August 30, 1999 - Roto Football Draft Diary

Here's one more old-school fantasy football column that's extremely dated but in a good way, as you'll see when you get to the Marshall Faulk/Trent Green and Vinny/Manning sections. Remember the days when you started everyone on your roster? Remember when we called it "Rotisserie" instead of "Fantasy?" I also found it funny that, in 1999, I felt obligated to explain the basic rules of fantasy football. That was only nine years ago. You'll also notice that I self-plagiarized a couple of the jokes in here in future columns on ESPN. And you'll notice that our revolutionary playoff system was already in place.

Important note: This column is wayyyyyyy too long. I hadn't gotten the hang of cutting down running diaries yet.

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ROTO FOOTBALL DRAFT DIARY
A running account of being holed up in the war room on draft day

by Bill Simmons

My fantasy football draft took place yesterday in Hartford, Connecticut, the future home of the New England Patr- whoops! I mean, the future home of the WNBA franchise, the Hartford Hookers. Anyway, our league has ten franchises and we each pick a team of 14 NFL players (all of whom count in the weekly stats), including two QB's, 4 RB's, 4 WR's, two defenses, 1 TE and 1 kicker. There is no prize money... as far as YOU know...

(Hello IRS! Good to see you!)

If you know how these things work, feel free to skip this part and scroll down to the diary. If you're interested in the nuts-and-bolts of how a fantasy draft works, keep reading:

* Points are determined by each player's statistics for a given week through a convoluted stat system. You get points (and negative points) for yardage, TD's, length of TD's, shutouts, turnovers, arrests, domestic violence incidents, and so on.

* Each week you face off against another team: Whoever wins in the head-to-head matchup gets the "W" for that week, just like the NFL. The top four teams at the end of the season (17 weeks) make the playoffs ... at that point, each remaining team gets to keep its best six players for the real playoffs, then we have another draft to fill out everyone's roster (the top team gets the #1 pick, and you can take players off any of the non-playoff rosters).

* In the playoffs, the stats are cumulative: The team with the most points through the 4 playoff rounds wins the title. So somebody like Terrell Davis or Fred Taylor is especially important in our draft because you're not just getting him for the regular season, but all of his playoff games as well.

* You can make moves after every week (cut guys, pick up guys, place guys on injured reserve, etc) ... if two teams try to claim an undrafted player, the team with the lower record gets him.

Sound confusing? It's really not that hard. We draft in snake-fashion - first guy picks first, second guy picks second... onto the tenth guy, who picks last in the 1st round and first (11th overall) in the 2nd round. And so on. Our draft order was determined by picking cards before the draft. Here was the order (you don't know any of these people so it doesn't matter): 1) Camp; 2) Jim; 3) Stoner; 4) Wyman; 5) Steve; 6) Russ; 7) Wiker; 8) Joe; 9) Me; 10) Dish.

Last note: Everyone has a team nickname... my nickname has always been the "Banana Hammocks" since I used to wear Jockey underwear and our commissioner (Camp) never let me forget it. Wiker (a rookie franchise) wanted to be called the Cleveland Steamers until Camp decided he should be the "Uncle Booties," after a serial prison rapist named Uncle Booty who was featured in a Salon.com article about prison rape. That's the kind of league you're dealing with here.

Anyway, I kept a running diary of the ensuing draft... here's what happened:

1:00 -- We're coming to you live from Hartford, fresh off a golf outing/bachelor party that lasted until 4:00AM the previous night! Stamina is definitely a factor here: the bachelor of honor (Stoner) endured roughly a dozen lap dances at the aptly-named Gold Club on Saturday night and may have pulled a groin muscle. He looks especially worse for wear. Jim looks in the best shape of anyone since he blew off Saturday's festivities, raising the ire of pretty much everyone in the room. We also have one person calling in by phone -- Camp's brother, Joe -- because it's a long-standing rule that you can't have a roto draft unless at least one person fails to show up and calls in by phone, ruining the draft for the commissioner (who has to spend the whole time recapping every pick on the phone, while also writing down every pick).

