Dec. 7, 1997 - The Fox Manifesto

This isn't winning a Pulitzer, but I thought it was weird/funny/nostalgic to re-read it 11 years later so I had to re-post it ... even though I'm only 45% sure that I actually wrote it. It just reads like nothing I'd write now. Especially all the exclamation points that passed as jokes. By the way, I still think "Whore Lawyer" would work. It's a great effing title and Laura Leighton would have been perfect. I also liked the Ross/Charlie show and the Magnum show. And the Dylan show. And the very last show on the list. I'd watch all five of those shows.

--BILL SIMMONS

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THE FOX MANIFESTO
If I was in charge of the Fox Network, here are the shows I'd create to bring Fox to prime time glory

I hate modern television. The fact the people watch Friends every week makes me want to mutilate myself. I watch four shows regularly - Larry Sanders (my favorite modern show) and the three big Fox shows (90210, Melrose Place and Party of Five). That's it. I'm not sure why I like the Fox shows; they kinda grew on me over the years, like a bacterial infection. Other than that, I just watch movies, sports and the Spice Channel. What else do you need?

Anyway, I think television could be saved with a guy like me in charge. That's why I'm releasing "The Fox Manifesto," a treatise on what I would do if I was in charge of programming at the Fox Network.

Before I begin, I just want to say that I'd keep Wednesday nights the same (90210 and PO5) and keep Melrose on Monday nights, although I'd move it to 10:00 and emphasize more nudity. Sunday night's mainstay shows (X-Files, Simpsons, King of the Hill) can all stay even though I don't watch any of them. I'd also steal Mad About You from NBC and then have Paul and Jamie have a domestic dispute which leads to a double homicide and the cancellation of the show.

One last thing...

This Ally McBeal... ummm...

How do I put this?

Okay, here we go...

I can't believe there's a show right now with a lead character who possesses every single unattractive quality of any person I've ever dated. She's an amalgam of every reason I ever broke up with someone. Ally's just a nightmare. The fact that women rally behind her show and her character just reinforces the fact that I might actually die single.

DAVID LYNCH'S PERMANENT HANGOVER
In the newest effort from the disturbing producer of "Twin Peaks," Luke Perry reprises his role as Dylan McKay from "90210." One catch - he's lost all his money and he's drinking again. Dylan sleeps with bimbos, he does drugs, he's drunk all the time and he's really vicious to his friends (especially when they try to "intervene"). Come on, face it - "90210" was never better than when Dylan went on that drinking binge and started sleeping with Valerie. Of course they had to screw it up by having Dylan almost die and then go cold turkey (man, TV ruins everything when it tries to have redeeming value).

(Come on! It's just TV! Why can't Dylan just hang out at bars all the time and be drunk? Weekly plots would revolve around issues like "Dylan may have used a dirty needle" or "Dylan loses his penicillin prescription." Every crisis would be neatly resolved. And that's it! I'd watch every week.)

AMERICA'S FUNNIEST CONVENIENCE STORE MURDERS
Real-life deaths captured on video, culled from various Store 24's, 7-11's and gas stations all around the country. Hosted by comedian Carrot Top.

WHORE LAWYER
Steven Bochco produces this New York-based drama starring Laura Leighton as Patricia McGee, a high-powered divorce attorney by day and a Greenwich Village hooker by night. This will be part of Fox's brand-new All-Whore Tuesday, which will feature shows like "Buffy the Vampire Whore," "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Whore," and "Sabrina, the Teenage Whore."

****By the way, the Olsen twins from "Full House" will play Sabrina and Buffy. Come on... we all know those two are ending up on the cover of "Playboy" four years from now. We're just giving them a head start.

BOOGIE NIGHTS: THE TV SERIES
Paul Thomas Anderson's epic film about 70's porn moves to the small screen.

DHARMA AND ELLEN
We steal ABC's hottest shows and throw them together, as Ellen (Ellen DeGeneris) woos over Dharma (Jenna Elfman) and the sparks fly.

"TORI YOU'RE SO @%$*&# UGLY!!!"
In this real-life weekly documentary, Fox takes its cameras inside various colleges and records girls watching "Beverly Hills 90210" and making catty comments about Tori Spelling's hair, clothes and fake breasts. No laugh track needed. Don't miss Episode Three, entitled, "What color is her hair today, mud-red?"

THE ANTI-GUYS
Ross from "Friends" moves to San Francisco, where he immediately moves in with Charlie from "Party of Five." The two roommates become buddies and drink wine and have really sensitive life talks, and they don't mind crying in front of one another. They can't find a good woman because they've been hurt, dammit! They never watch sports, they never drink beer, and they never hook up with random women. Sometimes they sob themselves to sleep because they're so lonely. Also, look for two key supporting players: Nathan Lane (as the understanding neighbor downstairs, Victor) and Heather Graham (as Lisa, the saucy neighbor across the hall who toys with Charlie and Ross every week and hurts their feelings).

(Note: This show would set a Fox rating record because EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA will watch it. It doesn't matter if Nielsen registers zero male viewers per week for the "Anti-Guys." Women love to see sensitive, emasculated men that just want to be loved. Of course, these guys don't exist in the real world because they would have been killed in recess in the fifth grade, but that's not the point.)

