THE BOOK OF BASKETBALL PAGE
by Bill Simmons
** You can purchase the Book of Basketball's paperback at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or Random House. Because paperbacks tend to run longer than hardcovers, I tightened the hardcover by about 35 pages, then added additional material, new footnotes and fresh takes on LeBron, Howard, Kobe, Wade and Allen, and a revised Hall of Fame Pyramid. The hardcover was 706 pages; the paperback is 704 pages.
** The Book of Basketball's multimedia interactive guide is up and running. Created by Austin Bell, this index allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in TBOB (with the links corresponding to the paperback's pages). Many thanks to Austin for his hard work getting the guide going. If we're missing any links that you like, or if one of the links is dead, e-mail Austin at bookofbasketball@gmail.com.
** An artist named John Alexander created an oil canvas painting of the top-50 players in my Hall of Fame Pyramid. Still trying to figure out how to make it for sale.
** The Book of Basketball reached No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list for nonfiction hardcover books for the week of November 15, 2009.
** Now I Can Die In Peace (my first book, about following the Red Sox from a fan's perspective through the 2004 World Series) was re-released in paperback with eight new pieces from 2005 to 2008. You can find it on Amazon.com.
The Book Of Basketball
Update: 12/14/10
** As promised, The Book of Basketball's multimedia interactive guide is up and running. Created by Austin Bell, this index allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in TBOB (with the links corresponding to the paperback's pages). Many thanks to Austin for his hard work getting the guide going. If we're missing any links that you like, or if one of the links is dead, e-mail Austin at bookofbasketball@gmail.com.
** You can find TBOB's paperback in stores or online (Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or Random House with new material, more footnotes, fresh takes on Kobe/LeBron/Wade/Howard/Allen, a revised Hall of Fame Pyramid (biggest winner: Dwyane Wade) and even two new What Ifs.
** People keep asking if the paperback is dramatically different than the hardcover. The answer: no. But if I left it alone, because paperbacks run longer than hardcovers, it would have come in around 740 pages (a ridiculous length for a book that was already too long). So I re-tightened the prose as much as I could, shortened a few Pyramid and "How the Hell" entries, chopped as many extraneous jokes/footnotes as I could find, dumped LeBron's section and most of Kobe's section, dumped two What Ifs, then added the additional material (including the Kobe/LeBron rewrites) and footnotes (50-55 in all). The hardcover was 704 pages; the paperback was 706. So... mission accomplished. I never understood the concept of releasing a paperback that's exactly like the hardcover, anyway. If I had time to improve it and reinvent it a little (especially a book about a league that changes so much from season to season), why not spend the time?
** Thanks so much to everyone who showed up for the signings in New York, Washington, San Francisco and Dallas. Everyone couldn't have been nicer. I signed a few extras at every stop -- NYC Borders (Penn Plaza), DC Borders (18th St), SF Borders (Stonestown Galleria) and Dallas (Preston Road) -- for anyone else who wants a signed book.
** We had an artist named John Alexander create an oil canvas painting of the top-50 players in my Hall of Fame Pyramid. (It's incredible. Still figuring out how to make it available for purchase.) The painting will appear on our NBA Countdown set for a few weeks, then move to cushy digs on campus at Bristol for the rest of eternity... or at least until I get fired in a few years and they quietly take it down.
** Last note: In the TBOB prologue, I wrote about a Boston Herald-American photographer taking a picture of me standing on the Celtics bench looking up at John Havlicek (April, 1976, during the Celts-Braves playoff series, when Havlicek was recovering from a foot injury), then the paper running that photo on the front page of their sports section. This was the picture.
THE BOOK OF BASKETBALL
Nov. 10, 2010 Update
We're releasing TBOB in paperback on December 7th. Here's the Amazon.com link (if you want to preorder it).
I spent eight weeks working on it: chopping thirty pages of fat, fixing every factual error, then filling the extra space with new material and sixty-plus new footnotes. I added two new "What Ifs?" I updated the Hall of Fame Pyramid, changing a few rankings (biggest winner: Dwyane Wade) and rewriting the Kobe, LeBron, Wade and Howard sections. Same number of pages, better book. And our upcoming virtual guide allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in the paperback with one exception: Greg Oden's dong. So stay tuned for the paperback and the virtual guide (details and links to come), and thanks to everyone who alerted us to any factual errors that needed to be fixed. You were a great help.
--BILL
Nov. 10, 2010 Update
We're releasing TBOB in paperback on December 7th. Here's the Amazon.com link (if you want to preorder it).
I spent eight weeks working on it: chopping thirty pages of fat, fixing every factual error, then filling the extra space with new material and sixty-plus new footnotes. I added two new "What Ifs?" I updated the Hall of Fame Pyramid, changing a few rankings (biggest winner: Dwyane Wade) and rewriting the Kobe, LeBron, Wade and Howard sections. Same number of pages, better book. And our upcoming virtual guide allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in the paperback with one exception: Greg Oden's dong. So stay tuned for the paperback and the virtual guide (details and links to come), and thanks to everyone who alerted us to any factual errors that needed to be fixed. You were a great help.
--BILL
THE BOOK OF BASKETBALL
by Bill Simmons
** You can purchase the Book of Basketball's paperback at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or Random House. Because paperbacks tend to run longer than hardcovers, I tightened the hardcover by about 35 pages, then added additional material, new footnotes and fresh takes on LeBron, Howard, Kobe, Wade and Allen, and a revised Hall of Fame Pyramid. The hardcover was 706 pages; the paperback is 704 pages.
** The Book of Basketball's multimedia interactive guide is up and running. Created by Austin Bell, this index allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in TBOB (with the links corresponding to the paperback's pages). Many thanks to Austin for his hard work getting the guide going. If we're missing any links that you like, or if one of the links is dead, e-mail Austin at bookofbasketball@gmail.com.
** An artist named John Alexander created an oil canvas painting of the top-50 players in my Hall of Fame Pyramid. Still trying to figure out how to make it for sale.
** The Book of Basketball reached No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list for nonfiction hardcover books for the week of November 15, 2009.
** Now I Can Die In Peace (my first book, about following the Red Sox from a fan's perspective through the 2004 World Series) was re-released in paperback with eight new pieces from 2005 to 2008. You can find it on Amazon.com.
by Bill Simmons
** You can purchase the Book of Basketball's paperback at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or Random House. Because paperbacks tend to run longer than hardcovers, I tightened the hardcover by about 35 pages, then added additional material, new footnotes and fresh takes on LeBron, Howard, Kobe, Wade and Allen, and a revised Hall of Fame Pyramid. The hardcover was 706 pages; the paperback is 704 pages.
** The Book of Basketball's multimedia interactive guide is up and running. Created by Austin Bell, this index allows you to follow up on any magazine articles, games, plays, You Tube clips or anecdotes mentioned in TBOB (with the links corresponding to the paperback's pages). Many thanks to Austin for his hard work getting the guide going. If we're missing any links that you like, or if one of the links is dead, e-mail Austin at bookofbasketball@gmail.com.
** An artist named John Alexander created an oil canvas painting of the top-50 players in my Hall of Fame Pyramid. Still trying to figure out how to make it for sale.
** The Book of Basketball reached No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list for nonfiction hardcover books for the week of November 15, 2009.
** Now I Can Die In Peace (my first book, about following the Red Sox from a fan's perspective through the 2004 World Series) was re-released in paperback with eight new pieces from 2005 to 2008. You can find it on Amazon.com.
THE BOOK OF BASKETBALL PAGE
by Bill Simmons (Updated 12/5)
You can order The Book of Basketball online or get it at any book store, Costco and Walmart. For online retailers, click here: http://bit.ly/2rSbHk
The best price right now: Amazon.com for just $12 (60% off).
If you find any typos or errors in The Book of Basketball, or if you want to send along any feedback, please e-mail us at bookofbasketball@aol.com.
Obviously in a book of 700-plus pages that was researched and fact-checked during a whirlwind span of about 2-3 months, I figured we would end up with a few errors of the "total brainfart" variety, as well as some research errors and maybe even answers to things that I admittedly couldn't figure out in the book. The over/under was 50. Well, we hit the over. The majority of errors happen in the last 250 pages, when we were speed-rushing the book to meet a printing deadline. The other problem I didn't anticipate: in certain cases, I was working off research (either a book or a magazine article) in which the information was originally wrong, then, I repeated the wrong information in my book.
My ultimate goal: I want the Book of Basketball to be impeccably researched and typo-free some time between now and 2079. I'd also like to expand this page into an interactive section that plays off material in the book - with magazine links, You Tube clips and other goodies - but just haven't had the time yet. Yes, I will be hiring a couple of interns to help me. Stay tuned.
Anyway, here is a complete list of fixes/errors/typos/afterthoughts - a work in progress - that was last updated on December 4th, 2009. Thanks so much to everyone who e-mailed us with a potential fix.
FACTUAL ERRORS
Page 41: Totally screwed up the details of the Sleepy Floyd Game. Which is sad because I wrote a whole column about it in 2004. The game happened in Round 2 (not Round 1), and he scored 29 points in the quarter (not 33). Other than that, I was dead-on.
Page 61: Bill Russell didn't join the Celtics until December (not January) because he played in the Melbourne Olympics (not because of military service).
Page 137: Seattle (not Phoenix) played the Lakers in the 1980 Western Conference Finals.
Page 165: The 1988-89 Georgetown Hoyas advanced to the Final 8 with Mutombo and Mourning (not just Round 2, as I wrote). Still, how can you not make the Final Four with that team at least???
Page 176: James Worthy left UNC after his junior year (not his senior year).
Page 236: Darryl Dawkins didn't break his first backboard until the 1979-80 season. I thought it was 1977-78 and was so sure that I didn't even look it up.
Page 309: Artis Gilmore was the '75 ABA MVP and Playoffs MVP (not '72). Also, the Colonels never played in the '72 Finals, so Artis was only the best player on one champ.
Page 363: Dominique was robbed in the 1988 Slam Dunk Contest in Chicago (MJ won), not 1987 (he was injured). I knew all of these things and have no idea how this ended up wrong in my book.
Page 435: KC Jones missed 2 NBA seasons because of military service (not Sam Jones). Sam didn't reach the NBA until 24, as I wrote, but it happened because he graduated from college at 24 for reasons unknown.
Page 508: The 1990 Sixers won 53 games (not 49).
Page 639: I wrote that the 2000 Lakers went 11-8 in the playoffs before sweeping the last four Philly games. Got the 2000 and 2001 Finals mixed up. Actually, they started out 11-6, then beat Indiana 4-2.
Page 647: I wrote that the '84 Nets stormed back from a 2-0 deficit to win Round One (including Game 5 in Philly). Actually, Jersey won the first two in Philly; Philly won the next two in Jersey; then Jersey won Game 5 in Philly. No home team ever won a game.
Page 650, FN 43: The thesis was correct - that Kobe started going for his own stats for the first time, averaging a career-high 28.5 PPG and attempting 398 FG's and 128 FT's in December alone (16 games, 32.3 PPG), and that Phil Jackson detailed in the "Lost Season" about how he battled with Kobe to be more unselfish for the first time. But Kobe's scoring streak of nine straight 40-plus games happened during the 2002-03 season (not 2000-01, as I wrote).
Page 660: For 1995-96, the NBA expanded to Vancouver and Toronto (not Minnesota).
SUPER NITPICKY FACTUAL ERRORS
Page 170: Derek Fisher's buzzer-beating miracle shot that killed the 2004 Spurs was a two (not a three). I knew this. Crap.
Page 385: Should I have included Andrei Kirilenko on the "White Guys Who Played Like Black Guys" Team? He's a Euro. Tough call. I'm on the fence. Need to think about it more.
Page 415: I wrote that Nash, Dirk and Bird were the only living members of 50-40-90 club. Technically, Jose Calderon also did it in 2007-08, although he didn't shoot enough FT's to qualify for the FT title.
Page 479: In the famous "Pippen Self-Benching" game, Toni Kukoc swished the game winner (and didn't bank it).
Page 564: Adrian Smith was white, not black. The good news? He just belatedly made the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars!
BRAINFARTS
Page 109: For the White Guy Records, technically, I shouldn't have counted Dirk Nowitzki as a co-record holder for steals since he's a Euro.
Page 124: Two mistakes in the same paragraph: Jaws was released in 1975, and Randy "Pink" Floyd's class didn't graduate until 1977 (although they became seniors in the summer of '76). Without "Jaws," I'm not sure I can give that summer "Greatest Summer Ever" status. Need to rethink it.