1:05 -- Just drew the ninth pick in the draft. DAMMIT! I wanted to be in the Top Four because there are only four "gamebreakers" in the draft: 1) Terrell Davis; 2) Randy Moss; 3) Brett Favre; and 4) Fred Taylor, the four guys whom you KNOW will get you big points week after week. At #9, I'm looking at guys like Curtis Martin and Eddie George. I'm just not happy right now. I also smell like Mickey Rourke during the last hour of "Barfly" and I'm broke, but that's another story.

1:07 -- Jim wants to trade down; he's dangling the #2 pick. Hmmmm. I really want Fred Taylor. I mean, I REALLY want Fred Taylor. If I drew the #1 pick, I probably would have taken him over Davis, just because teams are going to stack the lines against Denver all year (Bubby Brister???). Taylor has young legs, he was incredibly consistent last year, he breaks off long TD runs, he catches passes out of the backfield, and he's on a Super Bowl contender. I haven't lusted for someone like this since Miss Arizona came out in the swimsuit contest during last week's "Miss Teen USA Pageant."

1:10 -- Jim wants a 1st-rounder and a 3rd-rounder for the #2 pick. That means I'd be giving up the #9 and the #29 pick overall for my man Freddie T ... plus, I'd be trading with the guy who blew off Stoner's bachelor party. Those are high stakes. On the other hand, if I stayed put at #9, I'd be spending the next four months watching Curtis Martin carry the ball 26 times for 82 yards every week.

1:11 -- Screw it. I'm making the deal. As the Patriots proved during the '98 Draft, you should always trade up for the "sure thing" guy, no "ifs" "ands" or "buts." The Pats should have packaged picks that year to get Taylor and they didn't do it. Jacksonville did. Now the '99 Jags are headed for the Super Bowl and the '99 Pats are headed to a fiery hell. There's a lesson there somewhere.

1:15 -- Commissioner Camp approves the deal, which sends everyone reeling. Stoner looks especially bummed out at #3; he's wearing an "I hope you're trading up to get Randy Moss and not Fred Taylor" look. On the other hand, that might be a "how many dances do I get for $30 bucks?" look. I'm not sure.

1:20 -- Camper takes Davis at #1... I immediately follow with Taylor at #2. Stoner screams out in dismay. He's stuck with Randy Moss at #3 and vows, "Screw it, I'm taking all criminals this year."

1:25 -- Jamal Anderson, Brett Favre, Randall Cunningham, Mark Brunell and Steve Young go in the #4 to #8 slots. Jim takes Martin with my #9 pick. I'm feeling relatively giddy. Now I'm hoping Antonio Freeman will be there with my #12 pick (the 2nd pick of the second round). Freeman was the top WR in the league for the past two years; now he has a sober Brett Favre throwing to him. He might catch 270 passes this year.

1:27 -- Holding my breath as the 10th team -- Dish, another rookie owner (team name: Petrie Dishes) -- decides what he's doing with his two picks (last pick in the 1st round, first pick of the 2nd round). If he takes Freeman, I'm going with Eddie George. Just to throw him off track, I ask the room, "Jake Plummer hasn't been taken yet, right?" Dish looks confused. That's veteran roto savvy right there on my part.

1:28 -- Dish takes Plummer and Marshall Faulk, who will be gang-tackled at least 300 times this year behind the line of scrimmage now that Trent Green is gone for the season. Woo-hoo! That was beautiful! I love new fish owners in roto drafts. They always come through

1:29 -- Antonio Freeman, welcome aboard to the Banana Hammocks Express! Mmmmm... Fred Taylor AND Antonio Freeman! I love my team! Time to start heckling the room and playing some mind games. Everyone will hate me by the fourth round.

