August 15, 1999 - The perils of golf announcing
Ahhh, yes... the good old days when I could poke fun at bad sports announcing. I probably went a tad overboard here, but screw it - we needed to post this one with the 2008 U.S. Open coming up this weekend. Enjoy the unfathomably dated references to "The Blair Witch Project."
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THE PERILS OF ANNOUNCING, VOL. XXIII
Why is it so hard to announce a golf major?
by Bill Simmons
My favorite moment of today's PGA championship occured when Sergio Garcia drained a 15-foot birdie on the 13th green: a twisting, downhill putt that no teenager should have made under the circumstances, bringing him within three strokes of leader and resident superhero Tiger Woods. With Tiger watching the putt from the 13th tee, young Sergio pumped his fist and walked towards the icon, holding his fist in the air and staring him down. Just a great sports moment, golf's equivalent of Stone Cold Steve Austin standing on the top rope and giving the middle finger to Vince McMahon. Stuff like that never happens in golf... which is precisely what made it so much fun.
Of course, my least favorite moment of yesterday's PGA Championship occured after the upstart teenager's extended fist-pump, as the CBS announcers had a collective orgasm.
First, Jim Nantz uncrossed his legs long enough to scream out something like "I think that was an extra message for Tiger!" His cronies in the booth reiterated his feelings. CBS showed us a replay. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. The CBS guys were practically pulling their pants down and rushing the 13th green, they were so fired up. Nantz desperately tried to seize the moment, yelping something like, "If Tiger and Sergio are to be the next great rivalry in golf, then we can look back to the 13th hole at Medinah to where it began."
"Excellent point, Jim," Ken Venturi agreed.
"Man, what a moment!" another of Jim's cronies gushed.
As for me, I wasn't enjoying the moment so much anymore. The CBS guys ruined it for me. No big surprise there; golf announcers ruin everything. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch golf anymore without wanting to press the mute button, which puts the sport in line with just about everything else these days.
So here's my question: Why is it so damned difficult to broadcast a golf match?
Really, is it that hard? There wasn't anybody watching the PGA Tournament yesterday for Peter Oosterhuis, Peter Kostis, David Feherty, Ken Venturi or Jim Nantz; we were watching to see if Tiger could hold off this Sergio guy. That's it. And yet everyone on CBS thought we were watching the tournament just to hear them babble and repeat themselves and reiterate themselves and expound on the same points and say the same things and blurt out the same, worn-out cliches over and over again.
Hey, it shouldn't be that difficult to announce a golf tournament. Just stick to these rules:
* When somebody is mulling over their next shot, tell me how far they have to the hole. Tell me if they have a clear shot. Tell me what club they're using. Tell me if the ball is resting in a good lie. If you disagree with a choice they just made, tell me why as succinctly as possible, do not repeat what you just said, then shut up.
* When somebody hits a drive, just tell me where it's landing. When somebody hits an approach, tell me where it's headed while it's still in the air - the green, the hole, a spectator's face, wherever. If a shot is heading left or right, tell me "left" or "right" while it's in the air, then shut up.
* When we're looking at a chip shot or long putt, tell me if it's possible for the ball to get close to the hole. Tell me if the greens have been fast or slow. Tell me if there have been comparable putts/chips from that spot earlier in the day, what happened on those shots, then shut up.
That's it. If you're saying anything not related to any of those ten things, shut up. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Shut up. Shut the hell up. Shut up. For the love of God, shut up. Just shut up. Please please PLEASE shut the fuck up.
So how would they know if they're not sticking to one of those guidelines? Well, that's why I'm here. Here are ten ways to improve golf telecasts and make them somewhat palatable:
POINTER #1: Be honest.
Don't sugarcoat your comments. When someone is stinking out the joint, we can tell simply because no athlete seems more "naked" than a golfer having a bad day. For instance, some out-of-nowhere guy named Mike Weir was playing with Tiger and submitting a performance worthy of Carl the Gardner from "Caddyshack." It was a familiar story, a Roy McAvoy-type putting together three great rounds before self-destructing in the fourth round under the TV lights. It happens every golf tournament. There's always a Mike Weir involved. Always.
So Weir's putting in on the 18th for an 80 -- repeat, 80 -- and one of the CBS guys tells us, "He'll be back. He'll be back. He got some good experience today."
Good experience? Good experience? The guy just shot an 80 in the final group in the final round of a major. He could crash his car on the way home and have a better experience than that. Are you kidding me?
POINTER #2: Don't try to be funny
As most local sports radio shows prove, there's nothing worse than a group of people trying to be funny who aren't funny. Golf announcers are especially tough to take because they aren't clever enough to come up with their own material, so they latch onto something entertaining and try to feed off the humor of the moment. For example, yesterday's announcers were giddy every time Sergio did one of his little hops or made one of his goofy faces. (Too bad Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf wasn't playing; they would have loved him.) Anyway, see if some of these sentences sound familiar:
"Oh, look at him! Is he having fun out there or what? This kid's something special! I love this kid! Does the gallery love this guy or what? Is this kid fun to watch or what? I'll tell you, this kid is something special! Is this a coming-out party or what? Is this kid 19 or 39? The gallery is eating this kid up! Does this kid have a personality or what? Can you have more fun than this guy? Is this kid delightful or what?" And so on.
Say it once and it's fine. Say it 100 times and I'm getting angry. Say it 10,000 times over the course of four hours and suddenly I'm rooting for a tree to fall on young Sergio.
POINTER #3: Stop using the same damned cliches every tournament
If I hear the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time, I'm having an aneuryism.
Repeat: If somebody says the phrase "You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fairway" one more time on national TV during a professional golf tournament, a blood clot will form in my brain, clog an artery, and cause me to have a seizure. I'm not kidding. I can already feel a warm spot above my temple that wasn't there at 2:00 yesterday afternoon.
POINTER #4: But if you insist on using cliches...