Page 162: Rick Barry attended the University of Miami (not the University of San Francisco). Sadly, I knew this and have always known this. Why did I write "University of San Francisco?" I don't know.
Page 269: Ray Kinsella and Terence Mann drove in a VW Bus (not VW Bug). Only one of my 10 favorite movies. And I knew it was a Volkswagen bus. Crap.
Page 271 (FN 19): I wrote that the Luxor had become Planet Hollywood, but actually, Aladdin did. What's weird is that, yes, I knew this. I guess when you're writing a 700-page book, you suffer some rare form of temporary brain damage that only manifests itself in short 10-second bursts.
Page 630: I cannot for the life of me explain how "that's a bigger upgrade than Ashton Kutcher going from January Jones to Brittany Murphy" ended up in this book. It's inexplicable. My only explanation could be that I meant to write "...from Brittany Murphy to Demi Moore" but my brain was fried and all hell broke loose. I am perplexed.
Page 690 (FN 4): Rick & Jon Barry are listed as one of the father-son duos who won a title. Actually, it was Rick & Brent Barry. And I knew this. But you know who noticed this mistake and had Ric Bucher e-mail me about it? BRENT BARRY! Now that's embarrassing. Sorry, Brent. He'd also like to remind everyone that his brother, Jon, never won a ring.
Page 701: Ken Dryden's incredible book "The Game" is mistakenly listed as "The Season," even though I quoted from it extensively in "The Secret" chapter. I am an idiot.
FOLLOWUPS
Page 152 (FN 115): I mentioned how they cancelled the Old Timers Game one year after someone blew out his ACL, but I couldn't remember the player. The player? Norm Nixon. And actually, David Thompson also injured a knee in the same game.
Page 171: For the No. 25 "What If," a few readers reminded me that Orlando was trying to get T-Mac, Duncan AND Grant Hill (and would have happily settled for 2 of the 3).
Page 605 (FN 95): I wonder where the saying "get out of Dodge" came from. Apparently the saying started in the late-1800's in Dodge City, Kansas, a city that had a ton of crime at the time.
LAYOUT MISTAKES
Page 183: The Webber/Warriors parentheses should redirect you to Page 382 (not 182).
Page 228: Kareem's 1972 MVP season and McAdoo's 1975 MVP season should be bolded.
Pages 312-314: Had Joe Dumars ranked No. 74 and Sidney Moncrief ranked No. 73, but in the text of their section, I mention them being #75 and #74.
Page 437: There's no edge for "Head Case Potential." Should say, "EDGE: GERVIN."
WORDING FIXES
Page 35: “I’d rather be playing blackjack and drinking vodka lemonades THAN figuring out how...” (not "then")
Page 54 (FN 35): "Because they sold the shit OUT of their opponents" ("out" was mistakenly omitted).
Page 58: "...many of the dense jurors couldn’t UNDERSTAND the damaging...” (not "understood").
Page 128: Should say "only one team WON LESS than 28" (not more than 28). And technically, I could have gone higher. Every 1976-77 team won 30-plus games except for the Nets.
Page 143: Should say DON Murdoch (not Dave).
Page 152: "...if someone ever WRITES O'Brien's autobiography..." (not "write's).
Page 271: "We spent the rest of OUR ride figuring out..." (not "out").
Page 281: Neil Johnston played on the title-winning Philadelphia WARRIORS (not Sixers).
Page 311: Should say T-Mac "never won a PLAYOFF SERIES" (not "playoffs").
Page 420 (FN 111): "Pau Gasol not helping ON Ray Allen..." ("on" was missing).
Page 461: Should say "fourteen HEALTHY years from Robinson..." (not "quality").
Page 482 - "...If Bird was BLACK, he'd be just another good player" (not white)
Page 543: Should say "MADE a bet with the other warden" (not "met a bet").
Page 546 (FN 7): Should say "don't try to BLOCK this" (not "dunk").
Page 604: "The list: Game 7, 1957 DOUBLE OT" (not "triple")
Page 617: Should say "...guys like Wade, Kobe and LeBron compared to him..." (not "Wade, Jordan and LeBron").
Page 619: "The drinks KEEP coming" (not "keeps")
Page 631 (FN 15): "GREGG Popovich" (not "Greg")
Page 672: "In the fourth quarter OF three of four..." (not "or").
TYPOS
Page 63: Should say '63 Warriors (not '63 Sixers).
Page 103: Neal Walk's name spelled two different ways. Should be "Neal."
Page 112 (FN 50): "Harold Porter" should say Howard Porter. My manuscript had "Howard," not sure why it was changed.
Page 124: The dick-swinging ABA lawyer was named "Fred Furth" (not Fred Fruth). My least favorite typo in the book especially since I got the story from "Loose Balls," which spelled his name correctly.
Page 165: Should say Georgetown Hoyas (not "Hoys") obviously.
Page 178: Linas Kleiza (not "Linus").
Page 214: Portland's owner during the Walton Era was Larry Weinberg (not "Weisberg"). Especially embarrassing since I've read "Breaks of the Game" 6500 times and didn't catch the typo.
Page 230: McAdoo's 1975 MVP season was mistakenly omitted from the 17 seasons we would be examining.
Page 269: Should say "Otsego, New York" (not Oswego).
Page 342: In the Allen/Jumbotron section, it should say Game 5 of the 2008 Finals (not 2000 Finals).
Page 450 (FN 42): I mention how well Willis Reed played against elite centers but accidentally call him "Wilt."
Page 463: On 2Pac's All Eyez on Me double disc, "All About U" is listed as "All About The U." I can't emphasize this strongly enough - that was changed AFTER I handed in my manuscript. Even on my most brainfarty day ever - hell, even after a head injury - I would not write "All About The U" for the title of that song.
Page 470: Should say that Stockton had 11 quality years (not 10).
Page 472: Should say Stockton had a 16-4-10 (not a 16-4-0).
Page 481. Isiah should be listed as the best player on 2 champs (1989, 1990) and one runner-up (1988). 1988 was mistakenly listed twice.
Page 484: Magic and Isiah kissed each other before every game of the '88 and '89 Finals (not '87 and '88). This is the funniest correction of all-time.
Page 495: LeBron played 14 games in the '09 playoffs (not 146, which would have been amazing).
Page 519 - Should say Kobe was "best player on runner up" in both '04 and '08 (not just '04).
Page 535 (FN 84): Should say "for his third DUI" (not "for his third").
Page 541: In Moses' resume, the '81 Playoffs are listed twice. The sequence should be the '81 Playoffs (27-15), then the '84 Playoffs (26-16).
Page 546: Shaq's career FG% was accidentally omitted (58%).
Page 563: Should say Jason Terry (not "Tarry").
Page 582: For the list of Legend's Club guys, Bird's 1985 season added up to 29 (not 27).
Page 587 & 598: Magic's stats for Game 6 of the 1980 Finals are listed 2 different ways. Page 598 was correct: 42-15-7.
Page 594: Kareem is mistakenly spelled "Kareen" in one spot.
Page 609: Says "Drexler's Pistons" when it obviously should say "Drexler's Blazers." It's astounding how many Portland fans were pissed off about this. Come on. Like I didn't know Drexler played for the Blazers.
Page 636: "number one 1 silver anniversary choice" ("1" should be omitted).
Page 643: '91 Bulls averaged 103.9 PPG in the playoffs (not 109.9)
Page 645-646: The '83 Sixers lost to New Jersey in Round One of the '84 Playoffs (not Philly).
Page 674: "Wine connoisseur" is spelled 2 different ways.
Page 680: "The best Jordan imitiation yet" should say "imitation."
Page 694: "Colonoscopy" (not "colonscopy").
Page 702: www.basketball-reference.com was accidentally omitted from the acknowledgements.
**END**
SMRL Constitution
Preamble
We, the People of the SMRL, do ordain and establish this Constitution for Rotisserie League Baseball. The purpose of this Constitution is to memorialize the great oral tradition of the SMRL and to set forth the rules of the game. This Constitution is a living document, and while it is the intent of the framers of this Constitution to address herein as many issues as possible that may arise in connection with participation in the SMRL, the framers recognize that this Constitution may not address every issue that may arise. Accordingly, the People of the SMRL pledge to play and participate in this game in accordance with the rules set forth herein, but more importantly pledge to follow the overriding spirit of this game, which is to enjoy yourself, to treat all fellow participants with respect and to play with the health of the SMRL, and not just one’s self interest, in mind.
ARTICLE I. OBJECT
To assemble a lineup of 24 Amercan League baseball players whose cumulative statistics during the regular season, compiled and measured by the methods described in these rules, exceed those of all other teams in the League.
ARTICLE II. TEAMS
There are 10 teams in a duly constituted SMRL composed of Amercan League players.
ARTICLE III. ROSTER
ACTIVE ROSTER: A team’s active roster must consist of the following 24 Amercan League players:
Two catchers, one first baseman, one second baseman, one shortstop, one third baseman, one middle infielder (either second baseman or shortstop), one corner man (either first baseman or third baseman), five outfielders, one DH (who may play any position), and ten pitchers. At all times during the season a team must maintain 24 man rosters.
· American League exception: Any American League player who is on an SMRL active or reserve roster and who during the course of the major league baseball season is traded to the National League remains an eligible player in the SMRL for that season only. At the end of the season, that player is LOST by the owning team, regardless of whether he is traded or signed back by an AL team during the offseason.
RESERVE ROSTER: A team’s reserve roster consists of a maximum of 14 major league or minor league players acquired through the auction or reserve draft (see Article IV), through trades, through demotions from the active roster or through free agent claims. Any transaction (e.g., trade, demotion, free agent claim) that increases the size of the reserve roster beyond 14 players must be accompanied by a concomitant transaction (e.g., trade, promotion, release) that simultaneously returns the reserve roster to its maximum 14.
FARM ELIGIBILITY: Any minor league player who still has major league “rookie” status (as defined by Major League Baseball) may be considered a “farm” player on a SMRL Reserve roster, if the player was originally drafted as a minor leaguer in the minor league portion of our draft.
ARTICLE IV. AUCTION DRAFT
An Amercan League Player Auction is conducted on the first weekend after/before Opening Day of the Major League baseball season (the “Auction Draft”). Attendance at the Auction Draft (in person or via telephone) is mandatory for participation in the SMRL.
Each team must acquire 24 players during the Auction Draft. Each team is annually allocated 260 SMRL Auction Units (hereinafter referred to at times as “Dollars” or “$”) to acquire these 24 players. (The total amount of SMRL Auction Units that a team has available to acquire its 24 players during the Auction Draft shall be referred to hereafter as the team’s “Auction Budget.”)
A team need not spend its entire Auction Budget during the Auction Draft. Last years last place team will nominate the first player for acquisition. We go CLOCKWISE for nominations theretofore. The team bidding first opens with a minimum salary bid of $1 for any eligible player, and the bidding proceeds around the room at minimum increments of $1 until only one bidder is left. That team acquires the player for that amount and announces the roster position the player will fill. The process is repeated, with successive team owners introducing players to be bid on, until every team has a squad of 24 players, by requisite position.
Players eligible at more than one position may be shifted during the course of the Auction Draft.
No team may make a bid for a player it cannot afford. For example, a team with $3 left and two openings on its roster is limited to a maximum bid of $2 for one player.
No team may bid for a player who qualifies only at a position that the team has already filled. For example, a team that has acquired two catchers, and whose utility slot is occupied, may not enter the bidding for any player who qualifies only at catcher. (See Article V regarding position eligibility.)
Players who commence the season on a major league team’s disabled list are eligible to be drafted. If selected, they may be reserved and replaced upon completion of the Reserve Draft. (See Article X.).
EXCEPTION: Disabled list players that retain MLB “rookie” status are ineligible for the Auction Draft and Reserve draft .
Only players on a teams active roster at the time of draft (See DL exception above) are eligible to be drafted in the Auction Draft and Reserve Draft. For early auctions, where the active rosters are not finalized, “bubble” players will be discussed and judged eligible or not prior to the draft.
Players acquired during the auction draft shall acquire “s2” contract status, meaning that they may be kept for that season and the next (if desired) at the salary determined during the auction draft. If a player is kept the following season at the same contract price, his contract status becomes “s1.” At the conclusion of the season in which the player is an s1, the player must be tendered a “Guaranteed Long Term Contract” (see Article XV) or be released to the next year’s auction draft.