1:35 -- Robert Smith, George, Eric Moulds and Jimmy Smith all just went... now Wyman takes Dorsey Levens, prompting me to say, "Hey, the first guy with a limp is gone!" Wyman looks bummed out, especially with Camp yelling, "Bring out the Gimp!"

1:36 -- Stoner takes Ricky Watters and says simply, "I hate my team." There's nothing worse than being resigned to the fact that you just took Ricky Watters. We've all been there. He's the only guy who can actually be a locker room cancer on a rotisserie team.

1:37 -- After Cris Carter, Keyshawn Johnson and Chris Chandler all go, the talent level drops off. Everyone in my Top 20 was taken in the first 21 picks, along with Levens, who will haunt Wyman all season in a "Kimberly from Melrose Place" kinda way.

1:39 -- Jim rolls the dice with Dan Marino at #22. I actually liked Marino this year -- he finally has a #1 WR with Tony Martin (as well as a great person to launder money with). But I can't let Jim know that. So I made a bunch of "Is this 1985 or 1999?"-type jokes.

Unfortunately, Stoner just took Drew Bledsoe with the next pick, meaning the run on QB's has begun ... and because of my Taylor trade, I have to wait eight more picks before I can grab somebody. Peyton Manning and Vinny Testaverde are the only two "high-rated" guys left on my list -- after that, you're rolling the dice with Steve McNair (good potential, but Tennessee doesn't throw the ball enough), Brad Johnson (only played one healthy season in the NFL) and Doug Flutie (supposedly being pushed by Rob Johnson in Buffalo). All three of those guys make me nervous.

1:41 -- Stoner just incorporated the running joke of the weekend into his last pick!

(Allow me to go off on a tangent here...)

Last week, Stoner bought the WWF music soundtrack and has been playing it nonstop in his car ever since. He tortured us all weekend by repeatedly playing the beginning of the Undertaker's entrance song and screaming "My God! That-that's the Undertaker's music!" (an impersonation of WWF announcer Jim Ross, who always seems amazed any time music comes out of nowhere and a wrestler suddenly emerges from backstage, as if he didn't know it was in the script). So all week long we were yelling that phrase. I'd come out of the bathroom and Stoner would scream, "My God! That-that's Bill Simmons' music!" Asia the Stripper would come out for her dance at the Gold Club in Hartford as Rage in the Machine played in the background and we'd scream out, "My God, that's Asia's music!" And so on. We beat that joke into the ground and THROUGH the ground.

Anyway, as we waited for Stoner to make his pick, he suddenly screamed out, "My God! That-that's Drew Bledsoe's music!" And we knew he was taking Bledsoe.

(That's the kind of stuff that happens when guys spend too much time together over the course of one weekend. And yet I digress...).

1:42 -- Starting to get bored... I've been heckling every pick. While Wyman was on the clock, I kept saying stuff like, "Wyman, Jerome Bettis is on the phone, he really wants to be on your team" and "Wyman, will you accept a collect call from Jerry Rice?" Wyman finally takes Terrell Owens. Dammit. I'm off my game.

1:43 -- The first "Whoa!!!!!!" pick of the day: Steve takes Edgerrin James with the 25th pick overall. I loved Edge and had him rated as my 8th RB overall, but #25 in the whole draft?

1:44 -- Just made a bunch of "Wow, I had to go to the second page of my running back list to cross James off"-type of jokes. That was fun.

1:50 -- Now I feel REALLY good about my Taylor trade. Using my 3rd round pick, Jim took Ricky Williams, who's battling ankle problems on a lousy team with a lousy QB. So if you're scoring at home, I ostensibly traded Martin and Williams for Taylor and a 14th round pick. I'd do that one every day of the week, and not just because it allowed me to sneak the word "ostensibly" into this column. You can't win without gamebreakers, especially gamebreakers that might be playing in the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Bob Kraft doesn't know this.

