Feb. 7, 2000 - Can the XFL make it?
Needless to say, the jury came back with a verdict on this one pretty quickly. But you have to hand it to the XFL for pushing the NFL into the 21st century with camerawork, right? And I still like my O.J. Simpson idea eight years later, as well as the Royal Rumble idea, the championship belt and the "combined weight" introduction. That league could have worked. You can't tell me differently.
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CAN THE XFL MAKE IT?
Why a wacky football league just might work.
When WWF promoter Vince McMahon introduced plans for his new football league (the XFL) at a press conference last week, he told reporters, "The NFL has gotten too conservative, too corporate. This will be an old-fashioned, smash-mouth league but with our cutting-edge marketing and production abilities."
In other words, get ready for lots of personality development, in-your-face action, scantily-clad ladies on the sidelines, taunting, rough play, loud music, corny nicknames and gimmicks, annoying announcers, and everything else that makes the WWF so much damned fun (with the possible exception of Vince's evil daughter, Stephanie, and her enormous, bulbous, swaying breasts). McMahon has proven he can capture that coveted 18-to-35 male TV demographic with "sports entertainment." Why couldn't he do the same thing with real sports? I certainly wouldn't bet against him. Remember, I just found out that pro wrestling was fixed three weeks ago.
With lower salaries and inferior talent, the XFL can only distinguish itself from the NFL with rule changes and various wrinkles. If McMahon incorporates the most fan-friendly aspects of the WWF into his league, he might have another winner on his hands. Vince is right: the NFL has gotten pretty damned stiff over the years. Load a new football league with enough violence and sex to satiate even the most testosterone-loaded single male fan, and hey... it just might work.
So here are my suggestions: a dozen ways that Vince could steal from the WWF for his new football league:
1. Cool team names
There's no reason why some of the football teams can't be tied into the WWF. This doesn't mean the XFL should go overboard with names like the Houston Hos and the Pittsburgh Puppies, but they could definitely have a WWF flavor: we could have the Boston Brood, Dallas Degeneration X, Pittsburgh Posse, even the Minnesota Mean Street Posse.
(Note: At the very least, the merchandising dollars would skyrocket, especially in cities with high gang populations. As for me, I would definitely buy a Boston Brood hat, especially if it had blood dripping from the "B.")
2. Make your cheerleaders as slutty as possible.
Take a cue here from WWF wrestler The Godfather; here's a guy who wrestled under about 15 different gimmicks in the '90s and never caught on with fans until he pretended he was a pimp and flanked himself with scantily-clad "hos." Now? The fans love him and shout out his catchphrases for him ("PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!"). And it's all because of the hos.
(If you didn't follow that last paragraph, lemme rephrase it for you: Fans love hos!)
The solution: McMahon needs to pull a Howard Stern and find as many top-notch porn stars and strippers as he can, load them on the sidelines and turn them into a 21st century version of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. The raunchier the better. Most guys will watch anything if there's enough T & A sprinkled in. Hell, why do you think "Baywatch" is still on after all these years?
3. Steroid use = legal and encouraged
It works in wrestling... why can't it work in the XFL? Besides, since the XFL will be using inferior players, they'll need all the help they can get. What's wrong with offensive linemen benching 700 pounds or wide receivers running 3.8's in the 40-yard dash? Come on, didn't you see "The Program"? That stuff can happen with the right team doctor!
They could even drug-test players before every game and then show their results during the games, along with their stats. For instance, after Joe Schmoe makes a tackle, the announcers could say, "There's Joe Schmoe... he's a '95 graduate of Kansas State ... 6-foot-3, 260 pounds ... he's gained 40 pounds over the past 3 weeks ... looks like he's playing this week under the influence of HGH, anabolic steroids, a few greenies, three jack-and-cokes and a fish paralyzer."
4. Give certain star players their own managers
Most athletes have terrible microphone skills as it is; why not hire 8-10 managers (ala Captain Lou Albano and Fredie Blassie in the mid-70's) to work with different star players to try to "get them over" (to use a wrestling term)? You could even give players built-in entourages/posses on the sidelines and encourage some roller derby-style mayhem every time an opponent goes out of bounds and gets tangled up with somebody's posse member.