RESERVE DRAFT: After the conclusion of the Auction Draft in which teams acquire their 24-man active rosters for a sum not to exceed the team’s Auction Budget, owners successively draft up to 5 additional players in 5 separate rounds of selection. Players acquired in this fashion comprise a team’s reserve roster.
Any Amercan League player on an Major league active roster (DL included) is eligible for this reserve rotation draft.
“Rookies” selected in the reserve draft are treated as RESERVE players and not FARM Players for purposes of roster management
In the reserve draft, owners are not required to select players by position. They may select all pitchers, all position players, or a mix.
The order of selection for each of the 5 rounds is determined by the order of finish in the previous season. 1st place picks first, 2nd place picks 2nd etc… Teams may not exceed the 14 player maximum reserve roster limit at any time during the 5 rounds
Players selected in the reserve phase of the draft will have a salary of $5 S2
MINOR LEAGUE DRAFT: After the conclusion of the Reserve Draft, the Minor league draft commences. The minor league draft consists of two rounds (and a supplemental 3rd round for expansion and the 4th-6th place finishers in the draft) in which teams acquire farm players.
Any Amercan League player NOT on a major league roster that retains his MLB rookie eligibility (as defined by MLB) is eligible for the minor league draft
The order of selection for each of the 2 rounds is determined as follows based on the previous seasons final standings: Round 1: In leagues with 10 teams, the 2nd place team selects first, proceeding in descending order to the 10th place team, followed by the 1st teams. Round 2: Teams draft in descending order from 10th to 1st place
Players drafted in the Minor League Draft are Designated as FARM players for purposes of roster management
Teams may not exceed the 14 player maximum reserve roster limit at any time during the 2 rounds of the minor league draft
ARTICLE V. POSITION ELIGIBILITY
Any player who played in a minimum of 20 games in the preceding season may be assigned to any position at which he appeared in 10% or more of the games he played in that season. If a player did not appear in 20 games in the preceding season, he may be drafted only at the position at which he appeared most frequently. The 10% - most games measure is used only to determine the position(s) at which a player may be drafted. Once the season is under way (but after Auction Draft Day), a player becomes eligible for assignment to any position at which he has appeared at least once. Players selected for the utility slot may qualify at any position.
NOTE: SMRL uses two sources for determining player eligibility: the All Star Stats website and the MLB.com website. In addition, players whom it is commonly known have changed positions during the offseason will also be eligible at the new position that it is anticipated they will play. Determination of eligibility at a changed position will be determined by League consensus at the auction draft. When in doubt, common sense shall be used to resolve position disputes.
ARTICLE VI. FEES
SMRL has a schedule of fees as follows:
Statistics service: Actual cost
Annual Dues: $250 which includes the cost of the stat service (currently ALLSTAR stats)
All fees are to be paid by the conclusion of the Auction Draft. If said fees are not paid by that date, the roster of the team owing the fees shall be frozen (no roster moves or transactions will be permitted) until the time that said fees are paid. No money shall pass directly from team to team under any circumstances. No bets are to be made on the outcome of any game. All annual dues are payable into the prize pool and are subsequently distributed to the top four teams in the final standings. (See Articles VIII and IX.)
ARTICLE VII. PLAYER SALARIES
The salary of a player is determined by the time and means of his acquisition and does not change unless the player becomes a free agent by means of release or is signed to a guaranteed long-term contract. (See Article XV.)
The salary of a player acquired in the American League auction draft is his auction price.
The salary of a player acquired in the reserve draft is $5.
The salary of a player acquired in the minor league draft is $0, until that FARM player is activated by the SMRL team or loses his MLB “Rookie” status at which time it is $5.
Minor League Salary change: Players acquired in the minor league draft that retain their MLB “Rookie” status and are traded have their salary increase to $6 upon completion of the trade.
The salary of a player acquired during the season as a free agent is the amount of Free Agent Acquisition Budget (FAAB) units paid to acquire the player. (See Article XIII.) If the player is acquired before the major league All Star break, the player’s contract status shall be s2, and at the end of the season the player will be treated identically to other players with s2 contract status. If the player is acquired after the All Star break, however, the player’s contract status shall be s3, and at the end of the season the player’s contract status will revert to s2 for the beginning of the next major league season if the player is protected on a team’s pre-draft auction freeze list. (See Article XVI.)
· FREE AGENT EXCEPTION FOR PLAYERS WITH L1 CONTRACTS OR SALARIES OF $15 OR MORE: There are additional restrictions on re-signing certain players who become free-agents during a given SMRL season (certain players who are cut during the season after the auction draft). Players with L1 contracts OR salaries of 15 units or more (regardless of contract status) will keep their original contracts if they are cut and then re-signed through the free agent auction process. For example, if a team cuts a player with a 25/S2 contract, and you acquire him by bidding 15 in the free agent auction, his contract will remain 25/S2 on your roster. Similarly, any L1 player who is cut and then added via the free agent auction retains his L1 contract status, regardless of his salary figure.
SALARY CAP: The Auction Budget salary limit pertains to the acquisition of players at the Auction Draft only. After the Auction Draft, free agent signings and acquisition of high-priced players in trades may well drive a team’s payroll above its Auction Budget. There is no limit as to the amount of salary a team may acquire on its entire roster (consisting of its active and reserve players). However, at no time during the season may the combined salary of the players on a team’s active roster ever exceed $325 units. This is a “hard cap” that remains in place until the first Thursday in August (the trading deadline). The cap is raised to $350 units as part of the September Roster expansion. Any team exceeding the salary cap after the transaction deadline for a given week (Thursday – see Article X) will forfeit the statistics accumulated by its highest salaried player during that week, assuming the removal of the salary of this player brings the team’s active roster salary below the salary cap. If it does not, the statistics of the next highest salaried player will be removed as well, and so on, until such time that the team’s combined active roster salary is below the salary cap.
ARTICLE VIII. PRIZE MONEY
The prize pool shall be divided among the first four teams in the final SMRL standings as follows:
1st place -- 60%
2nd place -- 35%
3rd place -- 15%
ARTICLE IX. STANDINGS
The following criteria are used to determine team performance:
On Base % (OPB)
Total home runs (HR)
Total runs batted in (RBI)
Total runs scored (R)
Total stolen bases less times caught stealing (SB-CS)
Total 2 times wins less losses (2W-L)
Total saves (S)
Composite earned run average (ERA)
Composite ratio: walks (BB) + hits (H) / innings pitched (IP) (WHIP)
Total strikeouts (K)
Teams are ranked from first to last in each of the ten categories and given points for each place. For example, in a 12-team league, the first-place team in a category receives 12 points, the second-place team 11, and so on down to 1 point for last place. The team with the most total points wins the pennant.
Pitchers’ offensive stats are not counted, nor are the pitching stats of the occasional position player called in to pitch when the score is 16-1 after five innings and the relief corps is hiding under the stands.
In cases of ties in an individual category, the tied teams are assigned points by totaling points for the rankings at issue and dividing the total by the number of teams tied.
In cases of ties in total points, final places in the standings are determined by comparing placement of teams in individual categories (the proverbial “match of cards”). Respective performances are calculated and a point given to each team for bettering the other. Should one team total more points than the other, that team is declared the winner. Should the teams still be tied after the “match of cards,” the teams will remain tied in the final standings.
ARTICLE X. STATS
The statistics utilized by the All Star Stats statistics service constitute the official statistics for the computation of standings in SMRL.
The weekly effective date of any transaction for purposes of statistical calculation is Thursday before the commencement of play on those days.
Transactions recorded on Auction Draft Day, including trades and call-ups to replace disabled players, are effective retroactive to Opening Day.
Retroactive draft day transactions are due before the owner or the Commissioner leaves the Auction Draft room. If a draft is being conducted on the phone, any retroactive transactions must be phoned to the Commissioner’s home or mobile phone within 30 minutes of the conclusion of the draft.
Performance stats of a player shall be assigned to a SMRL team only when he is on the active 24-man roster of that team. It is common for a player to appear on the roster of more than one SMRL team during the season because of trades and free agent moves. Even a player who is not traded may spend time on a team’s reserve list, during which period any numbers he might compile for his major league team do not count for his SMRL team.
Standings shall be tabulated and issued in a regular and timely fashion, as determined by the SMRL owners.
ARTICLE XI. TRADES
NO TRADES are allowed from the time of completion of the auction and reserve drafts until MAY 1st. From May 1st until the first Thursday during the month of August, teams are free to make trades of any kind without limit (except as stipulated below). There is no limit on the number or type (active or reserve) of players that may be included in a trade. All of the following strictures must be adhered to, however, in the immediate wake of a trade for such a trade to be valid:
At all times after the trade the active roster of all teams that have participated in the trade must meet the position requirements established in Article III.
At no point may a team have more than 24 players on its active roster (and 14 players on its reserve rosters) except during the September Roster Expansion period.
No trades of any kind may be made between the first Thursday in August and the end of the Amercan League season, nor during the period of time between the Roster Freeze Date (see Article XVI) and May 15th.
Trades do not affect the salaries or contract status of players except as noted in Article VII for minor leaguers.
Any trade involving a player must result in the immediate transfer of that player to the roster of the team he has been traded to.
Trades involving FAAB units, reserve draft picks, minor league picks and other things of tangible SMRL value are permitted, so long as the roster requirements set forth above are strictly adhered to.
In trades involving FAAB $, those FAAB $ are eligible to be used by the acquiring team only during the week following the trade.
All trades involving cash, "players to be named later," or "future considerations" are strictly prohibited. This includes trades that are contingent upon a player’s future performance.
ARTICLE XII. MOVEMENT BETWEEN ACTIVE ROSTER AND RESERVE ROSTER
An owner may demote a player from the active roster to the reserve roster, or promote a player in the reverse direction, at any time and for any reason, such promotions to take effect with the subsequent transaction deadline. No player, however, may be demoted without being replaced on the active roster by an eligible player -- that is, a player who fulfills position eligibility requirements (which may include shifting another active player into the demoted player’s position and the promoted player into the shifted player’s position) and who is currently on a major league roster and not on a major league disabled list.
ARTICLE XIII. SIGNING FREE AGENTS
Active American League players that are not on any SMRL active roster or reserve roster at the conclusion of the auction draft become free agents. During the course of the season the pool of free agents may also include minor league players who are not on a SMRL reserve roster who are promoted to an active American League roster; players traded from the National League; and players who are released by other SMRL teams during the course of the season. Beginning one week after the first standings report, such free agents may be signed, without limit, in the following manner:
Each team shall have, for the purpose of acquiring free agents during the course of the season, a supplementary budget of $100, known as its Free Agent Acquisition Budget (FAAB).
At or before 8:00 P.M. (Pacific Time) on Wednesday, or any other deadline subsequently agreed upon by the majority of the members of the SMRL, a SMRL team may submit a sealed bid via the All Star website or telephone system to acquire one or more free agents who are available that week. All players listed as free agents on the All Star website at the time of the weekly bidding deadline are eligible for acquisition.
Exception: Trades involving FAAB units, reserve draft picks and other things of tangible SMRL value are permitted for the current and following season only. Trading of these items beyond the immediately following season is prohibited.
The minimum bid to acquire a free agent shall be $5; the maximum shall be the amount remaining in a team’s FAAB.
A free agent so selected goes to the highest bidder. If more than one team bids the same amount on a player, and if that amount is the highest bid, the player goes to the team that is lowest in the most recently compiled WEEKLY standings.
The salary of a free agent signed in this manner is his acquisition price. His contract is determined by the date of his acquisition in accordance with Article VII.
For each free agent that it signs, a team must, prior to Thursday’s first MLB game, adhere to the roster restrictions set forth in this document If a team fails to release a player to return its total active and reserve roster to the proper numbers, the team’s roster will be “frozen” and the team will not be permitted to process any further transactions until such a release has been made. In additional, if it is an active roster violation, the newly acquired or activated players stats will be voided until the roster is no longer in violation.
XIV. SEPTEMBER ROSTER EXPANSION
As of the first Thursday of September of each season, if it chooses a team may expand its roster for the pennant drive by adding to its active roster, either from promotion from its reserve roster, trade or via free agent acquisition, a single (one) player, as the post-September 1 Amercan League active-roster size expands to a maximum of 40 players. Such player may play any position, including pitcher. Addition of a player in such a fashion does not change the salary cap obligations of any team adding such a player, meaning that the active roster salary cap of 350 must remain intact after the September addition.
