?
Really, is it that hard? There wasn't anybody watching the PGA Tournament yesterday for Peter Oosterhuis, Peter Kostis, David Feherty, Ken Venturi or Jim Nantz; we were watching to see if Tiger could hold off this Sergio guy. That's it. And yet everyone on CBS thought we were watching the tournament just to hear them babble and repeat themselves and reiterate themselves and expound on the same points and say the same things and blurt out the same, worn-out cliches over and over again.
Hey, it shouldn't be that difficult to announce a golf tournament. Just stick to these rules:
* When somebody is mulling over their next shot, tell me how far they have to the hole. Tell me if they have a clear shot. Tell me what club they're using. Tell me if the ball is resting in a good lie. If you disagree with a choice they just made, tell me why as succinctly as possible, do not repeat what you just said, then shut up.
* When somebody hits a drive, just tell me where it's landing. When somebody hits an approach, tell me where it's headed while it's still in the air - the green, the hole, a spectator's face, wherever. If a shot is heading left or right, tell me "left" or "right" while it's in the air, then shut up.
* When we're looking at a chip shot or long putt, tell me if it's possible for the ball to get close to the hole. Tell me if the greens have been fast or slow. Tell me if there have been comparable putts/chips from that spot earlier in the day, what happened on those shots, then shut up.
That's it. If you're saying anything not related to any of those ten things, shut up. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Shut up. Shut the hell up. Shut up. For the love of God, shut up. Just shut up. Please please PLEASE shut the fuck up.
So how would they know if they're not sticking to one of those guidelines? Well, that's why I'm here. Here are ten ways to improve golf telecasts and make them somewhat palatable:
POINTER #1: Be honest.
Don't sugarcoat your comments. When someone is stinking out the joint, we can tell simply because no athlete seems more "naked" than a golfer having a bad day. For instance, some out-of-nowhere guy named Mike Weir was playing with Tiger and submitting a performance worthy of Carl the Gardner from "Caddyshack." It was a familiar story, a Roy McAvoy-type putting together three great rounds before self-destructing in the fourth round under the TV lights. It happens every golf tournament. There's always a Mike Weir involved. Always.
So Weir's putting in on the 18th for an 80 -- repeat, 80 -- and one of the CBS guys tells us, "He'll be back. He'll be back. He got some good experience today."
Good experience? Good experience? The guy just shot an 80 in the final group in the final round of a major. He could crash his car on the way home and have a better experience than that. Are you kidding me?
POINTER #2: Don't try to be funny
As most local sports radio shows prove, there's nothing worse than a group of people trying to be funny who aren't funny. Golf announcers are especially tough to take because they aren't clever enough to come up with their own material, so they latch onto something entertaining and try to feed off the humor of the moment. For example, yesterday's announcers were giddy every time Sergio did one of his little hops or made one of his goofy faces. (Too bad Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf wasn't playing; they would have loved him.) Anyway, see if some of these sentences sound familiar:
"Oh, look at him! Is he having fun out there or what? This kid's something special! I love this kid! Does the gallery love this guy or what? Is this kid fun to watch or what? I'll tell you, this kid is something special! Is this a coming-out party or what? Is this kid 19 or 39? The gallery is eating this kid up! Does this kid have a personality or what? Can you have more fun than this guy? Is this kid delightful or what?" And so on.
Say it once and it's fine. Say it 100 times and I'm getting angry. Say it 10,000 times over the course of four hours and suddenly I'm rooting for a tree to fall on young Sergio.
POINTER #3: Stop using the same damned cliches every tournament
If I hear the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time, I'm having an aneuryism.
Repeat: If somebody says the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time on national TV during a professional golf tournament, a blood clot will form in my brain, clog an artery, and cause me to have a seizure. I'm not kidding. I can already feel a warm spot above my temple that wasn't there at 2:00 yesterday afternoon.
POINTER #4: But if you insist on using cliches...
There are two acceptable ones: "Now that's a golf shot" and "Just bring your putter." Those are okay. Just don't use them too much.