There are two acceptable ones: "Now that's a golf shot" and "Just bring your putter." Those are okay. Just don't use them too much.
POINTER #5: Don't try to make every golf tournament "special"
Why? Because when you make every golf tournament seem special, it's more difficult to realize when you're actually watching something special... you know, like a 19-year-old muchacho from Spain trying to kick Tiger's behind in a freaking major. Remember how the electric Jose Maria OlaTHHHHHHHHHHabal was putting the finishing touches on the '99 Masters and Jim Nantz told us, "Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ovation!"?
(Polite clapping)
Sound familiar? Of course it does. Nantz said the same thing twice today -- once for Sergio and once for Tiger -- and says the same thing at least once a tournament. OJ Simpson could be walking up the 18th with people firing gunshots at him and Nantz would gush, "And let's listen to this ovation."
POINTER #6: Remember, this is GOLF we're dealing with here
Because golf isn't spontaneous or dangerous, most announcers overcompensate by going bonkers whenever a golfer does anything out of the ordinary. For instance, young Sergio was stuck with a horrific lie for his second shot on 16; the ball was hugging a tree stump and begging for the proverbial Judge Smails foot wedge. Since Sergio was, you know, TRYING TO WIN HIS FIRST MAJOR, he decided to try and hit the shot with a slice... nearly an impossible shot, but not that dangerous unless he missed the ball completely and smacked his club into a tree.
Of course, the CBS announcers made it sound like Sergio was trying hit the ball next to one of the trees from the Blair Witch woods.
"Somebody call an osteopath," Peter Kostis gasped. "This is the kind of shot that can end somebody's career... he could break both of his wrists and ruin his career if he tries this... OH MY GOD HE HAS HIS FOUR-IRON OUT!... I'm closing my eyes... I don't even want to watch this... I've never been so scared in my whole life... HE DID IT! HE DID IT! AND IT'S ON THE GREEN!!!!!!!"
Great shot? Absolutely. One of the best ever. But we all knew Sergio wasn't getting hurt. A drunken hacker playing at a public country club might get hurt, yes... but not a professional, and especially not a skilled professional. It's not happening. You know it and I know it.
Now if Sergio went back after that shot and saw a pile of sticks and slime all over his golf bag... well, I would have been impressed.
POINTER #7: Cool it with the "history" angle
We know it's a major. We know the PGA Championship has been played for 100 billion years. We know there's some history here. Now can we concentrate on this year's tournament? Christ, if Tiger snuck into the woods to take a leak after the ninth hole, Nantz would have gushed, "And nature is calling for Tiger Woods, bringing back memories of Gene Sarazen's bowel movement in the woods during the 1917 tournament that set off a near-stampede in the gallery..."
POINTER #8: It's impossible to create a rivalry
Rivalries just kinda happen. McEnroe and Borg. McGwire and Sosa. Chris and Martina. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Dylan and Brandon. They all just kinda happened. You can put two talented athletes in position to have a great rivalry, but they need to possess the requisite amount of charisma -- both of them -- which is why all the media-created rivalries of the past decade bombed so miserably: MJ and the Mailman, Griffey and Bonds, Sampras and Agassi, Steffi and Martina, Tyson and Holyfield, Woods and Duval, and everyone else. Even with two charismatic competitors, they still need to raise each other to another level, do this repeatedly, and display a joint ability to seize The Moment. Then, and only then, can you have a great rivalry.
So for Nantz to tell me that yesterday's Garcia-Woods battle was the beginning of golf's next great rivalry... well, I found it a little insulting, to say the least. Let's let young Sergio finish puberty first.
POINTER #9: Silence is golden
One of the networks needs to televise a golf tournament and order their announcers not to speak unless it's absolutely relevant. Stick to my aforementioned Ten Tips and see what happens. I'm begging you. Just once.
And if you won't give us #9...
POINTER #10: Electroshock treatment
It's barbaric, it's senseless... but it might be our only recourse.
"You couldn't have dropped that ball any better down the middle of the fair-- AHHH!!!!"
"Is he having fun out there or wha- AAAHHH!"
"Now that's a gold sh-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"He'll be back. He may have shot an 80, but he'll be ba-AAAAHHHH!"
"Somebody forgot to tell Sergio that the tournament was ov-AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"Here's the walk up the 18th fairway... and let's listen to this ova-AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY INSIDES ARE BURNING UP! AAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
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March 22, 2000 - Boston Media & the SI Jinx
One of my favorite BSG columns because of the WEEI stuff and the Sports Final section. The one part I butchered was the Will McDonough section, which should have been funnier (not sure what I was going for there).
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RANTING AND RAVING
With S.I. picking the Red Sox to win the 2000 World Series, how will local sports media members react? SG has a sneak preview!
by Bill Simmons
In case you missed it, Sports Illustrated stuck Pedro Martinez on this week's cover with the headline "Why the Red Sox Will Win the World Series," a development which ripped through an panic-stricken New England area with the deadly efficiency of the ebola virus. Since the Boston sports media thrives on torturing local fans and ruining their collective will to live, you can only guess what might happen in print and on the local airwaves now that the dreaded SI Jinx has joined forces with the Curse of the Bambino.
In fact, you can almost predict what will happen... let's take a look, shall we? Here's what you might be reading/hearing/seeing over the next few days:
OPENING PARAGRAPHS OF THE NEXT DAN SHAUGHNESSY COLUMN, THURSDAY, MARCH 22
Your mother-in-law just announced she's moving in for a few weeks. Your accountant just remembered that he forgot to file your tax forms. Your daughter just came home from college with a tongue piercing and a boyfriend named Jamaal X. And now, Sports Illustrated has slapped the dreaded SI Jinx on Red Sox Nation.