XV. GUARANTEED LONG-TERM CONTRACTS
A player who has been under contract at the same salary during two consecutive seasons and whose service has been uninterrupted (that is, he has not been waived or released, although he may have been traded) must, prior to the freezing of rosters in his third season, be released or signed to a guaranteed long-term contract.
If released, the player returns to the free agent pool and becomes available to the highest bidder at the next auction draft. If signed to a guaranteed long-term contract ("GLC"), the player’s salary in each year covered by the new contract shall be the sum of his current salary plus $5 for each additional year added to his contract. If signed to a GLC, the player that has received the GLC must be retained by the team that signed him to the GLC until such time that the contract has been completed, the player has been traded to another team in the SMRL, the player has been traded to the American League, the player has retired or the “buyout” rules described below are invoked.
A player may be signed to only one long-term contract, at the end of which he becomes a free agent.
Long-term contracts are entirely transferable, both in rights and obligations; the trade of a player in no way affects his contract status.
If, during the course of a long-term contract, a player is traded from the Amercan League to the National League, the contract is rendered null and void. The team that loses the player’s services shall be under no further obligation.
"Buy out" provision: To cut a player you would otherwise not be allowed to cut (for example, an L2 who is still in the Amercan League, or a player you retained on your freeze list but who was sent to the minor leagues, you can "buy out" his contract for 50% of the remaining value. This means that if you wish to cut a 16/L3 (total contract value = 48 [16 x 3 years]), you must pay $24. If you wish to cut a $40/S1 who was sent to the minors prior to the Auction Draft, you must pay $20.
Exception: Darly Kile rule: A player under a long-term contract that DIES, his contract is considered null and void.
XVI. ROSTER PROTECTION
Each team must retain, from one season to the next, no fewer than 7 but no more than 10 of the players on its active or reserve roster who are currently on an active roster in the Amercan League. The 8th, 9th place and 10th place teams from the previous season can only protect a maximum of 9, 8 and 7 players, respectively, IF they finish BELOW 37 points. In addition, there is no limit with regard to the number of farm players (players who still have major league rookie status) a team may protect, but any such farm players who are protected shall not count against the maximum and minimum limits established in this section.
The names of players being retained must be recorded with the Commissioner by midnight on the Roster Freeze Date, the exact date of which shall be determined by the Commissioner on an annual basis. Specific notice must also be made at that time of any guaranteed long-term contract signings and farm system renewals.
The cumulative salaries of frozen Amercan League players are deducted from a team’s Auction Budget, and the balance of the Auction Budget is available for acquisition of the remainder of a team’s active roster.
Frozen farm players count against the limit of 14 players on draft day reserve rosters.
Farm Players: A team may protect a player with farm status (major league “rookie” status) for as many years as it chooses without being required to release the player back into the general draft pool. Once a farm player loses “farm” status (no longer may be considered a major league rookie), however, the players contract status is converted to s2 and begins to run.
The Commissioner should promptly notify all teams in the SMRL of each team’s protected roster, including player salaries, contract status, and amount available to spend on the day of the Auction Draft.
XVII. ANTI-DUMPING CLAUSES
Penalties and rewards for standings:
Teams finishing higher in the standings are rewarded as follows:
2nd place: Receives 2nd place money, $10 Auction and 1st pick in minor league draft
3rd place: Receives 3rd place money, $7 Auction and 2nd pick in minor league draft
4th place: Receives $5 Auction and extra 3rd round minor league draft pick
5th place: Receives extra 3rd round minor league draft pick
6th place: Receives extra 3rd round minor league draft pick
Teams finishing lower in the standings are subject to the following penalties
10th place and below 33 points: 7 keepers maximum and a $7 auction penalty.
9th place and below 33 points: 8 keepers maximum and a $5 auction penalty
8th place and below 33 points: 9 keepers maximum and $3 auction penalty
XVIII. GOVERNANCE
The SMRL is governed by the Commissioner for Life. The Commissioner for Life may designate as many league participants as from time to time he deems appropriate to participate in certain tasks for the good of the SMRL (such as the drafting of this Constitution). The Commissioner for Life has the authority to interpret playing rules and to handle all necessary and routine SMRL business. The Commissioner for Life may, at his discretion, or upon motion made by a team owner, also designate as needed an Executive Committee composed of the Commissioner and two other team owners in good standing to assist in the interpretation of playing rules. Such an Executive Committee shall make all of its decisions by majority vote. In the event that the Commissioner for Life is involved in a dispute to be resolved by the Executive Committee, the Commissioner for Life shall recuse himself from the deliberations and shall appoint three disinterested team owners instead of two to make the decision. All decisions, rulings, and interpretations by the Executive Committee are subject to veto by the SMRL as a whole, upon motion for such a veto being promptly made. Any such veto requires a majority vote of all team owners to pass. In the event of a tie in such a veto vote, the decision of the Executive Committee shall stand. Rule changes are determined by majority vote of the SMRL. Any tie in a vote to change a rule shall result in the rule remaining unchanged. Rule changes will only be considered during the off-season, except in exceptional circumstances. Any proposed in-season rule change requires the approval of three-fourths (3/4) of the SMRL as a whole. [PROPOSAL]
ALMOST FAMOUS QUOTES
Here's the master list that I used for my 2-part NBA column (including ones that I didn't use)
Honey, you want to rebel about knowledge. I’m trying to give you the Cliff’s Notes on how to live life in this world.
This is a house of lies!
--There it is, your sister used the “F” word.
--I think she said “feck.”
--What's the difference?
--The letter “u.”
This song explains why I’m leaving home to become a stewardess.
One day you'll be cool. Look under your bed, it'll set you free.
Listen to Tommy with a candle burning, and you'll see your entire future.
The Doors? Jim Morrison? He's a drunken buffoon posing as a poet. Give me the Guess Who – they got the courage to be drunken buffoons, which makes them poetic!
Live? American Woman? The most brilliant piece of gobbedly good ever! Give me some white light white heat! Iggy Pop! Aaaaaaaaa-men!
--What are you like the star of your school?
--They hate me.
--You’ll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.
--It’s a shame you missed out on on rock and roll. It’s over. I mean, you got here just in time for the death rattle. Last gasp. Last grope.
--At least I’m here for that.
It’s gonna get ugly, they’re gonna buy you drinks, you’ll meet girls, they’ll gonna try to fly you places for free, offer you drugs … I know, it sounds great. These people are not your friends. These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories about the genius of the rock stars, and they will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything we love about it.
You’re coming along at a very dangerous time for rock and roll. The war is over. They won. 99 percent of what passes for rock and roll these days – silence is more compelling.
WE, are not Groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We’re here because of the music. We are Band Aids. We support the music, we inspire the music, we are here because of the music.
You have to make your reputation on being honest … and unmerciful.
It’s all happening! It’s all happening.
Does anyone remember laughter?!?!?
--Russell. Jeff. Ed. Larry. I really love your band. I think the song “Fever Dog” is a big step forward for you guys. And you guys producing it yourselves instead of Glynn Johns was the right thing to do. And Russell, Russell, the guitar sound... is in-sin-diary. Incendiary. Way to go.
--Well, hey, don't stop there! Yeah, come back here! I’m incendiary, too, man!
--How old are you?
--Eighteen.
--Me too!
--How old are we really?
--Seventeen.
--Me too!
--Actually, I’m sixteen.
--Me too. Isn’t it funny? The truth just sounds different.
--I’m fifteen.
It’s not what you put into it. It’s what you leave out. Listen to Marvin Gaye, a song like “What’s Happening, Brother,” there’s a single “woo!” at the end of the second verse … that’s what you remember. It’s the little things, the silly things, it’s only one of them and it makes the song. It’s what you leave out. That’s rock and roll. It’s what you leave out.
--I’ve made a decision, I’m gonna live in Morocco for one year. I need a new crowd. Do you wanna come?
--Yes! Yeah.
--Are you sure?
--Ask me again.
--Do you wanna come?
--Yes! Yes.
I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. Never take it seriously, you never get hurt. Never get hurt, you can always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends.
Act One, in which she pretends she doesn’t care about him. Act Two, in which he pretends he doesn’t care her, but, he goes right for her. Act Three, in which it all plays out the way she planned it. She’ll eat him alive.
--You’re funny. If you were only taller and English and rich and a guitar player and older…
--I’d- I’d be somebody else.
--Yeah. Good point.
Bless my father, for I may sin tonight.
You’re too good looking and too talented to be trusted and everybody knows that.
--Listen, I think you should be writing for us. Any ideas?
--Ummmm… how ‘bout Stillwater?
Come on Doris, you darling bus, you can make it!
Is this Mr. Miller? You have a message from Elaine, your mother. She’s a handful. (Pause.) She freaked me out.
He looks harmless, but he does represent the magazine that trashed Layla, broke up Creem, wrecked every album that Led Zeppelin ever made. Don’t forget the rules, man, this little shit is the enemy. He writes what he sees. (Thinking.) Although it would be cool to be on the cover.
Could you please give him a message for me? Tell him to call home immediately. And also tell him: I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
All right. But I'm just going to say this, and I'm going to stand by it: you should be really proud of him. ‘Cause I know men and I'll bet you do too. And he respects women, and he likes women, and let’s just pause and appreciate a man like that. I mean, you created him out of thin air, you know, you raised him right, he's having a great time, he's doing a good job, and don't worry, he's still a virgin. And we're all looking out for him. You know? And that's more than I've ever even said to my own parents, so there you go. This is the maid speaking, by the way.
--Just make us look cool.
--I will quote you warmly and accurately.
--Well, that’s what I’m worried about.
Some of the stuff that happens is good for a few people to know about, as opposed to, say… one million people.
You’re dangerous. You see everything. Most people? They’re just waiting to talk. But you listen.
See, I grew up with these guys. I can’t play all that I can play. I’m past them as musicians, but the more popular we get, the bigger their houses get, the more responsibilites, the pressure, you know, it gets harder for me to walk out on them.
You forget what it’s like to be a fan. You hear it in bands all the time. It doesn’t sound like music anymore. It sounds like… lifestyle maintenance or something. I used to be able to hear the sounds of the world, everything. To me, it sounded like music. And now I don’t hear it, you know, anymore.
What am I doing? I am telling secrets to the one guy you don’t tell secrets to.
You wanna buy a gate?!?!? (Crash.) You just bought a gate!!!
Here’s the thing about Russell: he’s my last project. All the guys are good, but he can be great.
--What’s your real name?
--I’ll never tell.
It's okay! I'm easy to forget! Just leave me behind! I'm only the fucking lead singer!
It’s the record company’s mistake and they will pay! T-shirts gone, band happy, all right?
--Can we just skip the vibe, and go straight to us laughing about this? Because I can see by your face that you wanna get into it.
--How can you tell? I’m just one of the out of focus guys.
I’m just hungry man, let’s just go out and find some barbecue or something.
--From the very beginning, we said I’m the front man and you’re the guitarist with mystique. That’s the dynamic we agreed on. Page, Plant. Mick, Keith. Blackmore, Gillan. But somehow it’s all turning around. We have got to control what’s happening! There’s a responsibility here.
--Excuse me, but didn’t we get into this to avoid responsibility.
I work just as hard or harder than anybody on that stage. You know what I do? I connect. I get people off! I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off. Actually, that you can print!
Don’t you see, man, the T-shirt is everything.
And lemme just say what nobody else wants to say - your looks have become a problem!
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in from here on out.--You’re real. Your room is real. Your friends are real. Real, man, real. You know? Real, you know. You’re more important than all the silly machinery. The silly machinery. And you know it! In eleven years its going to be 1984, man. Think about THAT! --Wanna see me feed a mouse to my snake? --Yes. Please don't give him any more acid. Thank you.
--Dick, I got him. He’s OK. He is on acid though. I-I can’t really tell. How do you know when it’s kicked in?
(Cut to Russell standing on a roof.)
--I am a golden god!!!!
--And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!
--Russell, I think we should work on those last words!!!
--I got it, I got it. This is better. Last words: I dig music. (Tepid applause.) I'm on drugs! (Wild cheering)
I see what you’re doing… and I like it!
Look at him, he’s taking notes with his eyes. How do we know you’re not a cop? Huh? The enemy? Stop fucking looking at me!
--Don’t worry, he only means half of what he says.
--Which half?
Ladies and Gentlemen, the evening is over. We hope you all enjoyed yourselves and we'll see you all again in 1974. Good evening!
--I have to go home.
--You are home.
Sorry, I can’t concentrate. Rock stars have kidnapped my son.