I always thought this would work best in the NBA. For instance, after Ron Mercer complained about his contract offer and pushed for that trade to Denver, he ended up returning to Boston with the Nuggets last December. Wouldn't it have been entertaining if they interviewed Mercer and his agent (Tevester Scott) before the game and Mercer had three posse members rubbing his shoulders down while Scott screamed for revenge and insulted the Boston fans and players... then at the end of the interview, Mercer went nuts and ripped up his old Celtics #5 uniform into smithereens and threatened to kick Paul Pierce's "scrawny ass?" The crowd would have been riled up into a frenzy. Admit it.
Hey, if Vince can somehow tap into this emotion, more power to him. I think it could work. And no, I'm not kidding. You could even have one super-manager with guys on different teams... and the camera could show him on the sidelines running around trying to kiss everyone's rear end, ala NBA uber-agent David Falk.
(See where I'm going with this? There's no reason why the XFL couldn't satirize/parody modern sports, even as it's trying to establish itself as a professional league. And Vince LOVES to parody things.)
5. Acknowledge and embrace the gambling world
You have to do it. The best thing about Vince McMahon is that he doesn't give a crap -- he gives the fans what they want and he doesn't care about "role models" or "protecting America's youth." Vince believes that parents should be setting an example for their children, not Vince McMahon. If you think about it, it almost makes sense.
Anyway, the NFL -- in all its infuriating hypocrisy -- refuses to acknowledge gambling lines on its games, on the record, anyway. Off the record, it allows newspapers to publish point spreads and forces each team to release detailed injury reports, ostensibly so gamblers will have all the information they need about each team. Even the network announcers avoid the subject, with the exception of ABC's Al Michaels, who almost certainly has an enormous gambling problem and can't help himself.
Where does the ZFL fit in? I think they should refer to the gambling lines before, during and after games. Then you could have exchanges like this:
--Jim: And our final score, Dallas 30, Denver 24.
--Jerry: The Dropkicks may have lost the game, but they covered the spread AND the over/under with that last-second touchdown! UNBELIEVABLE!
Speaking of announcers...
6. Use WWF announcers Jim Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler as the "Madden and Summerall" for the XFL "Game of the Week"
If the XFL used Lawler and Ross, not only would they be more light-hearted and irreverant than your average football guys, but you might even hear exchanges like this:
--Jim: Now it's 3rd and 12 for the Brood .. the Mean Street Posse has been wreaking havoc defensively on Boston quarterback Craig Whelihan.
(Suddenly we hear a loud fireworks blast and the beginning of a rap song for a Cambridge clothing store company.)
--Jerry: Wait a second, what's that?
--Jim: Good God! That-that's Michael Bishop's music! Michael Bishop is at the Fleet Center! And he's coming in for this huge 3rd down play!
--Jerry: Look at the Mean Street Posse cheerleaders... they can't believe it! Hey, I think I just saw a nipple JR!
--Jim: Here's Bishop rolling out to his right... he's taking off down the sidelines! Oh my God! He could go! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! MICHAEL BISHOP! Touchdown, Brood!
--Jerry: Not only are they winning the game, they're covering again!
--Jim: And now he's celebrating in the end zone and doing his "Beat the Bishop" dance!
--Jerry: That dance scares me, JR. He looks like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and George Michael!
--Jim: But the cheerleaders love it! They're all naked again! GOOD GOD!
Admit it... you'd be watching.
7. Four words you never thought you'd hear again: "Pete Carroll, head coach."
The XFL wouldn't be as much fun without our beloved Coach Fredo, the perfect candidate to coach an expansion franchise. I'll let reader Michael Sebastino take it from here:
"After Fredo's announced as head coach, he comes storming out with his newly-shaved head, goatee, sunglasses, and he's wearing a muscle shirt and yelling that he's 'pumped,' 'jacked' and feeling 'dangerous!' Of course, he's talking extremely loud and fast, like all pro wrestlers do, and spit is flying from his mouth. During the Q&A session that follows, he bodyslams Ron Borges after Borges mentions how he ruined a 'Super Bowl caliber team' in just three short years. Now THAT would be high comedy!"