You can bet the Fellowship of the Miserable will be in full-force today. Optimism in New England was running especially high this spring after the Sox rallied back against Cleveland last October and took the Yankees to five tough games. With Pedro and Nomar back, Ramon healthy and Nixon and Varitek ready for breakthrough seasons, Sox fans were actually mulling "This could be the year" thoughts. There was a surprising feeling of optimism surfacing around Red Sox camp, as the ghosts of Bill Buckner, Denny Galehouse, Bucky Dent, Luis Aparicio, Larry Andersen, Enos Slaughter and the Bambino himself seemed to have disappeared to haunt some other wretched franchise.
Now? All those ghosts are back in full-force. The SI Jinx has joined forces with the Curse of the Bambino. Get ready for another disappointing season, Sox fans. It might be a new millennium, but this one will be crueler than the last. Amen.
SEGMENT FROM THE "DENNIS AND CALLAHAN" SHOW, THURSDAY MORNING, 3/23
-JD: Well, Gerry, let's talk about this SI Jinx and the Red Sox. SPORTS ILLUSTATED has made the Red Sox their World Series Pick this year.
-GC: (audible sneering sound, followed by a cackle)
-JD: The cover shows PEDRO MARTINEZ holding a baseball with the caption, "Why the Red Sox will win the World Series (reason #1: Pedro Martinez)." As you can guess, our DUMP LINE is lighting up, so call in now at 555-Dump so you can sound like a DRUNKEN RETARD and we can make fun of you on the air.
-GC: Yeah, this should be great... you can hear the screams from Sox fans... I love when they get riled up. Losers. Die, all of you.
-JD: The dreaded SI JINX strikes again! Didn't you used to work there, Gerry?
-GC: I left because they turned down my idea for a weekly column: "Why I Hate Sports." Hey, lemme see that magazine... (pause) How come this has Bob Kraft's address on it? You steal this from the Kraft house?
-JD: No, I was over there for dinner last night and they let me borrow a copy.
-GC: Did you tell them we're in a movie?
-JD: I did, I did. In case you haven't heard, Gerry and I are in the new FARRELLY BROTHERS movie. We play two prison guards and we were just DELIGHTED to be involved.
-GC: You guys are gonna love this movie. I don't like anything, but I loved the script. And Lenny Clarke's in it.
-JD: Is he GREAT? Is he FUNNY? Is he SOMETHIN' ELSE?
-GC: He's great. The best. We love Lenny.
-JD: We're playing golf with him today.
-GC: I know, I know... you shouldn't mention that on the air though because everyone will be jealous. Remember, our listeners might not think we're normal guys because we make a combined half million bucks a year, we both have wives and kids, we play golf every day and we haven't been in a sports bar in ten years.
-JD: Right, right... let's talk about guy talk stuff... um...
-GC: How 'bout that Sopranos show last night?
-JD: Yeah. GREAT show. And how bout the next "Sex On a Beach" show?
-GC: Do those lifeguards have huge jugs or what?
-JD: Enormous! I'd love to drink beer and put my head between those!
-GC: Hi-yo!!!!!!!!!!!!
-JD: See, we're just two guys, talking just like normal guys would!
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM STEVE BUCKLEY'S HERALD COLUMN, THURSDAY, 3/23
Hey Red Sox Nation, you're not scared of a stupid jinx, are you???
Remember folks, they play the game on the field, not on the cover of a national magazine. You think Pedro and Ramon care what SI has to say? You think a veteran with a World Series ring like Bret Saberhagen cares about a jinx? You think Rich Garces can even read?
Listen, you have every reason to be scared, but this is a time to rejoice about our baseball team. Look at the bright side -- when's the last time a Sox player was on the cover of SI, right? And the Curse of the Bambino and the SI Jinx will cancel each other out, right?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Baseball was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and dang it, that's the way it should be. It's March and we're talkin' baseball. Everything is right with the world. God bless baseball.
SEGMENT FROM THE "A-TEAM" SHOW, THURSDAY AFTERNOON, 3/23
(We hear the voices of Eddie Andelman and Dale Arnold)
-DA: On the line with us right now is Red Sox manager Jimy Williams. Jimy, this is Dale Arnold along with Eddie Andelman.
-JW: Hey guys.
-DA: Well, I guess you saw the cover of Sports Illustrated this week, so I'll make my first question relatively short, even though I usually like to make them about 2-3 minutes long each -- do you believe in jinxes, Jimy? (fake, obsequious laugh)
-JW: Nahhh... that stuff is for groundhogs and serial killers... especially if you're taking the milk out of the fridge every day and you can't stop to smell the cereal.
-DA: In all seriousness, you have to admit, it must be nice that SOME of these "experts" are taking you guys a little more seriously this season, wouldn't you say?
-JW: Nahhh... we don't get caught up in that... that's like a great dane trying to hump a poodle... you can't make something happen unless it just happens on its own.
-EA: Ahhhh, Jimy, ahhhhh, while I was reading the Sport Magazine article this morning, I was eating a French Crull-ah. Do you like French Crull-ahs?
-JW: Huh?
-EA: Ahhhh, you know, I like just about every kind of, ahhhh, donut, but ahhhhhh, I think French Crull-ahs are my favorite. Ahhhh, you'll always notice that, ahhhh, police officers order them, and, ahhhh.... nobody knows a good donut like the men in blue.
-JW: The funny thing about donuts is that they sit in your stomach for two weeks undigested... you end up sitting on the bowl looking like a werewolf waitin' for a full moon!
-EA: Jerry, ahhhh, while you're, ahhhh, on here, ahhhhh, I want to, ahhhh, apologize again for putting you down over the, ahhh, last few years. Clearly, ahhhh, I was wrong, and, ahhh, you're a terrific manager, right up there with the Tommy LaRussas and the Mike Torrez's.
-JW: Thank you very much, Eddie.
-DA: Jimy, I know you don't like criticizing specific players, and again, I'm going to make the introduction to this question as long as possible so our listeners can sense from my voice just how serious I am, and also I can't ask a question unless it's at least 30 seconds long... but were you a little upset with Michael Coleman last week when he bashed the front office?