Show me any guy who ever said he didn’t want to be popular, and I’ll show you a scared guy. I’ve studied the entire history of music. Most of the time, the best stuff is the popular stuff. It’s much safer to say popularity sucks, because that allows you to forgive yourself if you suck. And I don’t forgive myself. Do you?
Tell you think it’s a think piece about a mid-level band struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom. He’ll wet himself.
--Don't you have any regular friends?
--Famous people are just more interesting.
Your time has come. Deflower the kid!!!!
--It’s a think piece about a mid-level band struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom. He’ll wet himself.
--I like what we’re saying! Lemme try to get you a thousand more words.
Your charm doesn’t work on me, I’m onto you.
He's not ready for your world of compromised values and diminished brain cells that you throw away like confetti. Am I speaking to you clearly? If you break his spirit, harm him in any way, keep him from his chosen profession… you will meet the voice on the other end of this telephone and it will not be pretty. Do we understand each other? I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell Hammond.
“Sounds and bong and it sounds like lots of fun. Won’t you get on my back for a piggy back ride. Get on my back for a piggy back riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.”
--Your mom kind of freaked me out.
--She means well.
Do you know how to keep from getting charged for the ice below the floorboards at Chicago Stadium? Do you know how to do a headlining tour? Do you know how to get a record not just pressed, but played. I didn't invent the rainy day, man. I just own the best umbrella.
You gotta take what you can, when you can, while you can, and you gotta do it now. That’s what the big boys do.
If you think Mick Jagger will still be out there trying to be a rock star at age fifty, then you are sadly, sadly mistaken.
Side proposition to the winner: For 50 bucks and a case of Heineken, I’ll throw into the pot three lovely ladies, including Miss Penny Lane of the famous Band Aids, who have to leave the tour before we get to New York.
This is the circus. Everybody's trying not to go home. Nobody’s saying goodbye. (Pause.) Quit looking at me like that.
I’m telling you, you’re coming along at a very dangerous time for rock and roll. The war is over. They won. They will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything that you love about it.
When and where does this "real world" occur? I mean, I am really confused here.
Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and pissed off! And I could be very dangerous to all of you! I am not sweet and you should know that about me. I am the enemy!
You said we were going to go to Morocco. There is no Morocco. There's never been a Morocco. There's not even a Penny Lane. I don't even know your real name.
--Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer? I was there! I was there! (Long pause.) I’m sorry.
--What kind of beer?--
Hey William, we showed you America. Did everything but get you laid.
(William smiles.)
--No! Yeah? Nooooooo!
A Mo-Jo, it's a very high modern machine that transmits pages over the telephone. It only takes eighteen minutes a page.
And they don’t just put someone with one little hit on the cover of Rolling Stone F***ing Magazine!
I love you. And I'm about to boldly go where... many men have gone before.
If something should happen, mnaybe I never said this enough: I love all of you.
I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and kept going. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, but I’m sorry. Not a day goes by when I don’t see his face.
You’re all like family to me. If I took an extra dollar from you here and there, it’s because I knew I’d earned it.
None of us love you. You act above us, you always have. You just held it over us like you might leave, like we’re lucky to be with you. And we had to live it, man. I had to live with you, and now I might die with you, and it’s not fucking fair!
That groupie? She was a band aid. All she did was love your band. And you all used her, all of you. You used her and threw her away… you guys are always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans, she was your BIGGEST fan and you threw her away. And if you can’t see that, that’s your biggest problem.
Fuck it… I’m… I’m gay!!!
Write what you want.
Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong. Cuz they make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool. I know. I’ve met you… we are uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. And they get the girls, but we're smarter. Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... and let's face it, you got a big head start.
--I'm glad you were home.
--I'm always home. I'm uncool.
--Me too.
--The only true currency in this bankrupt world if what we share with someone else when you're uncool.
My advice to you: I know you think those guys are your friends. If you wanna be a true friend to them? Be honest, and unmerciful.
“I’m flying high over Tupelo, Mississippi with America’s hottest band. And we’re all about to die.”
--We’re buffoons! Rock 'n' roll can save the world? The chicks are great? I sound like a dick!
--You are a dick.
Is it that hard to make us look cool?
I never said I was a golden god... or did I?
Before I go, lemme give you a lesson in mystique. (Holds out a cigarette lighter in one hand and closes his other fist.) You can only have one. Which one do you want? As long as you can’t see what’s in this hand (shows closed fist), you’ll always want it more.
--I forgive you.
--I didn’t apologize.
--I just can’t picture you with Leslie.
--I’m the you they get, when they can’t get you.
Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak! They don't even know what it is to be a fan. To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.
I can’t really talk right now, I’m in a room full of people. (Pause.) Actually, I’m alone.
I'm never as good as when you're there.
There’s hope for you yet, Russell.
Well. So, this is where the enemy sleeps.
You know, I think we both wanted to be with her. But she wanted us to be together.
--So, Russell... what do you love about music?
--To begin with? (Smiles.) Everything.
**END**
THE TWITTER FILES: July '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from July 23rd to June 28th (going backwards)
Just saw the Buehrle highlights. Dwayne Wise is the real-life Mickey Hart!!! (Waiting.) "For Love Of the Game?" Anyone? No?
FYI: At 3:45, TMZ will release the 1989 dunk video that I made with my buddy Bish on a 9-foot rim with Michael McDonald as background music.
Just saw the Crawford/LeBron dunk. Absolutely the biggest letdown since Teri Hatcher's topless scene in Heaven's Prisoners.
Has there even been a juicier week for Deadspin? Daulerio is rooting for my extreme DUI arrest w/ a trannie hooker in the car to cap it off.
Q: Are Nippert & Mathis ... A) a 70's soul act, B) gay lion tamers, or C) 2 Texas P's who shut Boston down for a sweep? (Answer: C.)
This Red Sox season is like Tim Hutton's girlfriend in "Beautiful Girls" - a solid & uninspirational 7.5 in every category.
Things I'd rather do over enduring another Vick/Favre news update, Vol. 80: watch a 2-hr Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman sex tape.
Things I'd rather do over getting treated to another Vick/Favre news update, Vol. 79: plunge Tony Siragusa's backed up toilet
I just designated "Hung" for assignment after it went 0-3 with a 9.44 ERA. No comment on rumors that "Entourage" is next.
FYI: If Stu Cink beats Watson here, he's going to follow that up by stabbing Santa Claus to death.
Has any criminal ever been lavishly praised by sports announcers more than burglars? Those burglars have guts!
I feel like my Dad is one hole away from potentially winning the British Open.
The British Open: gloomy weather, dead crowds, early start times, weird golf courses & British people. Why is this fun again?
Bad sign for Entourage: the season 6 premiere is only funny if watched on HBO Latino. By the way, I don't understand Spanish.
ESPYs party recap: if your wife says, "Who's that? He's REALLY cute!" and it's Sasha Vujacic, it's OK to dump a drink on her.
ESPYs party recap: if you're tall, black, wealthy and famous, it's easy to land loose women with hair extensions. Who knew?
Breaking news from ESPYs: T.O. just broke career record for most awkward award show interactions.
Do you think Lamar Odom's agent and Trevor Ariza's agent graduated in the same year from Shitty Sports Agent Academy?
Please don't blame the Prez for throwing a lousy first pitch. He was wearing a bulletproof vest the size of Dustin Pedroia.
I'd pay 25K for Obama to make a "Hey Joe (Buck), Artie Lange told me you're a big fan of c***suckers.com?" joke right now. No, 50K.
We'll remember UFC 100 as "The Last Night Frank Mir Was a Good Looking Guy."
UFC 100 comment: I think "GSP" stands for "Ginormous Sack Package." Even Derek Smalls thinks GSP should tone that thing down.
2002 reader idea: "How to reinstate passion for MLB All-Star Game: winning team gets 1-year immunity from steroids testing!"
I want to sell my HD-DVD player and Six Flags stock to Omar Minaya. Does anyone have a contact for him?
Just realized that Tour De France combines 3 of my least favorite things: cycling, cyclists & France. No wonder I hate it!
I think we all learned a valuable lesson: don't run in front of Donte Stallworth's car in the early AM when he's high & drunk.
Donte Stallworth: Out after 24 days for DUI manslaughter. We showed him! Don't drive drunk & kill people on our streets!
This year's Mavs are like great seats at a 50 Cent concert. You'll see them and think, "Shit, it's too bad this isn't 2004."
Note to self: don't get seduced by a 20 year-old Iranian waitress from Dave & Busters.
"Hey Chris Wallace, would you like to help out 3 other teams that you're competing against for no reason at all? You would! Thanks!"
"I'd like a non-fat decaf latte" is a fancy way of announcing, "I suck, don't ask me out."
Little-known fact: every time Mariah Carey sings "I'll Be There," she's talking about an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot around the bases as the English stare us down from the mound. Suck it, England!
FYI: Hedo changed his mind in Portland after seeing Greg Oden limp towards him for a handshake. (Waiting.) What, too soon?
The ads for 36-hour Cialis pills should say, "Here's your chance to become the star of your next Eyes Wide Shut party!"
Bad news, Memphis: Chris Wallace just traded Graceland for the Neverland Ranch.
Tweets I'd Make If I Were Black: "Wait, Michael Curry & Terry Porter just lasted 1/4th as long COMBINED as Mike Dunleavy?"
Statement from Pistons to fans: "Look, any time you can tank a season for the chance to spend $95 mill on 2 non-AllStars, you gotta do it."
Just saw a "Sports Soup" ad on Versus during a commercial break for "Caddyshack 2." I'm in the Bermuda Triangle of Suck.
Every '09 Tim Lincecum highlight needs spliced footage of mean-looking Texas kids holding paddles & waiting to kick his ass.
If I murder 4 innocent people tonight, can I use the "listening to So. African soccer horns buzz for 2 hours drove me crazy" defense?
**END**
THE TWITTER FILES: June '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from June 27th to May 25th (going backwards)
Why do chubby short guys with long hair + beards always wear ugly hawaiian shirts? (Waiting.) Answer me!
Did you ever notice that the Zoltar machine in "Big" looks like Hedu Turkoglu?
Why didn't they make "Big II?" Elizabeth Perkins uses Zoltar to return to 8th grade & be with Josh only he's with the blonde. Love triangle!
More freaked out & frightened: the doc performing M. Jackson's autopsy, or Dreyfuss performing the shark's autopsy in Jaws?
Mike Dunleavy saying someone has no credibility is like Michael Richards calling someone a racist.
How can two female friends talk excitedly at the same time for 20 mins + understand each other? Do women have super-powers?
Cleveland's trade for Shaq was like someone buying homeowner's insurance 4 weeks after losing everything in a house robbery.
I'm fired up that we beat Spain, but what the hell is the Confederation Cup? Is this better or worse than winning an ESPY?
Statement just released by Milwaukee Bucks to their fans: "Dear fans, go eff yourselves. Die. We hate you. Go away."
I don't want to work hard any more. My third book is going to be called "Tiger's Greatest Comebacks."
Love NBC pretending Tiger has a chance to come back. They should say Ben Hogan, Jack Nicklaus + Ty Webb are lurking as well.
My dad's first tweet: "This 2009 US Open is just one more reason to hate New York."
"You have gotta settle yourself down. You have gotta flat settle yourself down." Golf announcing everybody!
Big Papi rips No. 6! There hasn't been a comeback this improbable since Jason Voorhees came back from a severed head.
It's not officially Father's Day until my dad is bitching because JD Drew just took a called 3rd strike.
If Dice-K were a sushi order, he'd be the toro roll - expensive, hard to get + repeatedly unreliable/disappointing.
FYI: The US Open at Bethpage just shattered the record for most white dudes in one place. It's the Bizarro Million Man March.
For fantasy, '09 Nick Green is like a stretchmarked stripper. First 42 glances: Nope. 43rd glance: "I hope none of my friends see this..."
Here's how my AL keeper league season is going: Picked up Nick Green + Robert Andino last night. And I was thrilled to get them. 'Nuff said.
Good news, Yankee fans: The letter "L" now comes with the tag, "Made in Taiwan."
Joe Buck diary entry today: "Plans to be next Costas dashed. Looking at 5 more years w/ McCarver. F*ck!"
I enjoy McDonald's southern chicken sandwich even if its the Ja Rule to Chik Fil-A's Tupac.
Joe Buck to Artie: "You're going to pull me into a dark place in about one more minute, and it's not going to be good." Is today Dec. 25th?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Buck "Artie Lange is ruining my show and my career might never recover!" Face. I'm so happy.