(One more thing: At this point, I'm hoping Joey Galloway can fall to my spot in the 5th round because of his contract holdout. If I grab him that low and he comes back, it will make up for the 3rd-rounder I gave away. Cross your fingers.)

1:54 -- Dish takes two receivers (Harrison and McCaffrey) with his sandwich picks. That means I actually get the choice between Vinny and Manning! Hmmmm. Manning has better stats, but Vinny might make the Super Bowl. Plus, he has the best wideouts in the game and might get more long TD's than anyone other than Cunningham. On the flip side, he's Vinny Freaking Testaverde, one of the all-time "roll the dice" guys in the history of roto sports. In '96 and '98, he was an All-Pro; in '97, he was Alpo. Do I really want to tie my fortunes to Vincenzo?

1:55 -- Dammit. I hate this pick. Everyone's gonna laugh, just because that's the knee-jerk reaction whenever somebody says the words "Vinny Testaverde" at a roto draft. In fact, there are two things you can do at a roto football draft that will make everyone laugh: 1) Say the sentence "I'll take Vinny Testaverde," or 2) Fart.

(NOTE: If you ever say "I'll take Vinny Testaverde" while farting, you might cause full-scale pandemonium.)

1:56 -- The room's getting restless as I look up Vinny's stats: 3255 yards and 29 TDs in only 13 games last year. Plus, he's got Keyshawn, Chrebet, and the always underrated Dedric Ward going deep for him. Plus, he'll be in the playoffs, whereas Peyton Manning won't be in the playoffs.

1:57 -- Dammit.

1:58 -- I try to soften the fact that I'm taking Vinny by screaming out, "Good God! That-that's Vinny Testaverde's music!!!"

1:58 -- Waiting for laughter to subside.

1:59 -- Still waiting.

2:00 -- I wish I was dead.

2:05 -- Wiker's first three picks were: Brunell, George and Mathis and Brister. Not bad for a rookie. Unfortunately, he's shuffling though about eight magazines trying to come up with a fourth pick; you just get the sense something awful might happen here.

2:07 -- Woo-hoo! Wiker just took the heat off me by taking Bubby Brister with the 4th pick of the 4th round! Bubby Brister?!?!?! That almost caused a riot in the room. Wiker has that "Pete Carroll after the Tampa Bay game" look on his face right now. He's done for the draft. Nobody can recover from Bubby Brister in the 4th round. That's like having your team bus get into an accident.

(I keep waiting for Wiker to say, "We had a great week of practice... I'm just disappointed right now... we've got to go back to the tapes and see what went wrong with that last pick... we need to get back on track...")

2:12 -- Stoner and Jim just took Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice back to back. Everyone's giggly and relieved. Those are the types of guys you just hope somebody else takes, just so you don't have to do it yourself. Nothing's scarier than old football players in a roto draft.

2:15 -- As we head into the fifth round, the run on defenses has begun! Jacksonville, Tampa and Minnesota are all gone. Stoner capped off his Tampa pick by disappearing for a second and re-emerging with his "Mike Alstott #40" jersey on while screaming "The Stoner takes the Mighty Bucs! Ahoy! Ahoy!" That was fun.

(Of course, it wasn't as much fun on Saturday night in Hartford while we were in a sports bar watching highlights from the Bucs-Pats game: "Here's Bledsoe getting sacked... here's Alstott scoring his 3rd TD to make it 28-7... here's a kickoff return TD... here's Pete Carroll looking for sharp objects on the sidelines" -- while Stoner screamed "Ahoy! Ahoy!" in the background and did little jigs.)

2:19: The wheels have come off for Wiker, who followed up Brister by taking Adrian Murrell in the fifth round. That prompted this exchange:

--BILL: Does Arizona even have a full offensive line this year? Is that guy who got his arm cut off coming back?
--RUSS: I think he's still their starting left tackle.
--CAMP: Hey, that other arm is still strong.
--BILL: Wiker, do you think Adrian Murrell will have a big year behind the first ever nine-armed offensive line?
--WIKER: Ummm... hey, are we gonna order pizza or anything, guys?