-JW: No, not really... you take a pack of coyotes and they all might be moving in the same direction, but you know one or two of them will end up carrying a cheetah bone eventually.
-EA: Ahhh... what about Manny Cordoba? Ahhh... I like what I've seen from him so far... he's a big kid and, ahhh, he can hit and he's white ... ahhh, do you think there's, ahhh, any chance you can, ahhhh, work him into the lineup, ahhh, maybe in the place of Darrell Lewis or Chad Everett?
-JW: Absolutely... Marty's a professional hitter and he'll get the chance to play here... the best thing about this team is that we have a bunch of veteran guys who know you can't pull a pot of gold out of a Leprechaun's ass unless the Leprechaun bends over first.
-DA: You don't sound like manager of a team that might be jinxed, Jimy! (long, obsequious laughter).
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM KAREN GUREGIAN'S HERALD COLUMN, FRIDAY, 3/24
Sports Illustrated picked the Red Sox to win it all? Bad.
Very bad.
I do not usually believe in jinxes but I believe in this jinx because it comes true a lot.
Scary.
Bad things happen because of Sports Illustrated covers. I hope these things will not happen to the Sox. I was excited about them having a good season. Now I am not as excited. The Sox played well last year but they need to play better. We will see how they respond to this bad jinx over the next few months. This is like having a black cat walk in front of the team bus or a scary voodoo lady cursing them.
Very bad.
Not good.
I am frightened for the Red Sox. Hopefully Pedro's arm will not get hurt or Nomar will not hurt his back or something. This would all be bad, and Sports Illustrated would deserve all the blame if the Red Sox do not do well. It is a shame because everything was pointing to this being a very good year for the Red Sox. Now?
Bad. Very bad.
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM PETER GAMMONS' ESPN COLUMN, FRIDAY, 3/24
This Red Sox team doesn't believes in jinxes or curses. These guys think they're good. Yankee players this spring talk of how hard and close their ALCS series with the Red Sox turned out to be, and when Pedro Martinez says, "We didn't play our best and we didn't get any of the breaks," he speaks for everyone.
If Pedro can repeat his brilliance from '99, if Nomar and Ramon can stay healthy, if Carl Everett can handle the Boston media, if Trot Nixon and Carl Everett break through like the coaching staff expects, if they get lucky with either Brian Rose, Juan Pena or Sun Woo Kim, if John Valentin and Mike Stanley can bounce back from lackluster years, if Jose Offerman continues to improve at second base, if Derek Lowe and Rod Beck can hold down the bullpen, if Dan Duquette goes out an acquires a Brad Radke or a Sterling Hitchcock, if Troy O'Leary can have another big season, if Tim Wakefield can bounce back from a disastrous postseason, if Morgan Burkhart and Donnie Sadler are for real, if Rheal Cormier can continue to get lefties out, and if Jimy Williams continues to push all the right buttons... well, this is a team that could definitely contend in October.
SEGMENT FROM THE "BIG SHOW," FRIDAY AFTERNOON, 3/24
(We hear the voices of Glen Ordway, Fred Smerlas, Pete Sheppard and Dick Radatz)
-GLEN: Are right, Meat, what do else do we have for the 20/20?
-PETE: Well, Big O, Red Sox Nation continues to panic over the recent SI Jinx that was slapped on the Sox this week-.
-GLEN: Oh, please.
-PETE: Big O-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: They sho-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: If they-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: Hold on-.
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: Wait, just-.
-GLEN: I'll tell you th-.
-PETE: Shouldn't th-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you something!!!!! People... need... to calm down. It's just... a maga...zine! It's just a magazine, right? Come on, people! Half of these guys on this team can't... even... read... english...
-DICK: When I was playing with the Sox in the 60's, nobody even read a newspaper. Sure, that was 40 years ago, but, uh...
-PETE (screaming): THIS JUST PROVES WHY RED SOX FANS STINK AND THE YANKEES RULE ALL!!! JINX!!! JINX!!!!!
-FRED: Pete, you need dhdgaganh fdhfdhfhds. Gdhdhdhn dhdhsha dhtryhdh unibrow dhdhdhdh all-you-can eat dhjdhdhd bfytkhlkhl dhsgsagahakj.
(All four guys laugh hysterically)
-GLEN: Fred, you have more important things to worry about... like your back hair!
-FRED: Come on Big O.... fgsfadx fgfgrgr hkhgkfkdj svcvdfefe hgkhkhkhk.
-PETE (screaming): I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! BOW DOWN TO ME AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWESOME RED POWER!
-GLEN: Look Fred, you're driving Pete crazy... he can't get a word in edgewise.
-FRED: He's just jealous fhfhdhdsh sahfhhjrjdkjm fjkfjriehjrjfnj.
-DICK: I remember one time when we were playing the Twins, I started Killebrew inside with a heater, then gave him the Uncle Charlie, than brushed him back on 0-2. That was the only jinx that anyone believed in back then.
-PETE (screaming): ARE YOU THREATENING ME, RADATZ? COME... FEEL THE POWER OF THE HELL BEAST! FEEL THE FIRE OF SKELETOR!!!!!!!!!
(We hear a big explosion)
-GLEN: Whoa! Pete just blew a ball of fire at Dick Radatz and reduced him to a ball of ashes! Dick Radatz just got cremated, folks!
-PETE (screaming): BURN! BURN! BURN MONSTER BURN!
-GLEN: Pete, instead of burning the Monster into smithereens, you should have concentrated on more important things.... like singing Fred's back hair!
-FRED: Come on, fhfhdhshav dgdgedgrg gkgkfkfdkd whshdhshshs again!!!
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM WILL MCDONOUGH'S GLOBE COLUMN, SATURDAY, 3/25
Ticket sales are up for the Red Sox almost 20% this season and the optimism around the Red Sox camp is higher than ever. These guys really think they have a chance to compete and they think it's funny that the fans and media around here are so worried about an SI Jinx. It just goes to show you how easily the fans can manipulated by the local media around here. The funny thing is, most of these guys think they're important and they can honestly affect the mood of the local scene. Well, I have a newsflash for the Shaughnessys, Ordways and Callahans out there. And here it is: I have chunks of guys like you in my stool.