8. Every team gets a gimmick
Much like wrestling, it makes no sense for teams to be randomly put together, at least in the first season. So why not try to "mold" the teams so you could have "good guy" teams and "bad guy" teams? All the players with criminal records and drug convictions could play for the Dallas Degeneration X squad ("Good God! That-that's Lawrence Phillips' music!"). All the born-agains could play on the same team (the California Christians?) and babble on about Jesus more than Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce combined. You could even have a team called the "Rejects" made up of all the guys who failed in the NFL. Then see who the fans support and market them appropriately.
9. Make pre-game introductions seem like wrestling introductions
Imagine XFL "ring" announcer Howard Finkel coming out to midfield before the first title game and saying, "The following contest has been scheduled for 60 minutes, winner take all, for THE XFL WORLD TITLE!... on the sideline to my left, coming in at a combined weight of 10,839 pounds, the Pittsburgh Posse!"
(Note: I've always been a big fan of the "combined weight" stat. It's never used enough in sports, in my opinion.)
Speaking of belts, you could have the championship team's coach wearing a title belt during all regular season games. Once his team gets beaten, the vanquishing team gets the belt for the following week and it goes on and on throughout the playoffs. Whomever has the belt at the end of the regular season gets the first seed in the playoffs and homefield advantage, with the rest of the seeds go by regular season record.
(And if that's not enough of an argument for you, consider this one: Pete Carroll happily running off the field holding a championship belt in the air! Could you put a pricetag on a moment like that? I didn't think so.)
10. Fixed endings
McMahon would never do this. No way he cuts in on Al Davis's turf.
11. No set schedule
The WWF makes up its cards on the spot, so why couldn't the XFL do the same thing? For instance, let's say that the Pittsburgh Posse and the Minnesota Mean Street Posse play a particularly rough game in Week Seven with lots of bad blood spilling out after the game. Then the XFL could schedule a "return game" for the following week with no penalties!
Our buddy Birdman thinks they could incorporate some wrestling staples into the actual game rules during exhibition season, just to whet everyone's appetite for the regular season. For example...
* Instead of fixed endings, maybe games that don't have endings! How about a football game that ends in a bench-clearing brawl and then just fades to black, the way "Monday Night Raw" ends every week?
* Lumberjack football: If someone goes out of bounds, the guys on the sidelines can throw them back in.
* A steel cage game: First team to score AND have the ballcarrier climb out of the cage wins the game.
* A "hardcore" game: Players get to bring tables, metal chairs, garbage can lids and barbed wore onto the field.
* A Royal Rumble game: each team starts out with four players, then every minute, a new player runs until the end of the quarter. When the new quarter starts, it's back to four players per side again.
Hey, at least you'd be watching in the exhibition season.
Even if the XFL doesn't incorporate wrestling gimmicks, at least they should relax some of its rules during play. Taunting should be allowed. So should tripping, clotheslining and bodyslamming. Roughing the kicker would be legal and encouraged. No fair catches. Lots of late hits. No running out of bounds (ala the Arena Football League).
12. Bring back the Juice!
You want publicity? You want to make an immediate impact in the sports world? Then Vince should hire OJ Simpson as his "third man in the announcing booth" with Lawler and Ross. Imagine the headlines! Imagine the awkwardness and the comedy! How can Vince McMahon NOT see all the benefits here? In fact, I'm not predicting this happens, I'm guaranteeing it.
Etch it in stone. OJ will be involved in the XFL.
And if you don't think Vince McMahon would ever hire OJ... well, you're sadly mistaken. This is a man who once transformed Sergeant Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer during the height of the Cold War. This is a man who "married" off his daughter Stephanie to the villainous Triple H and made her stop wearing a bra. This is a man who kept a pay-per-view going for two more hours after one of his wrestlers fell 90 feet to his death during a botched stunt. You think Vince cares about offending the American public? Puh-leeeze.
He's all about ratings and dollar signs, which is the best AND the worst thing about him. He gives the people what they want. Period. And if you watch the wildly-popular WWF these days, you're never sure if it's a sadder statement about Vince or the general public.
One thing is for sure: I wouldn't bet against him.
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Copyright by Bill Simmons, 2000