2:22 -- I have two of the next four picks; my little gamble paid off because Galloway is still available. This happens every year in roto drafts: someone drops three rounds lower than they should because of an injury or a contract holdout, but they always end up playing and playing well. Basically, if I take Galloway here and he comes back to the Seahawks (from his contract holdout), it would be like getting a 2nd round pick in the 5th.

Here's where some strategy comes in: Dish has the next two picks after me and he already has two receivers -- no way he'll take Galloway. So I'll take Gary Brown (the Giants RB whom I like) because I can get Galloway coming back.

2:25 -- Not only does Dish pass on Galloway, but he takes the Atlanta defense and Charlie Batch with his two picks. Good God, that-that's Charlie Batch's music!!! I love rookie roto owners.

2:26 -- I'm about to take Galloway, but not before asking the question, "Charlie Batch just got taken? Are we in the 13th round? Did I pass out or something?" Man, roto drafts are fun.

2:28 -- Now I can pretty much relax. The core of my team is set: Taylor, Freeman, Vinny, Brown and Galloway. I'm not taking a kicker until the last round (is there really a difference between Jason Elam and Al Del Greco?); I'm waiting until late to take my tight end (I love Pete Mitchell on the Giants); and I'm waiting until the mid-to-late rounds to get my defenses (I should be able to get two from Seattle, Miami and Oakland). That means I can take the best available guys for the next four rounds, while concentrating my energies on insulting everyone else.

2:29 -- It's amazing how exciting a roto draft can be when you're waiting to see if your master plan will actually unfold according to plan.

2:30 -- I really need a life.

2:33 -- Russ takes Lawrence Phillips, prompting a barrage of giggles. This draft could have lasted 30 rounds and I wouldn't have taken Lawrence Phillips. My buddy Bish lives in San Fran and tells me Charlie Garner will be the starting RB by Week One. Hopefully, nobody else knows that in this room.

2:38 -- Dammit! Jim takes Terry Glenn with the second-to-last pick in the 6th round. I was secretly hoping he'd be there for me in the 7th... with TG, at least you know you'll get seven or eight great games out of him before he goes on injured reserve with a pulled hamstring or ovarian cysts.

Now Jim's glancing at me to gage my reaction... I give him the old, "You'll get two weeks out of him before he gets hurt."

(I'm in All-Pro form right now.)

2:44 -- Apparently we bought Stoner one too many shots tonight... he just took Terry Allen in the 7th round. I'm starting to think I can get Tony Martin (ready for a monster season in Miami, and you heard it here first).

2:49 -- I'm up in the 7th. My choices are 1) Tony Martin; 2) Warrick Dunn; 3) Skip Hicks; 4) Brad Johnson; 5) The Completely-Insane Curtis Enis. I like Martin the most, but I can get him in the 8th round. And I can probably wait on Johnson. So I need a RB. Hmmmm. Dunn, Hicks or Enis?

2:50 -- Looking up their stats...

2:51 -- I had Dunn last season and he was the master of the "12 carries for 70 yards and no TD's" game. He drove me crazy. (Remember, Mike Alstott gets all the TD's for Tampa.) I like The Completely-Insane Curtis Enis' potential, but he's on a lousy team and, well, he's completely insane. I'm trying to avoid crazy guys this year. As for Hicks, he finished strong last year and he's playing for an underrated team (the Skins) that will score a ton of points this team. One drawback -- he might get edged out by Stephen Davis for the starting job. Hmmm...

2:51 -- Just took Hicks. That's the first pick I don't feel good about.

2:51 -- Steve says, "He might not even start for them, you know." Yeah. I know.

2:52 -- I'm on suicide watch right now. I should have taken Enis. So what if he's completely insane?

3:00 -- As insult to injury, Jim takes Enis seven picks later. I have a little Enis Envy right now. Time to start lashing out at people to make myself feel better.