This is my town. MY town.
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM MICHAEL HOLLEY'S GLOBE COLUMN, SUNDAY, 3/26
The Holley Lama is not a man who believes in jinxes, but I would be lying if I did not tell you that I was not superstitious. In fact, back when I was covering ML Carr's Celtics in 1997, the then-Celtics coach tried to claim that his team started playing poorly as soon as the Lama had been assigned to the Celtics beat by the paper you are reading today. To this, the Lama just laughed. Blaming me for a 15-67 season would be like Dr. Dre blaming Suge Knight because "The Aftermath" did not crack the top ten.
(Note to Dre: Nice job getting back to your roots with "Dre 2001." The Lama was very pleased. And adding Eminem and Eddie Griffin was a beautiful touch, brother.)
Anyway, we are talking about jinxes today because the weekly bible of bibles -- the corporate monolith also known as Sports Illustrated -- has decided to make our Boston Red Sox their "pick du jour" for the 2000 baseball season, which has everyone in Boston scurrying and running for cover as if you and I were watching a Japanese movie together and the fams were Japanese people and the SI cover was Godzilla. To this, the Lama says, "Why would you mess up a perfect spring training! Can't you let the Lama enjoy some positive karma, for once?"
Now... I do not know if I am the correct person to analyze jinxes, but I am almost positive that I heard someone tell me once that Sports Illustrated has a way with sports teams like Bobby Brady's tiki had a way with the Brady family in Hawaii, and I guess I am trying to say that I am hoping that Pedro Martinez doesn't get into a surfing accident or a tatarntula does not crawl down the back of Nomar Garciaparra's uniform, because that would be stranger than fiction, if you get my drift.
OPENING SEGMENT FROM BOB LOBEL'S "SPORTS FINAL" TV SHOW, SUNDAY NIGHT 3/27
(We see Lobel in a forum with Steve Burton, Upton Bell and Bob Ryan.)
-LOBEL: All right, the big story ... the SI Jinx! ... Sports Illustrated has picked ... THE RED SOX ... to win the World Series this year. Guys, what do we think?
-RYAN: Well, I think we would all agree that the panic around this region is-is-is an embarrassment and reflects badly on what everyone around here would agree is a t-t-t-terrific, terrific sports town and the whole thing makes me sick and I can't stand when everyone gets bent out of shape like this and I need to t-take a breath before I pass out.
-LOBEL: Upton, you've been a member of the local media here for over 50 years, and your toupee has been around even longer than that... do you believe in jinxes?
-BELL: Funny story, Bob... in 1972, when I was GM of the Pats, we took a wide receiver by the name of Phil McCracken in the 11th round of the draft, and he was actually killed by a voodoo cult that summer. Four months later, I was fired. And I haven't held a real job since. So, yes, I believe in jinxes.
-STEVE: Come on! That's just ridiculous! That's just ridiculous! Come on!
-BELL: What?
-STEVE: This whole jinx thing! It's ridiculous! I don't buy it at all! Don't come around here hawking that stuff to me because I'm not buying!
-LOBEL: Why not, Steve?
-STEVE: Look, if-if Boston Magazine put me on the cover and picked me to win the, uh, World Series of Sports Broadcasting this year, does that mean I would start screwing up on the air?? Come on guys!!!!!! Jeez! Really!
-LOBEL: Well, that would never happen, for two reasons: 1) There IS no World Series of Broadcasting, and 2) If there was a World Series of Broadcasting, you'd lose a seven game series to George Smith in the first round.
-STEVE: Now, I resent that! I just resent that! You asked me to come on here and start screaming at everyone so people would take me a little more seriously and I did that for you!!!!
-LOBEL: Steve, just shut up.
-STEVE: Okay. Sorry.
-RYAN: I can't believe I'm agreeing with such a moron, but I think Steve's right. Everyone around here IS getting too carried away... it's just a magazine cover, that's it. Look, part of the problem here is that everyone gets too wrapped up in curses and jinxes and overlooks the most important factor -- wins and losses. And if this team is winning in October, everyone will forget about the fact that Sports Illustrated stuck them on the cover.
-STEVE: But what if they're LOSING in October? Huh? What then? And what if they keep losing well into November and December? What then?
-RYAN: November and December? (turning to Lobel) Where did you find this guy?
-UPTON: If any team COULD lose in November and December, it's the Red Sox.
-STEVE: Aw, come on! Come on!
-RYAN: All we're doing is catering to what Sports Illustrated wanted when they chose the Sox this week -- they knew everyone here would go into a tizzy. And they knew the media would beat this thing into the ground. And that's exactly what happened. By the way, we're getting paid in cash tonight for our appearance, right? No checks. That WAS the agreement, right?
-BOB: Interesting debate... we'll be back after this as we tackle the one-month anniversary of the McSorley incident. Don't go away.
**END**
One of my favorite BSG columns because of the WEEI stuff and the Sports Final section. The one part I butchered was the Will McDonough section, which should have been funnier (not sure what I was going for there).
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RANTING AND RAVING
With S.I. picking the Red Sox to win the 2000 World Series, how will local sports media members react? SG has a sneak preview!
by Bill Simmons
In case you missed it, Sports Illustrated stuck Pedro Martinez on this week's cover with the headline "Why the Red Sox Will Win the World Series," a development which ripped through an panic-stricken New England area with the deadly efficiency of the ebola virus. Since the Boston sports media thrives on torturing local fans and ruining their collective will to live, you can only guess what might happen in print and on the local airwaves now that the dreaded SI Jinx has joined forces with the Curse of the Bambino.