Joey Buss hasn't been this excited since he completed the final mission on Grand Theft Auto 4 last winter.
Joey Buss: Doing his best to keep the reputation of legacy kids as overmatched losers alive! Fredo lives!!!!!!!!
I forgot that the refs for the Allies-Nazis game in Victory were Berend Salvatore, Dirk Bavetta and Jurgen Crawford.
Howie Kendrick's fantasy bandwagon just flipped 35 times + hit a telephone pole. Yes, I went thru the windshield.
You can even call these Yankee pitchers "relievers." They're more like "exacerbationists."
The perils of HD, Vol. 54: Any slow motion replay of CC Sabathia's fat rolls jiggling in slo-mo as he uncorks a pitch. Yuk.
My postgame question for Phil Jackson: "Phil, that was the worst defensive performance in Finals history. I don't have a question."
I want to come back in my next life as an NBA superstar - not for the money or the fame or the girls, but for the calls.
FYI: Every Bud Selig appearance during the MLB Draft ends with Jonathan Silverman + Andrew McCarthy dragging him off-stage.
The NHL Finals in HD: Almost makes me want to come out of retirement and start smoking pot again. Almost.
Is it possible that "I'm hunting little Mexican girls" is even funnier 5 years later? I say yes. http://tinyurl.com/4jh8e
More terrifying: Pablo Escobar if someone stole a coke shipment from him, or Vicente Padilla after a blown inning-ending DP?
Dear MLB: I'm thinking of making readers pay $200 a year for my columns but blacking out the Friday ones just to piss them off. Any advice?
More horrifying: Police now admitting David Carradine's hanging might be a creepy sex act gone wrong, or my Mom predicting this 24 hrs ago?
Can't decide what's more depressing: Big Papi's eye exam, or the inevitable new snarky sports blog, "Big Papi's Eye Exam."
When "Twilight" sweeps your annual Movie Awards show, it's a good sign that you're doing something horribly wrong.
"Time Warner: This is what would happen if Gary Bettman ran a massive cable company."
"Time Warner: Driving Our Customers to Satellite One Family At a Time."
"Time Warner: Where frozen HD pixels happen."
"Time Warner: Where instead of just fixing your cable box that keeps freezing, our operators ask you to unplug it for 30 seconds."
When my daughter turns 16, I'm making her watch "Taken" + telling her, "This is what might happen if you don't listen to me."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where Jon + Kate can make 5 straight Us Weekly covers.
Lebron's box score in newspaper I am reading: 45 11 24 15 19 3 14 12 3 37. Looks like a lottery drawing. We are all witnesses.
More fixed: Game 5 Den-LA, or the "random" lottery in Shawshank when Red & his buddies were picked to work outside on the roof?
I'd like to nominate Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" as the most dated sounding rap song right now. I think it came out in 1903.
Twitter Post You'll Never See: "Only 4 Tonight shows left for my man Leno, I'm starting to get sad. Vaya con dios, my friend."
Can we all agree that JR Smith is the least likely "Smitty" ever?
Andrew Bynum plays with the passion of a porn actress filming her 12th scene in 9 days.
The Lifetime Movie Network is having its annual 3-day "She Kills Me" Weekend. Selena Roberts couldn't have hosted?
**END**
THE TWITTER FILES: MAY '09 EDITION
A collection of posts from May 24th to May 2nd (going backwards)
The NBA: Where following up one of the 12 greatest shots in playoff history with an 86 free throw clusterf*ck happens.
More homoerotic ad: the Sprite guys chest-bumping & exploding, or Sandler/Farley in Schmitt's Gay? http://tinyurl.com/bg84hs
If I told you 2 NBA players just exploded after a homoerotic Sprite-like chestbump, wouldn't your response be, "Vujacic & Farmar?"
Why can't Reggie Miller just make it official and put on a blonde Ted McGinley wig?
Yes Network just showed a graphic for A-Rod's AB's today: "K K K." That needs a nickname. "The White Hood?"
Stu Scott should promote ABC's postgame show like this: "Stay tuned for a postgame show that doesn't have Reggie Miller!"
Sometimes I think about quitting my column so I can open my very own pupuseria. I'd keep the podcast.
ESPN's Ric Bucher is reporting that George Karl plans on coming up with an effective inbounds play by Game 5. Story developing.
FYI: Lamar Odom is having the greatest "pressuring the inbounds passer" playoff series that anyone's ever had.
Note to Jeff Van Gundy: You can't describe anything Kobe does in Colorado as a "blow-by." Still too soon.
Just realized that there's a bad Tom Cruise movie where he plays an eye patch-wearing Nazi and I haven't seen it yet. What's happened to me?
We need to tweak the NBA's taunting rule. You should always, and I mean ALWAYS, be allowed to taunt Sasha Vujacic.
Mike Breen: "It's raining threes at the Pepsi Center!" If it was raining Lamar Odom threes, everyone would be dead.
"Turkoglu!!!! Billups!!!! It's the NBA Finals on ABC!"
Big Papi has me "my son is the worst player on his Lil' League team + the other kids are picking on him"-level bummed out.
Jerry Manuel looks like Fred Armisen playing Gov. Patterson only with the wrong makeup + wardrobe.
I wish "Around the Horn" panelists pooled their appearance fees each show, winner takes all. Bob Ryan would turn maroon every time he lost.
What's better than the cacaphony of bitter Laker fans leaving the Staples Center complaining about Dick Bavetta? Nothing, I say.
Revised '09 breakout list: 1. R. Lewis; 2. Reggie's agent; 3. Cristal Taylor; 4. D-Rose; 5. Dos Equis Guy; 6. T. Ariza; 7. Ron Jeremy jokes.
Reggie Miller might be Barkley's shakiest crunch-time teammate since Richard Dumas.
It's May 20th and I'm WAY too excited about Big Papi's first homer of the season. Just lemme enjoy this. Thanks.
I'd like to announce that Michael Madsen's performance in Species 2 is my favorite mailed-in acting performance ever.
I've said it a million times: When George Karl is your coach in a tight game, that means George Karl is your coach in a tight game.
First well-played NBA Playoff game since Bulls-Celts Game 6. I'm rooting for Denver simply out of respect for the Stop Snitchin' campaign.
Jay Bilas is right: Hakeem Thabeet has a special skill... sucking.
Do we have to have the lottery system explained to us every year? We get it. There are ping pong balls, probabilities & percentages. Gotcha.
Yankee Stadium is so quiet that you can actually HEAR Derek Jeter losing his bat speed.
Nickname for new Yankee Stadium: "Augusta." Its dead-quiet 99% of time, or there's polite applause.
Yankee Stadium is like flying a red-eye flight first class: Just as quiet, just as expensive.
Can we agree that JT & Stephen got a little Brokebacky there on Day 39? We needed a disgusted Randy Quaid watching them thru binoculars.
My book about this celtics season will be called "Foot On The Line: The Guttiest of Title Defenses Derailed by Inches"
I'm excited for Penny Marshall's new sitcom, "Laverne Ate Shirley."
Does hell have a will call, or is hell just a giant will call?
Watched Groundhog Day last night on FX HD. Poor Andie McDowell. Every pre-Y2K actress who didn't get to use Crest Strips must hate HD.
Is it possible that one of Cristal Taylor's 8 aliases is "Gary Bettman?" She does have a checkered history of stealing money from people.
The NHL: "Where playing two Round 2 Game 7's at the exact same time and you can only see one unless you pay $79 happens."
If my fantasy baseball career was a 70s Florida coed sorority house, Phil Hughes would be ted bundy
Dwight Howard might be the worst great player ever. I swear that made sense.
"She's a stripper with 8 aliases and a record, he's a former NBA MVP from Germany, and I'm Maury Povich. Welcome back."
Wait, does this mean I have to return the 2007 NBA MVP Trophy that I bought on eBay for 350 bucks last week?
If you were Denver, wouldn't you have bailed out Nowitzki's fiancee and sat her courtside behind Dallas' bench? (Waiting.) What? Too soon?
Things I'd Do If I Were A Rapper, Vol 1: Record songs with choruses like "40 Games In 40 Nights," "Where Amazin' Happens" & "My Fab Five."
TNT programming note: Marv Albert is wearing Joe Pantaliano's toupee from Season 4 of the Sopranos tonight.
Cialis question: Why did they decide on a logo of a couple lounging in adjoining bathtubs? Are two bathtubs a prerequisite for torrid sex?
More doomed idea: Building yet another TV drama around Dylan McDermott, or trying to win a huge playoff game on the road with Baby & Scal?
The perfect bet: total 2009 Papi HR's vs number of "Hawthorne" episodes before TNT's first Will Smith cameo request. Which number is higher?
Reggie Miller is apparently taking classes at the Tommy Wiseau School for Acting. "You're tearing me apart, mailbag!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm taking Zaza Pachulia first in my NBA Steroids Draft next week. Back zits and an irrational temper? My scouts love him.
Heard on FMC: "You're gonna go DOWN. You crossed the LINE and people trusted you and they DIED." 50-year storms made Keanu's acting worse.
I wanna be the first Survivor contestant to crack the top-6 & then not break down like a Hallmark commercial upon seeing a family member.
Shit, Turkoglu's face just broke my HD tuner. Could someone tell me what's happening?
FYI: All of Dwight Howard's picks tonight are being sponsored by Mayflower Movers.
Why can't they change the title of Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker - Waltz of the Flowers" to "The Bushwood CC Pool Dance?" Who's against this?
Don Mattingly doesn't have a Hall of Fame resume unless you include this poster: http://tinyurl.com/cxkhrb. Then? He's in. Easily.
Jaws is on Cinemax19. Worse decision: Doc bringing Tony Allen into Game 6, or the Amityville mayor opening the beach on July 4th weekend?
"Honey, I have to go to my 'Heads Up Poker' taping. Do you know where my Full Tilt Poker sportscoat and matching baseball hat is?"
I think I'd pay $2500 to see Nancy Lieberman riding a horse while trying to successfully interview a jockey at the Kentucky Derby.
Darren Pang and Mike Milbury: there hasn't been a height disparity behind a desk like that since Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.
Things I Hate, Vol. I: Anyone who copy-pastes someone else's entire column onto their blog or message board instead of just linking to it.
Things I Hate Vol 2: the fact that the NHL, a league that needs all the help it can get, charges 79 bucks for its playoff package.
Things I Hate Vol. 3: The surly guys who set up bouncy castles for birthday parties. Please add them to all FBI serial killer profile lists.
Things I Hate Vol. 4: NFL Draft grades. Like anyone knows. "I will now grade the weather 9 weeks from now. July 2nd, B-plus! July 3rd, D!"
Things I Hate Vol. 5: "Tony Allen has entered the game for defensive purposes." The eight most chilling words in sports.
I just lost my Twitter virginity.
**END**
Losing My Twitter Virginity
4/30
Here's the link: http://twitter.com/sportsguy33
I re-evaluated this whole Twitter thing. Although I can't stand those "Bill is at Best Buy looking at DVDs and there's a sale!"-type posts, the more I thought about it, that won't be Twitter's destiny. When the Patriots used Twitter to announce draft picks last weekend, I thought it was fascinating: the Pats were breaking actual news through Twitter, bypassing the middlemen (in this case, reporters) and communicating directly with fans. I also talked to Erik Rydholm last weekend (creator for "PTI") and he mentioned how the show has been using Twitter for show ideas, mailbag questions and the like. Hmmmmmm. I started thinking how Twitter could work for me. The sad truth is, there's an immediacy/simplicity to Twitter that might help me do my job a little better. So let's see if that is the case. I am giving it a test run for a few weeks to see if I like it.
For me, Twitter might work as a combination of these things: an RSS Feed (for when I post new columns or podcasts on ESPN.com); a miniature version of my old "Links" page (passing along any links that I like); an FYI for any radio/TV appearances I might make (example: when I go on Carolla's podcast); entertaining e-mails from readers that were too time-sensitive for a mailbag; quick-hit solicitations for mailbag questions; a running update for my book tour when it happens this fall; and down the road, maybe even some quick hit Ramblings-type jokes if I grow to like the format.
Here's what you will not get from me on Twitter: mundane updates about my life. I just can't understand why anyone would care that "Bill is working on a magazine column" or "Bill desperately needs some coffee."
So that's it. Here is the link again: http://twitter.com/sportsguy33.