THE MARV ALBERT SHOW
Each week Marv interviews various pseudo-celebrities still trying to parlay their 15 minutes of fame into a lucrative career, then has sex with them. Guests include Kato Kaelin, Jessica Hahn, Tammy Faye Baker, the Menendez brothers, Gennifer Flowers, all of the Simpson Trial jurors, Donna Rice and judge Lance Ito.

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR OLD MAN
Lee Majors is back as Steve Austin, the world's first original bionic man and the FBI's most dangerous weapon... only now he's in his 60's and he has a bionic toupee and a bionic prostate. Don't miss the incredible men's bathroom scene in the pilot episode!

WHO'S THE GAY BOSS?
In this remake of the popular 80's show "Who's the Boss," Judith Light's son on the show - a now-grown-up Danny Pintauro (who recently came out of the closet) - plays the Tony Danza character and Harvey Fierstein plays Light's role. Also, expect frequent cameos from Danza himself, who's available for work.

MEEGO MUST DIE
Bronson Pinchot stars as an alien male nanny and "Jerry Maguire's" Jonathan Lipinski is the rich child who loves him. The plot is loosely-based on the failed ABC sitcom "Meego," with one twist - at the end of each episode, Meego suffers a brutally violent death. Then in the next episode - almost like a cartoon character - Meego reappears... only to suffer another horrible death at show's end.

(Make sure you don't miss Episode Five ("Meego meets international terrorists") and Episode Ten ("Meego accidentally wears a Raiders hat in L.A. gang territory").)

MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO, THE SERIES
A sitcom based on the memorable Gus Van Sant movie about teenage male prostitutes, starring comedians Lenny Clarke, Louis K and Sinbad.

WHAT WERE WE THINKING???
A can't-miss sitcom hit! Shelley Long (as Diane Chambers from "Cheers"), Susan Dey (as the "LA Law" lawyer), David Caruso (as Johnny Kelly from "NYPD Blue"), Sherry Stringfield (as the E.R. doctor), Gabrielle Carteris (Andria from "90210") and Gary Burghoff (as Radar from "MASH") get to amend the biggest mistake of their lives - leaving the shows that made them famous. All five get to play their old characters in this ensemble show about a support group. Every show ends with Caruso somehow showing off his exposed rear end.

(Special guest? How about Michael Gross as the group's doctor! I always thought Gross was a comedic genius on "Family Ties." And he needs the work.)

MAGNUM DWI
Kelsey Grammar reprises Tom Selleck's old role as Thomas Magnum, the Hawaii detective... only this time, Magnum has drug and alcohol problems! I've got four words for you: "Hawaiian hookers & drinking binges!"

DO THEY OR DON'T THEY?
Potentially the most successful game show since "Jeopardy." Each week contestants meet a variety of Hollywood stars - Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Heather Locklear, Burt Reynolds, Charlton Heston, William Shatner, Tori Spelling, Marv Albert, Pamela Anderson, etc. - and try and decide one of two questions: Has their chest been surgically enhanced? And do they wear a toupee? There's one female guest and one male guest every episode, the contestants wager on various questions, and at the show's end we find out the real answer - "Do they or don't they?" Don't miss the special November sweeps episode when we find out what "Melrose Place's" Lisa Rinna does to her lips!

LOS ANGELES VICE
Athletes Michael Irvin, Latrell Sprewell, and Lawrence Phillips play athletes-turned cops, as they inexplicably beat the crap out of various hoodlums in the L.A. area every episode. Special guest star - OJ Simpson as their boss, LAPD sergeant Isaac Jackson!

SINGLE... WITH CHILDREN
Project still under development.

GRUMPY OLD BOYS
Ian Ziering (Steve on "90210") and Scott Wolf (Bailey on "Party of Five") star as college students in California who get teased by their fellow classmates because they look a good 15 years older than the roles they're supposed to be playing.

THE SHANNON TWEED SHOW
The buxom Cinemax star plays a sexual behavior doctor in this racy drama based on the plot of every late-night Cinemax erotic thriller from the past 15 years.

OUIJI BOARD
Playing off the paranormal success of "The X-Files" and "Milennium," this is a game show in which guest celebrities come into contact with other washed-up celebs who've been removed from the Actor's Guild Mailing List. Jamie Farr hosts.

(Note: This could be a "Love Boat for the 90's." Imagine all the potential stars - Joyce DeWitt, Gary Coleman, Erik Estrada, Larry Wilcox, Richard Moll, the entire cast of "thirtysomething," the Gold sisters... all desperately seeking a paycheck. Also if Charo's still alive, she could be a co-host.)

AMERICA'S MOST UNWANTED
Each week Dr. Joyce Brothers explores the lives of women in their mid-thirties who must cope with the statistical reality that they may never get married.

FOX'S ACTORS STUDIO, HOSTED BY ANDREW SHUE
The "Melrose Place" star hosts a weekly forum on method acting. Watch the fun as Shue tries to act out dramatic skits with serious actors like Robert DeNiro, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep.

TRACY AND ALEXA
Known as "T & A" for short, this stars Alyssa Milano ("Melrose Place") and Jennifer Love Hewitt ("Party of Five") as undercover cops in a Florida strip joint specializing in wet t-shirt contests. No illusions here. Go to work, girls! Let the ratings bonanza begin!

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