In fact, you can almost predict what will happen... let's take a look, shall we? Here's what you might be reading/hearing/seeing over the next few days:
OPENING PARAGRAPHS OF THE NEXT DAN SHAUGHNESSY COLUMN, THURSDAY, MARCH 22
Your mother-in-law just announced she's moving in for a few weeks. Your accountant just remembered that he forgot to file your tax forms. Your daughter just came home from college with a tongue piercing and a boyfriend named Jamaal X. And now, Sports Illustrated has slapped the dreaded SI Jinx on Red Sox Nation.
You can bet the Fellowship of the Miserable will be in full-force today. Optimism in New England was running especially high this spring after the Sox rallied back against Cleveland last October and took the Yankees to five tough games. With Pedro and Nomar back, Ramon healthy and Nixon and Varitek ready for breakthrough seasons, Sox fans were actually mulling "This could be the year" thoughts. There was a surprising feeling of optimism surfacing around Red Sox camp, as the ghosts of Bill Buckner, Denny Galehouse, Bucky Dent, Luis Aparicio, Larry Andersen, Enos Slaughter and the Bambino himself seemed to have disappeared to haunt some other wretched franchise.
Now? All those ghosts are back in full-force. The SI Jinx has joined forces with the Curse of the Bambino. Get ready for another disappointing season, Sox fans. It might be a new millennium, but this one will be crueler than the last. Amen.
SEGMENT FROM THE "DENNIS AND CALLAHAN" SHOW, THURSDAY MORNING, 3/23
-JD: Well, Gerry, let's talk about this SI Jinx and the Red Sox. SPORTS ILLUSTATED has made the Red Sox their World Series Pick this year.
-GC: (audible sneering sound, followed by a cackle)
-JD: The cover shows PEDRO MARTINEZ holding a baseball with the caption, "Why the Red Sox will win the World Series (reason #1: Pedro Martinez)." As you can guess, our DUMP LINE is lighting up, so call in now at 555-Dump so you can sound like a DRUNKEN RETARD and we can make fun of you on the air.
-GC: Yeah, this should be great... you can hear the screams from Sox fans... I love when they get riled up. Losers. Die, all of you.
-JD: The dreaded SI JINX strikes again! Didn't you used to work there, Gerry?
-GC: I left because they turned down my idea for a weekly column: "Why I Hate Sports." Hey, lemme see that magazine... (pause) How come this has Bob Kraft's address on it? You steal this from the Kraft house?
-JD: No, I was over there for dinner last night and they let me borrow a copy.
-GC: Did you tell them we're in a movie?
-JD: I did, I did. In case you haven't heard, Gerry and I are in the new FARRELLY BROTHERS movie. We play two prison guards and we were just DELIGHTED to be involved.
-GC: You guys are gonna love this movie. I don't like anything, but I loved the script. And Lenny Clarke's in it.
-JD: Is he GREAT? Is he FUNNY? Is he SOMETHIN' ELSE?
-GC: He's great. The best. We love Lenny.
-JD: We're playing golf with him today.
-GC: I know, I know... you shouldn't mention that on the air though because everyone will be jealous. Remember, our listeners might not think we're normal guys because we make a combined half million bucks a year, we both have wives and kids, we play golf every day and we haven't been in a sports bar in ten years.
-JD: Right, right... let's talk about guy talk stuff... um...
-GC: How 'bout that Sopranos show last night?
-JD: Yeah. GREAT show. And how bout the next "Sex On a Beach" show?
-GC: Do those lifeguards have huge jugs or what?
-JD: Enormous! I'd love to drink beer and put my head between those!
-GC: Hi-yo!!!!!!!!!!!!
-JD: See, we're just two guys, talking just like normal guys would!
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM STEVE BUCKLEY'S HERALD COLUMN, THURSDAY, 3/23
Hey Red Sox Nation, you're not scared of a stupid jinx, are you???
Remember folks, they play the game on the field, not on the cover of a national magazine. You think Pedro and Ramon care what SI has to say? You think a veteran with a World Series ring like Bret Saberhagen cares about a jinx? You think Rich Garces can even read?
Listen, you have every reason to be scared, but this is a time to rejoice about our baseball team. Look at the bright side -- when's the last time a Sox player was on the cover of SI, right? And the Curse of the Bambino and the SI Jinx will cancel each other out, right?
Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Baseball was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and dang it, that's the way it should be. It's March and we're talkin' baseball. Everything is right with the world. God bless baseball.
SEGMENT FROM THE "A-TEAM" SHOW, THURSDAY AFTERNOON, 3/23
(We hear the voices of Eddie Andelman and Dale Arnold)
-DA: On the line with us right now is Red Sox manager Jimy Williams. Jimy, this is Dale Arnold along with Eddie Andelman.
-JW: Hey guys.
-DA: Well, I guess you saw the cover of Sports Illustrated this week, so I'll make my first question relatively short, even though I usually like to make them about 2-3 minutes long each -- do you believe in jinxes, Jimy? (fake, obsequious laugh)
-JW: Nahhh... that stuff is for groundhogs and serial killers... especially if you're taking the milk out of the fridge every day and you can't stop to smell the cereal.
-DA: In all seriousness, you have to admit, it must be nice that SOME of these "experts" are taking you guys a little more seriously this season, wouldn't you say?
-JW: Nahhh... we don't get caught up in that... that's like a great dane trying to hump a poodle... you can't make something happen unless it just happens on its own.
-EA: Ahhhh, Jimy, ahhhhh, while I was reading the Sport Magazine article this morning, I was eating a French Crull-ah. Do you like French Crull-ahs?
-JW: Huh?
-EA: Ahhhh, you know, I like just about every kind of, ahhhh, donut, but ahhhhhh, I think French Crull-ahs are my favorite. Ahhhh, you'll always notice that, ahhhh, police officers order them, and, ahhhh.... nobody knows a good donut like the men in blue.
-JW: The funny thing about donuts is that they sit in your stomach for two weeks undigested... you end up sitting on the bowl looking like a werewolf waitin' for a full moon!