3:03 -- Camp just took Michael Irvin and Morten Anderson with his sandwich picks... I followed that up with, "In other words, 'Pass.'" That felt good.

3:05 -- Stoner takes Ben Coates. No surprise there. Those two have gotten together more times over the years than Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith.

3:10 -- Wiker makes another rookie mistake, taking the ageless Leroy Hoard for the Uncle Booties. All of us smile knowingly. We've all had Leroy Hoard on our team at some point in our lives. He's like the high school slut who everyone on the football team has slept with... then a new transfer comes in senior year and meets her and starts dating her, and everyone else on the team gets a big kick out of it. We've ALL been with Leroy.

3:15 -- People are reaching like Freddie Krueger right now. I mean, Kevin Faulk and Fred Lane just got taken! On the bright side, I was able to end up with the Seattle defense AND Brad Johnson. The Seahawks are loaded with interception/sack guys, Galloway always scores for their special teams and they're playing a cream puff schedule this season. (Detroit, Chicago, Cincy, Pittsburgh, San Diego twice, Oakland twice, and KC twice.) And I love Johnson. When he's healthy, the guy produces -- people forget this because Randall Cunningham pushed him out in Minnesota. Plus, he's playing for a good offensive team with a lot of weapons. So I'm happy.

3:20 -- Kordell Stewart just got snapped up by Joe, prompting a barrage of unprintable jokes from the peanut gallery. Last year, Kordell went 3rd in the whole draft. This year, he went 93rd. Enough said.

3:23 -- Russ grabs Muhsin Muhammad, the second Muslim taken today. It's fun to take Muslims, isn't it? By the way, we have three pizzas arriving momentarily, which should wreak complete havoc on this draft. People are so hungry that we're all getting that glazed look like the guys from the rugby team in "Alive."

3:26 -- Stoner took Bam Morris, explaining simply, "He fits in with the rest of my team. Now Ricky Watters and Randy Moss have someone else to hang out with."

3:29 -- Good God! That-that's Pizza Hut's music!!!

3:31 -- The pressures of being Commish have apparently gotten to Camp, who just took Chris Warren with the last pick of the 10th round while inhaling a slice of peppeoni pizza. Somebody just asked Camp if he was using a "Roto Preview" magazine from 1992.

3:35 -- I need a good sleeper receiver for my #4 WR slot. The candidates?

1. Michael Westbrook -- Always tantalizing, always disappointing.
2. JJ Stokes -- Supposedly having a monster preseason, but he's still behind Rice and Owens.
3. Darnay Scott -- The #1 guy in Cincy with Carl Pickens apparently missing or dead.
4. Torry Holt -- Rams rookie who will definitely be their #1 wideout when Isaac Bruce gets hurt. Unfortunately, Trent Green just tore knee ligaments last night and Haywood Jablome has just been named the new starter.
5. David Boston -- Arizona rookie... might get buried behind Sanders and Moore.
6. Tony Simmons -- My illegitimate brother.

Hmmm... for some reason, I like Scott. Can't explain it.

3:40 -- Wiker takes Scott. That solves that problem. Even though I know I should grab Westbrook, I jump on the Oakland defense instead. Not exactly a make-or-break pick, but it's better than ending up with, well... say... the Patriots defense, for example.

3:43 -- Westbrook or Simmons? If I take Tony, that will be putting way too much pressure on him -- he's on my favorite team, I own his jersey, he's my favorite Patriot, and he's my illegitimate brother. If I take Westbrook, I'm hedging my bets. Plus, Westbrook could have a monster year.

(We say that every year... but no, really, THIS is his year!)

3:44 -- I take Westbrook. Know what that means? Every time you see James Brown breaking into a Fox game with a "Let's go to Washington, where Brad Johnson goes deep down the sideline and finds Michael Westbrook!" highlight... well, I'll be doing backflips and cartwheels in the Sports Guy Mansion.