POINTER #5: Don't try to make every golf tournament "special"
Why? Because when you make every golf tournament seem special, it's more difficult to realize when you're actually watching something special... you know, like a 19-year-old muchacho from Spain trying to kick Tiger's behind in a freaking major. Remember how the electric Jose Maria OlaTHHHHHHHHHHabal was putting the finishing touches on the '99 Masters and Jim Nantz told us, "Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ovation!"?
(Polite clapping)
Sound familiar? Of course it does. Nantz said the same thing twice today -- once for Sergio and once for Tiger -- and says the same thing at least once a tournament. OJ Simpson could be walking up the 18th with people firing gunshots at him and Nantz would gush, "And let's listen to this ovation."
POINTER #6: Remember, this is GOLF we're dealing with here
Because golf isn't spontaneous or dangerous, most announcers overcompensate by going bonkers whenever a golfer does anything out of the ordinary. For instance, young Sergio was stuck with a horrific lie for his second shot on 16; the ball was hugging a tree stump and begging for the proverbial Judge Smails foot wedge. Since Sergio was, you know, TRYING TO WIN HIS FIRST MAJOR, he decided to try and hit the shot with a slice... nearly an impossible shot, but not that dangerous unless he missed the ball completely and smacked his club into a tree.
Of course, the CBS announcers made it sound like Sergio was trying hit the ball next to one of the trees from the Blair Witch woods.
"Somebody call an osteopath," Peter Kostis gasped. "This is the kind of shot that can end somebody's career... he could break both of his wrists and ruin his career if he tries this... OH MY GOD HE HAS HIS FOUR-IRON OUT!... I'm closing my eyes... I don't even want to watch this... I've never been so scared in my whole life... HE DID IT! HE DID IT! AND IT'S ON THE GREEN!!!!!!!"
Great shot? Absolutely. One of the best ever. But we all knew Sergio wasn't getting hurt. A drunken hacker playing at a public country club might get hurt, yes... but not a professional, and especially not a skilled professional. It's not happening. You know it and I know it.
Now if Sergio went back after that shot and saw a pile of sticks and slime all over his golf bag... well, I would have been impressed.
POINTER #7: Cool it with the "history" angle
We know it's a major. We know the PGA Championship has been played for 100 billion years. We know there's some history here. Now can we concentrate on this year's tournament? Christ, if Tiger snuck into the woods to take a leak after the ninth hole, Nantz would have gushed, "And nature is calling for Tiger Woods, bringing back memories of Gene Sarazen's bowel movement in the woods during the 1917 tournament that set off a near-stampede in the gallery..."
POINTER #8: It's impossible to create a rivalry
Rivalries just kinda happen. McEnroe and Borg. McGwire and Sosa. Chris and Martina. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Dylan and Brandon. They all just kinda happened. You can put two talented athletes in position to have a great rivalry, but they need to possess the requisite amount of charisma -- both of them -- which is why all the media-created rivalries of the past decade bombed so miserably: MJ and the Mailman, Griffey and Bonds, Sampras and Agassi, Steffi and Martina, Tyson and Holyfield, Woods and Duval, and everyone else. Even with two charismatic competitors, they still need to raise each other to another level, do this repeatedly, and display a joint ability to seize The Moment. Then, and only then, can you have a great rivalry.
So for Nantz to tell me that yesterday's Garcia-Woods battle was the beginning of golf's next great rivalry... well, I found it a little insulting, to say the least. Let's let young Sergio finish puberty first.
POINTER #9: Silence is golden
One of the networks needs to televise a golf tournament and order their announcers not to speak unless it's absolutely relevant. Stick to my aforementioned Ten Tips and see what happens. I'm begging you. Just once.
And if you won't give us #9...
POINTER #10: Electroshock treatment
It's barbaric, it's senseless... but it might be our only recourse.
"You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fair-- AHHH!!!!"
"Is he having fun out there or wha- AAAHHH!"
"Now that's a gold sh-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"He'll be back. He may have shot an 80, but he'll be ba-AAAAHHHH!"
"Somebody forgot to tell Sergio that the tournament was ov-AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ova-AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY INSIDES ARE BURNING UP! AAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
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