-EA: Jerry, ahhhh, while you're, ahhhh, on here, ahhhhh, I want to, ahhhh, apologize again for putting you down over the, ahhh, last few years. Clearly, ahhhh, I was wrong, and, ahhh, you're a terrific manager, right up there with the Tommy LaRussas and the Mike Torrez's.
-JW: Thank you very much, Eddie.
-DA: Jimy, I know you don't like criticizing specific players, and again, I'm going to make the introduction to this question as long as possible so our listeners can sense from my voice just how serious I am, and also I can't ask a question unless it's at least 30 seconds long... but were you a little upset with Michael Coleman last week when he bashed the front office?
-JW: No, not really... you take a pack of coyotes and they all might be moving in the same direction, but you know one or two of them will end up carrying a cheetah bone eventually.
-EA: Ahhh... what about Manny Cordoba? Ahhh... I like what I've seen from him so far... he's a big kid and, ahhh, he can hit and he's white ... ahhh, do you think there's, ahhh, any chance you can, ahhhh, work him into the lineup, ahhh, maybe in the place of Darrell Lewis or Chad Everett?
-JW: Absolutely... Marty's a professional hitter and he'll get the chance to play here... the best thing about this team is that we have a bunch of veteran guys who know you can't pull a pot of gold out of a Leprechaun's ass unless the Leprechaun bends over first.
-DA: You don't sound like manager of a team that might be jinxed, Jimy! (long, obsequious laughter).
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM KAREN GUREGIAN'S HERALD COLUMN, FRIDAY, 3/24
Sports Illustrated picked the Red Sox to win it all? Bad.
Very bad.
I do not usually believe in jinxes but I believe in this jinx because it comes true a lot.
Scary.
Bad things happen because of Sports Illustrated covers. I hope these things will not happen to the Sox. I was excited about them having a good season. Now I am not as excited. The Sox played well last year but they need to play better. We will see how they respond to this bad jinx over the next few months. This is like having a black cat walk in front of the team bus or a scary voodoo lady cursing them.
Very bad.
Not good.
I am frightened for the Red Sox. Hopefully Pedro's arm will not get hurt or Nomar will not hurt his back or something. This would all be bad, and Sports Illustrated would deserve all the blame if the Red Sox do not do well. It is a shame because everything was pointing to this being a very good year for the Red Sox. Now?
Bad. Very bad.
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM PETER GAMMONS' ESPN COLUMN, FRIDAY, 3/24
This Red Sox team doesn't believes in jinxes or curses. These guys think they're good. Yankee players this spring talk of how hard and close their ALCS series with the Red Sox turned out to be, and when Pedro Martinez says, "We didn't play our best and we didn't get any of the breaks," he speaks for everyone.
If Pedro can repeat his brilliance from '99, if Nomar and Ramon can stay healthy, if Carl Everett can handle the Boston media, if Trot Nixon and Carl Everett break through like the coaching staff expects, if they get lucky with either Brian Rose, Juan Pena or Sun Woo Kim, if John Valentin and Mike Stanley can bounce back from lackluster years, if Jose Offerman continues to improve at second base, if Derek Lowe and Rod Beck can hold down the bullpen, if Dan Duquette goes out an acquires a Brad Radke or a Sterling Hitchcock, if Troy O'Leary can have another big season, if Tim Wakefield can bounce back from a disastrous postseason, if Morgan Burkhart and Donnie Sadler are for real, if Rheal Cormier can continue to get lefties out, and if Jimy Williams continues to push all the right buttons... well, this is a team that could definitely contend in October.
SEGMENT FROM THE "BIG SHOW," FRIDAY AFTERNOON, 3/24
(We hear the voices of Glen Ordway, Fred Smerlas, Pete Sheppard and Dick Radatz)
-GLEN: Are right, Meat, what do else do we have for the 20/20?
-PETE: Well, Big O, Red Sox Nation continues to panic over the recent SI Jinx that was slapped on the Sox this week-.
-GLEN: Oh, please.
-PETE: Big O-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: They sho-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: If they-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: Hold on-.
-GLEN: Lemme tell you someth-!
-PETE: Wait, just-.
-GLEN: I'll tell you th-.
-PETE: Shouldn't th-
-GLEN: Lemme tell you something!!!!! People... need... to calm down. It's just... a maga...zine! It's just a magazine, right? Come on, people! Half of these guys on this team can't... even... read... english...
-DICK: When I was playing with the Sox in the 60's, nobody even read a newspaper. Sure, that was 40 years ago, but, uh...
-PETE (screaming): THIS JUST PROVES WHY RED SOX FANS STINK AND THE YANKEES RULE ALL!!! JINX!!! JINX!!!!!
-FRED: Pete, you need dhdgaganh fdhfdhfhds. Gdhdhdhn dhdhsha dhtryhdh unibrow dhdhdhdh all-you-can eat dhjdhdhd bfytkhlkhl dhsgsagahakj.
(All four guys laugh hysterically)
-GLEN: Fred, you have more important things to worry about... like your back hair!
-FRED: Come on Big O.... fgsfadx fgfgrgr hkhgkfkdj svcvdfefe hgkhkhkhk.
-PETE (screaming): I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! BOW DOWN TO ME AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWESOME RED POWER!
-GLEN: Look Fred, you're driving Pete crazy... he can't get a word in edgewise.
-FRED: He's just jealous fhfhdhdsh sahfhhjrjdkjm fjkfjriehjrjfnj.
-DICK: I remember one time when we were playing the Twins, I started Killebrew inside with a heater, then gave him the Uncle Charlie, than brushed him back on 0-2. That was the only jinx that anyone believed in back then.
-PETE (screaming): ARE YOU THREATENING ME, RADATZ? COME... FEEL THE POWER OF THE HELL BEAST! FEEL THE FIRE OF SKELETOR!!!!!!!!!