**END**
Nov. 17, 1996 - Strapped Jocks
Here's a column about college sports that I wrote for the Boston Phoenix in November, 1996, back when I was a "freelance writer living in Boston," which was a nice way of saying, "unemployed and bartending." For some reason, this is the only one of my Phoenix columns or features available online; I probably wrote 15-20 in all.
Strapped Jocks
Here's a column about college sports that I wrote for the Boston Phoenix in November, 1996, back when I was a "freelance writer living in Boston," which was a nice way of saying, "unemployed and bartending." For some reason, this is the only one of my Phoenix columns or features available online; I probably wrote 15-20 in all.
Strapped Jocks
Feb. 7, 2000 - Can the XFL make it?
Needless to say, the jury came back with a verdict on this one pretty quickly. But you have to hand it to the XFL for pushing the NFL into the 21st century with camerawork, right? And I still like my O.J. Simpson idea eight years later, as well as the Royal Rumble idea, the championship belt and the "combined weight" introduction. That league could have worked. You can't tell me differently.
**
**
CAN THE XFL MAKE IT?
Why a wacky football league just might work.
When WWF promoter Vince McMahon introduced plans for his new football league (the XFL) at a press conference last week, he told reporters, "The NFL has gotten too conservative, too corporate. This will be an old-fashioned, smash-mouth league but with our cutting-edge marketing and production abilities."
In other words, get ready for lots of personality development, in-your-face action, scantily-clad ladies on the sidelines, taunting, rough play, loud music, corny nicknames and gimmicks, annoying announcers, and everything else that makes the WWF so much damned fun (with the possible exception of Vince's evil daughter, Stephanie, and her enormous, bulbous, swaying breasts). McMahon has proven he can capture that coveted 18-to-35 male TV demographic with "sports entertainment." Why couldn't he do the same thing with real sports? I certainly wouldn't bet against him. Remember, I just found out that pro wrestling was fixed three weeks ago.
With lower salaries and inferior talent, the XFL can only distinguish itself from the NFL with rule changes and various wrinkles. If McMahon incorporates the most fan-friendly aspects of the WWF into his league, he might have another winner on his hands. Vince is right: the NFL has gotten pretty damned stiff over the years. Load a new football league with enough violence and sex to satiate even the most testosterone-loaded single male fan, and hey... it just might work.
So here are my suggestions: a dozen ways that Vince could steal from the WWF for his new football league:
1. Cool team names
There's no reason why some of the football teams can't be tied into the WWF. This doesn't mean the XFL should go overboard with names like the Houston Hos and the Pittsburgh Puppies, but they could definitely have a WWF flavor: we could have the Boston Brood, Dallas Degeneration X, Pittsburgh Posse, even the Minnesota Mean Street Posse.
(Note: At the very least, the merchandising dollars would skyrocket, especially in cities with high gang populations. As for me, I would definitely buy a Boston Brood hat, especially if it had blood dripping from the "B.")
2. Make your cheerleaders as slutty as possible.
Take a cue here from WWF wrestler The Godfather; here's a guy who wrestled under about 15 different gimmicks in the '90s and never caught on with fans until he pretended he was a pimp and flanked himself with scantily-clad "hos." Now? The fans love him and shout out his catchphrases for him ("PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!"). And it's all because of the hos.
(If you didn't follow that last paragraph, lemme rephrase it for you: Fans love hos!)
The solution: McMahon needs to pull a Howard Stern and find as many top-notch porn stars and strippers as he can, load them on the sidelines and turn them into a 21st century version of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. The raunchier the better. Most guys will watch anything if there's enough T & A sprinkled in. Hell, why do you think "Baywatch" is still on after all these years?
3. Steroid use = legal and encouraged
It works in wrestling... why can't it work in the XFL? Besides, since the XFL will be using inferior players, they'll need all the help they can get. What's wrong with offensive linemen benching 700 pounds or wide receivers running 3.8's in the 40-yard dash? Come on, didn't you see "The Program"? That stuff can happen with the right team doctor!
They could even drug-test players before every game and then show their results during the games, along with their stats. For instance, after Joe Schmoe makes a tackle, the announcers could say, "There's Joe Schmoe... he's a '95 graduate of Kansas State ... 6-foot-3, 260 pounds ... he's gained 40 pounds over the past 3 weeks ... looks like he's playing this week under the influence of HGH, anabolic steroids, a few greenies, three jack-and-cokes and a fish paralyzer."
4. Give certain star players their own managers
Most athletes have terrible microphone skills as it is; why not hire 8-10 managers (ala Captain Lou Albano and Fredie Blassie in the mid-70's) to work with different star players to try to "get them over" (to use a wrestling term)? You could even give players built-in entourages/posses on the sidelines and encourage some roller derby-style mayhem every time an opponent goes out of bounds and gets tangled up with somebody's posse member.
I always thought this would work best in the NBA. For instance, after Ron Mercer complained about his contract offer and pushed for that trade to Denver, he ended up returning to Boston with the Nuggets last December. Wouldn't it have been entertaining if they interviewed Mercer and his agent (Tevester Scott) before the game and Mercer had three posse members rubbing his shoulders down while Scott screamed for revenge and insulted the Boston fans and players... then at the end of the interview, Mercer went nuts and ripped up his old Celtics #5 uniform into smithereens and threatened to kick Paul Pierce's "scrawny ass?" The crowd would have been riled up into a frenzy. Admit it.
Hey, if Vince can somehow tap into this emotion, more power to him. I think it could work. And no, I'm not kidding. You could even have one super-manager with guys on different teams... and the camera could show him on the sidelines running around trying to kiss everyone's rear end, ala NBA uber-agent David Falk.
(See where I'm going with this? There's no reason why the XFL couldn't satirize/parody modern sports, even as it's trying to establish itself as a professional league. And Vince LOVES to parody things.)
5. Acknowledge and embrace the gambling world
You have to do it. The best thing about Vince McMahon is that he doesn't give a crap -- he gives the fans what they want and he doesn't care about "role models" or "protecting America's youth." Vince believes that parents should be setting an example for their children, not Vince McMahon. If you think about it, it almost makes sense.
Anyway, the NFL -- in all its infuriating hypocrisy -- refuses to acknowledge gambling lines on its games, on the record, anyway. Off the record, it allows newspapers to publish point spreads and forces each team to release detailed injury reports, ostensibly so gamblers will have all the information they need about each team. Even the network announcers avoid the subject, with the exception of ABC's Al Michaels, who almost certainly has an enormous gambling problem and can't help himself.
Where does the ZFL fit in? I think they should refer to the gambling lines before, during and after games. Then you could have exchanges like this:
--Jim: And our final score, Dallas 30, Denver 24.
--Jerry: The Dropkicks may have lost the game, but they covered the spread AND the over/under with that last-second touchdown! UNBELIEVABLE!
Speaking of announcers...
6. Use WWF announcers Jim Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler as the "Madden and Summerall" for the XFL "Game of the Week"
If the XFL used Lawler and Ross, not only would they be more light-hearted and irreverant than your average football guys, but you might even hear exchanges like this:
--Jim: Now it's 3rd and 12 for the Brood .. the Mean Street Posse has been wreaking havoc defensively on Boston quarterback Craig Whelihan.
(Suddenly we hear a loud fireworks blast and the beginning of a rap song for a Cambridge clothing store company.)
--Jerry: Wait a second, what's that?
--Jim: Good God! That-that's Michael Bishop's music! Michael Bishop is at the Fleet Center! And he's coming in for this huge 3rd down play!
--Jerry: Look at the Mean Street Posse cheerleaders... they can't believe it! Hey, I think I just saw a nipple JR!
--Jim: Here's Bishop rolling out to his right... he's taking off down the sidelines! Oh my God! He could go! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! Touchdown, Brood!
--Jerry: Not only are they winning the game, they're covering again!
--Jim: And now he's celebrating in the end zone and doing his "Beat the Bishop" dance!
--Jerry: That dance scares me, JR. He looks like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and George Michael!
--Jim: But the cheerleaders love it! They're all naked again! GOOD GOD!
Admit it... you'd be watching.
7. Four words you never thought you'd hear again: "Pete Carroll, head coach."
The XFL wouldn't be as much fun without our beloved Coach Fredo, the perfect candidate to coach an expansion franchise. I'll let reader Michael Sebastino take it from here:
"After Fredo's announced as head coach, he comes storming out with his newly-shaved head, goatee, sunglasses, and he's wearing a muscle shirt and yelling that he's 'pumped,' 'jacked' and feeling 'dangerous!' Of course, he's talking extremely loud and fast, like all pro wrestlers do, and spit is flying from his mouth. During the Q&A session that follows, he bodyslams Ron Borges after Borges mentions how he ruined a 'Super Bowl caliber team' in just three short years. Now THAT would be high comedy!"
8. Every team gets a gimmick
Much like wrestling, it makes no sense for teams to be randomly put together, at least in the first season. So why not try to "mold" the teams so you could have "good guy" teams and "bad guy" teams? All the players with criminal records and drug convictions could play for the Dallas Degeneration X squad ("Good God! That-that's Lawrence Phillips' music!"). All the born-agains could play on the same team (the California Christians?) and babble on about Jesus more than Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce combined. You could even have a team called the "Rejects" made up of all the guys who failed in the NFL. Then see who the fans support and market them appropriately.
9. Make pre-game introductions seem like wrestling introductions
Imagine XFL "ring" announcer Howard Finkel coming out to midfield before the first title game and saying, "The following contest has been scheduled for 60 minutes, winner take all, for THE XFL WORLD TITLE!... on the sideline to my left, coming in at a combined weight of 10,839 pounds, the Pittsburgh Posse!"
(Note: I've always been a big fan of the "combined weight" stat. It's never used enough in sports, in my opinion.)
Speaking of belts, you could have the championship team's coach wearing a title belt during all regular season games. Once his team gets beaten, the vanquishing team gets the belt for the following week and it goes on and on throughout the playoffs. Whomever has the belt at the end of the regular season gets the first seed in the playoffs and homefield advantage, with the rest of the seeds go by regular season record.
(And if that's not enough of an argument for you, consider this one: Pete Carroll happily running off the field holding a championship belt in the air! Could you put a pricetag on a moment like that? I didn't think so.)
10. Fixed endings
McMahon would never do this. No way he cuts in on Al Davis's turf.
11. No set schedule
The WWF makes up its cards on the spot, so why couldn't the XFL do the same thing? For instance, let's say that the Pittsburgh Posse and the Minnesota Mean Street Posse play a particularly rough game in Week Seven with lots of bad blood spilling out after the game. Then the XFL could schedule a "return game" for the following week with no penalties!
Our buddy Birdman thinks they could incorporate some wrestling staples into the actual game rules during exhibition season, just to whet everyone's appetite for the regular season. For example...
* Instead of fixed endings, maybe games that don't have endings! How about a football game that ends in a bench-clearing brawl and then just fades to black, the way "Monday Night Raw" ends every week?
* Lumberjack football: If someone goes out of bounds, the guys on the sidelines can throw them back in.
* A steel cage game: First team to score AND have the ballcarrier climb out of the cage wins the game.
* A "hardcore" game: Players get to bring tables, metal chairs, garbage can lids and barbed wore onto the field.
* A Royal Rumble game: each team starts out with four players, then every minute, a new player runs until the end of the quarter. When the new quarter starts, it's back to four players per side again.
Hey, at least you'd be watching in the exhibition season.
Even if the XFL doesn't incorporate wrestling gimmicks, at least they should relax some of its rules during play. Taunting should be allowed. So should tripping, clotheslining and bodyslamming. Roughing the kicker would be legal and encouraged. No fair catches. Lots of late hits. No running out of bounds (ala the Arena Football League).
12. Bring back the Juice!
You want publicity? You want to make an immediate impact in the sports world? Then Vince should hire OJ Simpson as his "third man in the announcing booth" with Lawler and Ross. Imagine the headlines! Imagine the awkwardness and the comedy! How can Vince McMahon NOT see all the benefits here? In fact, I'm not predicting this happens, I'm guaranteeing it.
Etch it in stone. OJ will be involved in the XFL.
And if you don't think Vince McMahon would ever hire OJ... well, you're sadly mistaken. This is a man who once transformed Sergeant Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer during the height of the Cold War. This is a man who "married" off his daughter Stephanie to the villainous Triple H and made her stop wearing a bra. This is a man who kept a pay-per-view going for two more hours after one of his wrestlers fell 90 feet to his death during a botched stunt. You think Vince cares about offending the American public? Puh-leeeze.