3:46 -- Joe makes the first "completely stumping the room" pick by taking some guy named Amos Zerouae, a 3rd-round pick who might get a chance to play in Pittsburgh if Jerome Bettis gets hit by a car between now and December.

3:47 -- Camp: "Zer-oh-way? How do you spell that? Huh?"

3:48 -- A Cleveland native, Wiker took Terry Kirby in the 12th. At this point, we aren't even making fun of Wiker's picks anymore. Everything he says gets greeted by stony, embarrassed silence.

3:51 -- The talent pool hasn't just dwindled, it's vanished. Martin Grammatica and Steve Christie just went back to back.

3:56 -- Charlie Garner and Pete Mitchell, welcome aboard! You know it's late in the draft when I'm excited about Charlie Garner and Pete Mitchell. On the bright side, I get to make "Top Gun" jokes about Mitchell all season on our league website. That's right, Iceman! I'm dangerous!

4:02 -- For his final pick, Stoner just screamed out: "My God! Th-that's Trent Dilfer's music!" Nobody in roto history has ever been more excited to take Trent Dilfer.

4:10 -- I finish up the draft with a compensatory pick (because I made a two-for-one trade earlier) taking that Vander-jatt guy from the Colts as my kicker. In fact, I think That Vander-jatt Guy is his full name.

4:20 -- We all spent the last ten minutes argue over who had the best team. We all agreed on one thing... it wasn't the Uncle Booties.

Here's how my team shaped up: Testaverde and Johnson; Taylor, Brown, Hicks and Garner; Freeman, Galloway, Martin, Westbrook and Mitchell; Seattle/Oakland defenses; and That Vander-jatt Guy. Not bad.

Here's how Steve's team looks (I think he's the favorite): Favre and Kitna; James, A. Smith, Kaufman and Jabbar; J. Smith, Hilliard, Mayes, Crowell and Green; Jaguars/Redskins defenses; Grammatica. Pretty good.

Here's Jim's team: Marino and Gannon; Martin, Williams, Enis and Alstott; C. Carter, Rice, Glenn, Dawkins and Gonzalez; Vikings/Niners defenses; Del Greco. Again, pretty good.

Of course, much can happen between now and December, which is precisely what makes roto drafts so much fun. My team will go down the tubes if Galloway doesn't come back or Vinny has one of his weird relapses into CrapVille. I also need Brad Johnson and Gary Brown to stay healthy. And I need my Giants and Redskins guys to come through like I think they will... with the exception of Skip Hicks, who I've already given up on with the season still two weeks away.

So what did we learn? Let's recap...

--1. Always trade up for gamebreakers. This year, Davis, Taylor, Moss and Favre are THE gamebreakers. Everyone else has a question mark.

--2. If you fart while picking Vinny Testaverde during a roto draft, you might cause a full-scale riot.

--3. Fred Taylor. F-R-E-D T-A-Y-L-O-R.

--4. Always gamble on contract holdouts.

--5. Heads up for guys on the Giants and Redskins this year, as well as the Seahawks defense.

--6. (Bubby Brister X roto draft X 4th round) = Laughs.

--7. Don't take Skip Hicks. I jinxed him for the season by taking him too early. He might as well just take out a scalpel and jam it into his left knee.

--8. When you're in a roto draft, insult everyone else as much as possible. It never hurts and it can only help.

--9. Don't pick guys you like, pick guys that will help you win. If I can pass up my brother Tony for Michael Westbrook, that should tell you something. It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

--10. If you're in a prison and your new cellmate says, "Hi, I'm Uncle Booty," just start throwing punches.

--11. Finally, when you're watching football this fall and James Brown cuts in to show you a Johnson-to-Westbrook TD bomb, I hope you think of one thing:

MY GOD! TH-THAT'S THE SPORTS GUY'S MUSIC!!!!

**END**

Copyright by Bill Simmons, 1999