(We hear a big explosion)
-GLEN: Whoa! Pete just blew a ball of fire at Dick Radatz and reduced him to a ball of ashes! Dick Radatz just got cremated, folks!
-PETE (screaming): BURN! BURN! BURN MONSTER BURN!
-GLEN: Pete, instead of burning the Monster into smithereens, you should have concentrated on more important things.... like singing Fred's back hair!
-FRED: Come on, fhfhdhshav dgdgedgrg gkgkfkfdkd whshdhshshs again!!!
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM WILL MCDONOUGH'S GLOBE COLUMN, SATURDAY, 3/25
Ticket sales are up for the Red Sox almost 20% this season and the optimism around the Red Sox camp is higher than ever. These guys really think they have a chance to compete and they think it's funny that the fans and media around here are so worried about an SI Jinx. It just goes to show you how easily the fans can manipulated by the local media around here. The funny thing is, most of these guys think they're important and they can honestly affect the mood of the local scene. Well, I have a newsflash for the Shaughnessys, Ordways and Callahans out there. And here it is: I have chunks of guys like you in my stool.
This is my town. MY town.
OPENING PARAGRAPHS FROM MICHAEL HOLLEY'S GLOBE COLUMN, SUNDAY, 3/26
The Holley Lama is not a man who believes in jinxes, but I would be lying if I did not tell you that I was not superstitious. In fact, back when I was covering ML Carr's Celtics in 1997, the then-Celtics coach tried to claim that his team started playing poorly as soon as the Lama had been assigned to the Celtics beat by the paper you are reading today. To this, the Lama just laughed. Blaming me for a 15-67 season would be like Dr. Dre blaming Suge Knight because "The Aftermath" did not crack the top ten.
(Note to Dre: Nice job getting back to your roots with "Dre 2001." The Lama was very pleased. And adding Eminem and Eddie Griffin was a beautiful touch, brother.)
Anyway, we are talking about jinxes today because the weekly bible of bibles -- the corporate monolith also known as Sports Illustrated -- has decided to make our Boston Red Sox their "pick du jour" for the 2000 baseball season, which has everyone in Boston scurrying and running for cover as if you and I were watching a Japanese movie together and the fams were Japanese people and the SI cover was Godzilla. To this, the Lama says, "Why would you mess up a perfect spring training! Can't you let the Lama enjoy some positive karma, for once?"
Now... I do not know if I am the correct person to analyze jinxes, but I am almost positive that I heard someone tell me once that Sports Illustrated has a way with sports teams like Bobby Brady's tiki had a way with the Brady family in Hawaii, and I guess I am trying to say that I am hoping that Pedro Martinez doesn't get into a surfing accident or a tatarntula does not crawl down the back of Nomar Garciaparra's uniform, because that would be stranger than fiction, if you get my drift.
OPENING SEGMENT FROM BOB LOBEL'S "SPORTS FINAL" TV SHOW, SUNDAY NIGHT 3/27
(We see Lobel in a forum with Steve Burton, Upton Bell and Bob Ryan.)
-LOBEL: All right, the big story ... the SI Jinx! ... Sports Illustrated has picked ... THE RED SOX ... to win the World Series this year. Guys, what do we think?
-RYAN: Well, I think we would all agree that the panic around this region is-is-is an embarrassment and reflects badly on what everyone around here would agree is a t-t-t-terrific, terrific sports town and the whole thing makes me sick and I can't stand when everyone gets bent out of shape like this and I need to t-take a breath before I pass out.
-LOBEL: Upton, you've been a member of the local media here for over 50 years, and your toupee has been around even longer than that... do you believe in jinxes?
-BELL: Funny story, Bob... in 1972, when I was GM of the Pats, we took a wide receiver by the name of Phil McCracken in the 11th round of the draft, and he was actually killed by a voodoo cult that summer. Four months later, I was fired. And I haven't held a real job since. So, yes, I believe in jinxes.
-STEVE: Come on! That's just ridiculous! That's just ridiculous! Come on!
-BELL: What?
-STEVE: This whole jinx thing! It's ridiculous! I don't buy it at all! Don't come around here hawking that stuff to me because I'm not buying!
-LOBEL: Why not, Steve?
-STEVE: Look, if-if Boston Magazine put me on the cover and picked me to win the, uh, World Series of Sports Broadcasting this year, does that mean I would start screwing up on the air?? Come on guys!!!!!! Jeez! Really!
-LOBEL: Well, that would never happen, for two reasons: 1) There IS no World Series of Broadcasting, and 2) If there was a World Series of Broadcasting, you'd lose a seven game series to George Smith in the first round.
-STEVE: Now, I resent that! I just resent that! You asked me to come on here and start screaming at everyone so people would take me a little more seriously and I did that for you!!!!
-LOBEL: Steve, just shut up.
-STEVE: Okay. Sorry.
-RYAN: I can't believe I'm agreeing with such a moron, but I think Steve's right. Everyone around here IS getting too carried away... it's just a magazine cover, that's it. Look, part of the problem here is that everyone gets too wrapped up in curses and jinxes and overlooks the most important factor -- wins and losses. And if this team is winning in October, everyone will forget about the fact that Sports Illustrated stuck them on the cover.
-STEVE: But what if they're LOSING in October? Huh? What then? And what if they keep losing well into November and December? What then?
-RYAN: November and December? (turning to Lobel) Where did you find this guy?
-UPTON: If any team COULD lose in November and December, it's the Red Sox.
-STEVE: Aw, come on! Come on!
-RYAN: All we're doing is catering to what Sports Illustrated wanted when they chose the Sox this week -- they knew everyone here would go into a tizzy. And they knew the media would beat this thing into the ground. And that's exactly what happened. By the way, we're getting paid in cash tonight for our appearance, right? No checks. That WAS the agreement, right?
-BOB: Interesting debate... we'll be back after this as we tackle the one-month anniversary of the McSorley incident. Don't go away.
**END**