He's all about ratings and dollar signs, which is the best AND the worst thing about him. He gives the people what they want. Period. And if you watch the wildly-popular WWF these days, you're never sure if it's a sadder statement about Vince or the general public.
One thing is for sure: I wouldn't bet against him.
**END**
Copyright by Bill Simmons, 2000
Needless to say, the jury came back with a verdict on this one pretty quickly. But you have to hand it to the XFL for pushing the NFL into the 21st century with camerawork, right? And I still like my O.J. Simpson idea eight years later, as well as the Royal Rumble idea, the championship belt and the "combined weight" introduction. That league could have worked. You can't tell me differently.
**
**
CAN THE XFL MAKE IT?
Why a wacky football league just might work.
When WWF promoter Vince McMahon introduced plans for his new football league (the XFL) at a press conference last week, he told reporters, "The NFL has gotten too conservative, too corporate. This will be an old-fashioned, smash-mouth league but with our cutting-edge marketing and production abilities."
In other words, get ready for lots of personality development, in-your-face action, scantily-clad ladies on the sidelines, taunting, rough play, loud music, corny nicknames and gimmicks, annoying announcers, and everything else that makes the WWF so much damned fun (with the possible exception of Vince's evil daughter, Stephanie, and her enormous, bulbous, swaying breasts). McMahon has proven he can capture that coveted 18-to-35 male TV demographic with "sports entertainment." Why couldn't he do the same thing with real sports? I certainly wouldn't bet against him. Remember, I just found out that pro wrestling was fixed three weeks ago.
With lower salaries and inferior talent, the XFL can only distinguish itself from the NFL with rule changes and various wrinkles. If McMahon incorporates the most fan-friendly aspects of the WWF into his league, he might have another winner on his hands. Vince is right: the NFL has gotten pretty damned stiff over the years. Load a new football league with enough violence and sex to satiate even the most testosterone-loaded single male fan, and hey... it just might work.
So here are my suggestions: a dozen ways that Vince could steal from the WWF for his new football league:
1. Cool team names
There's no reason why some of the football teams can't be tied into the WWF. This doesn't mean the XFL should go overboard with names like the Houston Hos and the Pittsburgh Puppies, but they could definitely have a WWF flavor: we could have the Boston Brood, Dallas Degeneration X, Pittsburgh Posse, even the Minnesota Mean Street Posse.
(Note: At the very least, the merchandising dollars would skyrocket, especially in cities with high gang populations. As for me, I would definitely buy a Boston Brood hat, especially if it had blood dripping from the "B.")
2. Make your cheerleaders as slutty as possible.
Take a cue here from WWF wrestler The Godfather; here's a guy who wrestled under about 15 different gimmicks in the '90s and never caught on with fans until he pretended he was a pimp and flanked himself with scantily-clad "hos." Now? The fans love him and shout out his catchphrases for him ("PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!"). And it's all because of the hos.
(If you didn't follow that last paragraph, lemme rephrase it for you: Fans love hos!)
The solution: McMahon needs to pull a Howard Stern and find as many top-notch porn stars and strippers as he can, load them on the sidelines and turn them into a 21st century version of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. The raunchier the better. Most guys will watch anything if there's enough T & A sprinkled in. Hell, why do you think "Baywatch" is still on after all these years?
3. Steroid use = legal and encouraged
It works in wrestling... why can't it work in the XFL? Besides, since the XFL will be using inferior players, they'll need all the help they can get. What's wrong with offensive linemen benching 700 pounds or wide receivers running 3.8's in the 40-yard dash? Come on, didn't you see "The Program"? That stuff can happen with the right team doctor!
They could even drug-test players before every game and then show their results during the games, along with their stats. For instance, after Joe Schmoe makes a tackle, the announcers could say, "There's Joe Schmoe... he's a '95 graduate of Kansas State ... 6-foot-3, 260 pounds ... he's gained 40 pounds over the past 3 weeks ... looks like he's playing this week under the influence of HGH, anabolic steroids, a few greenies, three jack-and-cokes and a fish paralyzer."
4. Give certain star players their own managers
Most athletes have terrible microphone skills as it is; why not hire 8-10 managers (ala Captain Lou Albano and Fredie Blassie in the mid-70's) to work with different star players to try to "get them over" (to use a wrestling term)? You could even give players built-in entourages/posses on the sidelines and encourage some roller derby-style mayhem every time an opponent goes out of bounds and gets tangled up with somebody's posse member.
I always thought this would work best in the NBA. For instance, after Ron Mercer complained about his contract offer and pushed for that trade to Denver, he ended up returning to Boston with the Nuggets last December. Wouldn't it have been entertaining if they interviewed Mercer and his agent (Tevester Scott) before the game and Mercer had three posse members rubbing his shoulders down while Scott screamed for revenge and insulted the Boston fans and players... then at the end of the interview, Mercer went nuts and ripped up his old Celtics #5 uniform into smithereens and threatened to kick Paul Pierce's "scrawny ass?" The crowd would have been riled up into a frenzy. Admit it.
Hey, if Vince can somehow tap into this emotion, more power to him. I think it could work. And no, I'm not kidding. You could even have one super-manager with guys on different teams... and the camera could show him on the sidelines running around trying to kiss everyone's rear end, ala NBA uber-agent David Falk.
(See where I'm going with this? There's no reason why the XFL couldn't satirize/parody modern sports, even as it's trying to establish itself as a professional league. And Vince LOVES to parody things.)
5. Acknowledge and embrace the gambling world
You have to do it. The best thing about Vince McMahon is that he doesn't give a crap -- he gives the fans what they want and he doesn't care about "role models" or "protecting America's youth." Vince believes that parents should be setting an example for their children, not Vince McMahon. If you think about it, it almost makes sense.
Anyway, the NFL -- in all its infuriating hypocrisy -- refuses to acknowledge gambling lines on its games, on the record, anyway. Off the record, it allows newspapers to publish point spreads and forces each team to release detailed injury reports, ostensibly so gamblers will have all the information they need about each team. Even the network announcers avoid the subject, with the exception of ABC's Al Michaels, who almost certainly has an enormous gambling problem and can't help himself.
Where does the ZFL fit in? I think they should refer to the gambling lines before, during and after games. Then you could have exchanges like this:
--Jim: And our final score, Dallas 30, Denver 24.
--Jerry: The Dropkicks may have lost the game, but they covered the spread AND the over/under with that last-second touchdown! UNBELIEVABLE!
Speaking of announcers...
6. Use WWF announcers Jim Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler as the "Madden and Summerall" for the XFL "Game of the Week"
If the XFL used Lawler and Ross, not only would they be more light-hearted and irreverant than your average football guys, but you might even hear exchanges like this:
--Jim: Now it's 3rd and 12 for the Brood .. the Mean Street Posse has been wreaking havoc defensively on Boston quarterback Craig Whelihan.
(Suddenly we hear a loud fireworks blast and the beginning of a rap song for a Cambridge clothing store company.)
--Jerry: Wait a second, what's that?
--Jim: Good God! That-that's Michael Bishop's music! Michael Bishop is at the Fleet Center! And he's coming in for this huge 3rd down play!
--Jerry: Look at the Mean Street Posse cheerleaders... they can't believe it! Hey, I think I just saw a nipple JR!
--Jim: Here's Bishop rolling out to his right... he's taking off down the sidelines! Oh my God! He could go! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! Touchdown, Brood!
--Jerry: Not only are they winning the game, they're covering again!
--Jim: And now he's celebrating in the end zone and doing his "Beat the Bishop" dance!
--Jerry: That dance scares me, JR. He looks like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and George Michael!
--Jim: But the cheerleaders love it! They're all naked again! GOOD GOD!
Admit it... you'd be watching.
7. Four words you never thought you'd hear again: "Pete Carroll, head coach."
The XFL wouldn't be as much fun without our beloved Coach Fredo, the perfect candidate to coach an expansion franchise. I'll let reader Michael Sebastino take it from here:
"After Fredo's announced as head coach, he comes storming out with his newly-shaved head, goatee, sunglasses, and he's wearing a muscle shirt and yelling that he's 'pumped,' 'jacked' and feeling 'dangerous!' Of course, he's talking extremely loud and fast, like all pro wrestlers do, and spit is flying from his mouth. During the Q&A session that follows, he bodyslams Ron Borges after Borges mentions how he ruined a 'Super Bowl caliber team' in just three short years. Now THAT would be high comedy!"
8. Every team gets a gimmick
Much like wrestling, it makes no sense for teams to be randomly put together, at least in the first season. So why not try to "mold" the teams so you could have "good guy" teams and "bad guy" teams? All the players with criminal records and drug convictions could play for the Dallas Degeneration X squad ("Good God! That-that's Lawrence Phillips' music!"). All the born-agains could play on the same team (the California Christians?) and babble on about Jesus more than Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce combined. You could even have a team called the "Rejects" made up of all the guys who failed in the NFL. Then see who the fans support and market them appropriately.
9. Make pre-game introductions seem like wrestling introductions
Imagine XFL "ring" announcer Howard Finkel coming out to midfield before the first title game and saying, "The following contest has been scheduled for 60 minutes, winner take all, for THE XFL WORLD TITLE!... on the sideline to my left, coming in at a combined weight of 10,839 pounds, the Pittsburgh Posse!"
(Note: I've always been a big fan of the "combined weight" stat. It's never used enough in sports, in my opinion.)
Speaking of belts, you could have the championship team's coach wearing a title belt during all regular season games. Once his team gets beaten, the vanquishing team gets the belt for the following week and it goes on and on throughout the playoffs. Whomever has the belt at the end of the regular season gets the first seed in the playoffs and homefield advantage, with the rest of the seeds go by regular season record.
(And if that's not enough of an argument for you, consider this one: Pete Carroll happily running off the field holding a championship belt in the air! Could you put a pricetag on a moment like that? I didn't think so.)
10. Fixed endings
McMahon would never do this. No way he cuts in on Al Davis's turf.
11. No set schedule
The WWF makes up its cards on the spot, so why couldn't the XFL do the same thing? For instance, let's say that the Pittsburgh Posse and the Minnesota Mean Street Posse play a particularly rough game in Week Seven with lots of bad blood spilling out after the game. Then the XFL could schedule a "return game" for the following week with no penalties!
Our buddy Birdman thinks they could incorporate some wrestling staples into the actual game rules during exhibition season, just to whet everyone's appetite for the regular season. For example...
* Instead of fixed endings, maybe games that don't have endings! How about a football game that ends in a bench-clearing brawl and then just fades to black, the way "Monday Night Raw" ends every week?
* Lumberjack football: If someone goes out of bounds, the guys on the sidelines can throw them back in.
* A steel cage game: First team to score AND have the ballcarrier climb out of the cage wins the game.
* A "hardcore" game: Players get to bring tables, metal chairs, garbage can lids and barbed wore onto the field.
* A Royal Rumble game: each team starts out with four players, then every minute, a new player runs until the end of the quarter. When the new quarter starts, it's back to four players per side again.
Hey, at least you'd be watching in the exhibition season.
Even if the XFL doesn't incorporate wrestling gimmicks, at least they should relax some of its rules during play. Taunting should be allowed. So should tripping, clotheslining and bodyslamming. Roughing the kicker would be legal and encouraged. No fair catches. Lots of late hits. No running out of bounds (ala the Arena Football League).
12. Bring back the Juice!
You want publicity? You want to make an immediate impact in the sports world? Then Vince should hire OJ Simpson as his "third man in the announcing booth" with Lawler and Ross. Imagine the headlines! Imagine the awkwardness and the comedy! How can Vince McMahon NOT see all the benefits here? In fact, I'm not predicting this happens, I'm guaranteeing it.
Etch it in stone. OJ will be involved in the XFL.
And if you don't think Vince McMahon would ever hire OJ... well, you're sadly mistaken. This is a man who once transformed Sergeant Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer during the height of the Cold War. This is a man who "married" off his daughter Stephanie to the villainous Triple H and made her stop wearing a bra. This is a man who kept a pay-per-view going for two more hours after one of his wrestlers fell 90 feet to his death during a botched stunt. You think Vince cares about offending the American public? Puh-leeeze.
He's all about ratings and dollar signs, which is the best AND the worst thing about him. He gives the people what they want. Period. And if you watch the wildly-popular WWF these days, you're never sure if it's a sadder statement about Vince or the general public.
One thing is for sure: I wouldn't bet against him.
**END**
Copyright by Bill Simmons, 2000
